RSVP-ing to a wedding not long after due date...

[LittleMissSnowShine]

I'm due in and around 28th August (I have PCOS and god knows they have changed my due date often enough for me to feel a bit skeptical!!) and I have been invited to two weddings on 18th September.

Both brides are very good friends of mine, but one wedding in particular is off the cards for me because it's out in the country, long drive away, winding roads etc and it's an all day kind of thing, from 1pm on. The other wedding is much closer, only about half an hour's drive, and it doesn't start until 4pm.

Potentially I will have a 3 week old baby by then, though, and, tbh, I don't know what the protocol is really. Some people have been telling me to just go to the wedding and bring the baby but I know I would never be able to relax the whole afternoon/evening. My mum has offered to take him/her for a few hours and I know the baby would be perfectly safe and well looked after but what about feeding? I'm hoping to breastfeed (tho I'll have to see how it works out first) but don't 3 week old babies need fed every 3 hours or so??

Anyway, feel like I really need to RSVP in next couple of weeks just to let her know whether we'll be there or not, even provisionally, but thought I'd get some advice here first. Madness to consider going or madness to feel anchored to being in the house 24/7 when baby will already be maybe 3 weeks old....

[Bicnod]

I was anchored to the house for a lot longer than that with DS, but I know some people who were out and about in no time so it really does depend. Not very helpful I know.

Can you do a very provisional yes, possibly with baby and possibly without depending on how you're doing?

[bigstripeytiger]

I went to a wedding with a 3 week old baby, the people getting married were very close friends. It was a pretty relaxed wedding, and also my second child. I dont think I could have managed it with my first (for many reasons, including that it took me a lot longer than that to get breastfeeding sorted).

Also, if you have a 28 Aug due date then by 18th Sept if you go overdue your baby could be a lot less than 3 weeks old.

[Octaviapink]

I wouldn't have gone to a wedding with my 3 week old, just because of the hassle levels. She would have been fine with it - 3 week olds are very portable, especially if you have a sling and you breastfeed. But remember that at that point you will still be leaking lochia, wearing maternity or big panty-pads in big disposable knickers, probably being sicked over after every feed, have been up half the night and certainly needing to hold baby nearly all the time. (If you go you will definitely need to be taking baby - you'll be bfing probably every 2 hours and more if you're out and about because they tend not to feed properly/you don't get a proper let-down if you're busy.) I wouldn't plan a posh outfit!

I think it's definitely possible to go, but you need to be able to back out depending on how you feel/ how easy you're finding those first few weeks. Don't beat yourself up or feel you 'have' to go - your friend will understand, and particularly when she has babies of her own!

[cinnamongreyhound]

I had stopped bleeding by the time DS was 3 weeks old so wasn't quite as unglamourous as Octaviapink is suggesting but I did leak a lot of milk and had a lot of problems with cracked sore nipples so wasn't confident feeding out of the house. I did if I needed to and did go out for short periods, but I did find it very stressful and although he was feeding every 3 hours he often would have unexpected feeds when out and about as he was getting more stimulation, needed more reassurance and as mentioned I probably didn't feed him as thoroughly as I would have at home. He was also very sicky so that wasn't much fun when out and about.

I'm not sure you'd go anywhere to relax when you have a 3 weeks old, where its with you or not! You will probably have a lot of people who want to hold the baby so you are likely to get a break if you can relax while others are holding your baby. I wouldn't have left mine at 3 weeks, left him to take DSS to the cinema when he was about 14 weeks and I hated every second!

If the bride is a good friend just say you would really like to go and will do all you can to make it but that you can't make any promises as you don't know when baby will arrive/how you will feel etc and she will hopefully understand.

[chloesbaby]

i got married last august and invited a friend who had a two week old on our wedding day.
they told us they would come if they were able and that was fine with us. we planned for them to come, and were flexible knowing they may not be able to.
in the end they came to the ceremony, had a glass of champers at the reception after but decided not to stay for the meal. this was absolutley fine - we just rearranged the chairs at the table and pushed them a bit closer together.
i think most people will understand you won't know until the day, and if they are good friends they will want to accommodate your needs (and they will love to see the baby, even if you don't stay for the whole thing)

[LittleMissSnowShine]

I'm tending to feel the same as chloesbaby - I think I'd be happy enough to go for a few hours, either with the baby or without, depending. But I just can't see being able to handle more than 2 or 3 hours in high heels and trying to look calm, composed and glamorous lol - esp not given what Octaviapink has pointed out! Hadn't even thought of that aspect of things...

I was wondering if that would be an ok way to RSVP - just say that hopefully we'll be able to make it along to some part of the day/evening but not all of it and it all depends on how things go with the birth and first couple of weeks.

But sounds like everyone is pretty much in agreement that it's ok not to commit to anything for definite so I think that's what I'll do. Thanks!!

[beanlet]

"I'll be there if I possibly can be, but will need to keep it flexible in case the baby is overdue/there are complications."

