can't forgive myself

[mowayjose]

I had an abortion a few months ago. I can't forgive myself now and although I get on with life day-by-day, I often feel totally incapacitated by sorrow and regret. I know why I did it. I felt terrified of the effect of a third child on my family, at my age (over 40) including the risks of something going wrong, I knew my DH very much didn't want another one, and I was terrified about the impact on my career. It was also a total shock when I found I was pregnant and I felt terribly sick, to the extent that I could hardly think straight.

But on the other hand, we could have done it and I had always been desperate for a third child. So ... I did it because ultimately I was a coward. I guess. I feel like a selfish murderer and spend a lot of time wondering who he or she would have been.

I talk to my DH but I don't think he understands. I feel angry at him because although he said he would support me in whatever decision I made, he ultimately made it my choice. Which is right, but on the other hand he never actively encouraged me to keep it although he saw how devastated I was. He now asks why I blame him, and I don't, but on the other hand I wonder why I should have to entirely blame myself (although I do).

I feel disgusted by myself essentially although at the same time I would never judge anyone else for making the same decision. I wonder too whether I should try for another child now or if that would be utterly crazy. In fact, I go back and forth on this to the extent I can hardly think about anything else. I just don't know what to do. Has anyone been here?

[Stroopwaffel]

Hi op. I'm so sorry you're in this position.

My experience is different to yours in that I had a termination as a late teen - heavily pressured to do so by my father - there was never any question that I might want to do anything else.

Anyway, I was convinced that in order to heal I needed to have a baby... And 8 years later I did, and all I can say is that it did not take away the pain of the termination. The baby I had was not 'that' baby.
So I understand your desire for another baby, it's well recognised among post termination women and counsellors call it the 'atonement baby' but ultimately I don't think it helps as you are still grieving the specific loss of that pregnancy,

The only thing which has helped me is counselling - some face to face but I also bought a book to work through myself which I find easier in some ways than crying in front of a counsellor for an hour..!

It's so hard -your dh just can't understand the depth of the feeling you have related to the termination. I think it's quite abstract for men really, and in their mind the status quo is returned to the situation as it was before the unplanned pg occurred.. When for us it is like the realisation only sinks in after the fact.

[myermay1]

Oh my goodness this post has freaked me out as I literally could've of written it myself 😔 I went through this 11 month ago now and everything you have written I can relate too. If you want you can pm me to talk. Horrible to feel this way, I empathise and truly know
What you are going through

[Writerwannabe83]

I'm sorry you feel this way. I had a termination 16 years ago and I still haven't really forgiven myself for it

[Mummymorrisen]

Your words ring so true to me as well. I fell pregnant when my second child was 5 months and although married I very much did everything for the children and home by myself. At this point I simply didn't feel I could have a third child so soon without support. Both my mum and partner very much made me feel I had to have a termination, and although I went through with it I always felt I had no other option if I was to do the best for my children.
This decision has consumed me for such a long time, the 7/8 months that followed are pretty much a void in my life, I was so unhappy and so angry towards my mum and husband. I've had 2 children since and feel so lucky, but that baby will still always be so important to me.
However ice just discovered I'm pregnant again, really can't believe it. We've been careful but it's happened. I don't know what to do, I have 4 children and feel I want to enjoy them growing now. They are7,5,3 and 1. Do I continue and have another, which may well put s strain on our family or do I go through the same experience and risk returning to an awful state of depression and anger.i know my family will be so cross with me as well.

[SheldonsSpotOnTheCouch]

Mummymorrisen You're a grown woman. Your family ought to support you, not be cross with you. And you didn't get pregnant on your own, did you? Try not to worry about what other people think. Perhaps don't tell your mum? Or at least not until you've worked out your own feelings about it.

Take care and don't be too hard on yourself.