Disabled and scared

[vixsyn]

I found out I was pregnant on Saturday, so it's been a week now. I've been having life-pausing periods since I was eleven - my entire month is mapped by my period, giving me maybe ten days of "normalcy" in a month, then mood swings, night sweats, nightmares, tantrums and nagging pain from ovulation to gut wrenching (quite literally, I suppose) pain during my period. My doctor has discussed premenstrual dysphoric disorder with me but I was already taking antidepressants and no alternative was suggested.

So that's the first thing - I take venlafaxine, I was on a 300mg dose but was getting migraines so am now down to 225. My mood has been erratic though I'm not the mess I was a couple of years ago when my mood swings were violent and led to things like crockery and pan throwing. It does scare me that my mental health is still not "good," my own mother (who I do have a good relationship with now) had mood swings and a horrific temper when I was growing up, and our house didn't tend to go more than a day without screaming matches, projectiles and the odd punch to the face - to me, not from me, I couldn't hit my mother.

Aside from that I have arthritis and fibromyalgia. I am confined to a wheelchair for most of my getting around and rely on my partner to get me out of the house as I can't go anywhere by myself; I can't drive and my local public transport doesn't easily accommodate my chair and my goldie (dog), plus a long time being largely housebound compounded with my existing wobbly brain makes me very anxious talking to strangers.

When I found out I was pregnant my first response was complete shock as my extremely heavy menstrual bleeding and frankly patchy sex life had led me to believe pregnancy just wasn't going to happen - we'd tried in the past but stopped abruptly when my partner had a breakdown and spent a period in a mental health unit.

For pain I am also taking up to 30mg of morphine daily, paracetemol for breakthrough pain, and using steriod cream for patches of psoriasis. My partner takes care of me but is also disabled by his anxiety, a long history of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and stress risks a relapse of psychosis.

I don't think this paints us as ideal candidates as parents anyway, but the hugely offputting aspect for me is the increased risk of passing any of this on to my child. I know two parents with mental health issues already causes a massive increase in their chances of being ill themselves, and my mother and two of my sisters have arthritis/fibro as well. Caring for a sick child isn't an issue for me but it feels like if I went through with the pregnancy I'd be intentionally causing suffering. They'd have disabled parents, potentially a lifetime of pain and depression, and of course I'd have to consider the impact the medications I take would have on the foetus, or on me if I stopped taking them.

In spite of all this, and of being certain I would terminate, somehow in the last week I've also developed some sort of desire to go through with it and just try my hardest. But it's not like we have a lot of money, though any money I do have I am already starting to theoretically budget for education to work out if I could afford to avoid state school (not because I hate state school, but because of class sizes and bullying etc). And on top of that, for some reason I feel selfish even thinking about having a baby when so many people already do, the country is overpopulated, the NHS is in a bad state and so on. I know this is probably a non issue for most people but I can't stop it playing on my mind. This isn't a good time for the poor or the disabled and in many ways I feel I'd be cruel bringing a child into these circumstances, especially a child who might have problems. I may be whipping myself into some sort of frenzy...

Is is the "hormone fairy" making me want to keep it? I was so sure I wanted to terminate, but I have to wait two weeks just for the first appointment, then two more weeks for the termination to be finalised... I don't know what to do and I'm so scared.

[Krissy7530]

So sorry you are in this situation. I'm in no place to give advice. I do agree with you that one view of your situation is very bleak. I can tell you that hormones made making a decision very difficult for me, but I can't say what the solution to that (overrun hormones) is. Based on everything you've said, I can see how difficult it must be with so many variables. I think in our hearts we always know what the right decision is. Making that decision isn't ever easy (whichever way you choose). From my experience I can only say just take it a day at a time, stay focused on the now, and I truly believe after what I've been through that making the decision sooner rather than later is so very important. Good luck in whatever you choose.