Most non-bridezillas would be perfectly happy with that I'm sure.

[MumNWLondon]

If you are happy to express milk in advance then maybe you can go and leave the baby with your mum, babies at that age generally happy to accept bottle - you might need to pump milk if you were leaving your baby for more than 4-5 hours.

Or go and take your mum with to sit with carrycot in the lobby etc. Or maybe have the baby there in the afternoon and get your mum to come and get the baby (or get your DH to take the baby home) in time for the sit down bit - thats probably what i would do.

My DS2 was a week early and I was only bleeding for around a week so wasn't even wearing STs by 3 weeks after due date.

[minipie]

from the point of view of the couple, the only bit they really need to know definite numbers for is the sit down meal (if they are doing one).

So if I were you I'd say you won't go to the meal but you will try to make it to the ceremony and/or drinks, baby conditions permitting.

I'm sure they should be fine with that.

[cardamomginger]

I suppose it depends on the caterer and the venue, but when we got married they only needed to know final definite numbers a couple of days before the wedding. OK, you don't want to be in the situation where there are loads of RSVP's outstanding - but for the few who genuinely can't make a commitment until right beforehand/might need to drop out, it should be fine.

[beanlet]

"babies at that age generally happy to accept bottle"

If she's two weeks overdue, s/he will only be 1 week old.

[neolara]

I went to a wedding with my first dc when she was two weeks old. We didn't go to the ceremony but we turned up for the reception, said congratulations, had EVERYONE coo over my gorgeous girl, then left before the meal. It was about 20 mins away. All very manageable. I wouldn't have wanted to have committed to a whole day out though. And I think leaving her with your mum for a few hours, if you are planning to bf, is not really going to work.

(And I did feel a bit bad about dd nearly upstaging the bride!)

[TheBoyWithaSORNedMX5]

The fact your hoping to BF should make matters easier TBH (I've clearly blanked out memories of crack nipples and milk leakage). Tiny babies are very portable.

On one hand, you might feel exhausted and prefer to spend your days sat on the sofa watching Jeremy Kyle gazing at your newborn. OTOH you migh relish adult company and the opportunity to show off your bundle of joy. Both are perfectly acceptable

RSVP with the caveat that you might have to bow out at short notice. The bride and groom should understand.

[traceybath]

I think as others have suggested - I'd say yes provisionally to ceremony and drinks but decline the meal.

If its a sit down meal it will be costing the couple quite a lot of money and its a shame to waste the money if you can't make it.

Although saying all that I declined a wedding invite for shortly after dc3 was due because I just knew I'd rather be at home on sofa bf rather than trying to look glam at a wedding with a tiny baby.

[LittleMissSnowShine]

I think the main problem for me is that it's two weddings on the same day - missing one is bad enough but missing two seems like a real pity!! But if I've got cracked nipples, stitches, heavy duty STs on the go and a newborn baby, a wedding might not be the ideal return to socialising!!

I have PCOS and my due date was originally 3rd August and is now 28th August, but I can't help but feel that the due date is possibly a little on the late side and for some reason I just keep thinking DC is going to arrive earlier, so he/she might be as much as 4 or 5 weeks old by then. But we'll see...

I think, as you say, since the meal is the only bit the couple really need to know numbers, we'll either aim to go to ceremony and have a drink after or call up to the reception for a couple of hours after the dinner is over so I can show my face, catch up with friends and get some adult company!! All this will be subject to cancellation if I'm a complete gibbering mess of course

So hard to think about what your life is actually going to be like when there's a baby in it, a whole new set of factors to take into account. As I'm beginning to learn!!!

[5DollarShake]

I am due on August 4th and have a wedding to go to on August 13th.

I have every intention of going, even though it's only a week and a half after my DD.

1. I suspect I am going to be early, even if only a few days (DC2). I recognise I may well not be, and that I may have to miss the wedding.

1. The wedding and reception are walking distance from home, so I can leave any time I want

1. Newborns are pretty portable and will sleep/feed anywhere.

1. I am hoping b/feeding will be established by then, and am happy to b/feed as and when (already looking at nursing dresses suitable for a wedding)

1. Our MH will have DS1 all day, so will only have to look after DC2.

I am happy to take it as it comes and perhaps only attend for a short while, but would probably not feel so easy about it if the whole thing wasn't quite so close to home.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[DomesticG0ddess]

Personally I wouldn't plan to go, but then I had emer c-section first time round and got thrush in my breasts, meaning bf'ing was excruciating and I was mainly attached to my breast pump. And the thought of going along to the wedding in some of my tatty maternity clothes (which lets face it they will be by then), with breast pads and eye bags, not to mention the actual baby... I'm not really unadventurous, we've travelled loads with DS including India and Africa, but my memories of the first 4 weeks are not good ones.

Also, I got married on a beach without friends and family, so I wouldn't mind missing a wedding, but appreciate that for you it might be really important to go, so I agree you could say yes to ceremony, but miss out the meal - you would probably be wanting to get back by then anyway. Good luck!