First Trimester Blues

[Finnibin]

Hi Everyone,

I've got a bit of a rant if I'm honest but would really like someone elses' take on this as I am feeling a bit alone on this one.

And so the rant begins...
I'm 28 and last week I found out that I'm 5 weeks pregnant with my first child. We'd started TTC only very recently so although it was a planned pregnancy, it was still a bit of a surprise. I've started feeling fatigued and had morning sickness already so I thought I'd better tell my boss in case I'm ill at work. Plus I've got an appointment at the doctors next week and saw no reason to lie to him about my whereabouts.
Figuring I'd have to tell him at some point anyway and knowing that he was trustworthy enough to tell I decided to tell him today. There was no problem with that in itself, he was very understanding and said to take any time that I need/let him know if I feel unwell. But why do people feel the need to tell you that 'it's early days, you probably won't be wanting to tell people yet'. It's true I probably won't be telling people at work for another two months but why does everybody who's not having a baby have an opinion on when it's a 'good time to tell people'.
Ok so I fully understand that the chances of miscarriage in the first trimester are at their highest but I feel like I'm not allowed to be excited until that time is over.
Those people that I choose to tell before the '3 months barrier' are the same people that I would want to know if I were unfortunate enough to have a miscarriage. I'd want their support and they'd notice if there was something wrong with me.

It was only this morning that I was talking to a colleague (who doesn't know I'm expecting) and she was telling me 'so and so is having a baby and has told everyone after only 2 months...' with a sour disapprovng look on her face.

I know I can tell whoever I want and I shouldn't care what other people think but I feel like I'm not allowed to be excited without being reprimanded and reminded of the risks before the 3 months is up, usually accompanied by a horror story of 'someone I know had a miscarriage at 6 weeks...'.

I'm recently married to a wonderful man and we are taking the decision of having children very seriously and not lightly at all. Consequently we have done our homework and I don't appreciate be spoken to like some sort of silly girl who hasn't considered the risks and downfalls but I find myself unable to defend how I feel and how I'm sure lots of other women feel too?

Is the entire first trimester just a lonely 3 months? : (

[shonaspurtle]

You should do whatever you like. Your reasons for telling people are very good and valid ones.

Tbh, this is just your first experience of people assuming that you'll feel/do the same as them. Welcome to motherhood!

Personally, I only told my closest friends and my parents before the 12 week scan and I didn't feel "safe" until after that scan. That was my choice for my reasons though. No reason you should feel the same.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

[shonaspurtle]

And it's not lonely, you can be excited and make plans with your dh, your best friend, whoever else you plan to tell.

And talk about it on here as well

[Finnibin]

Thanks Shonaspurtle, I really do feel better already.
I'm going to stick to what I feel is the right thing to do and the next time someone says something unhelpful, I'll be straight back on here for some soothing advice! : )

[berberis]

Hello, have you joined one of the ante-natal clubs on here? You will be due July or August I think? It's really good, you can share your thoughts with everyone and everyone is really supportive x

[Cith]

Finnibin, Congratulations on your pregnancy!
I completely appreciate your queries! I got pregnant as soon as DH and I had started TTC which was exciting but also so surprising I don't think either of us thought it would happen that quickly and so had some fast adapting to do... because it is all so new and you suddenly become ultra aware of what you eat, do, and say to everyone it feels like you have a beacon saying 'pregnant!' across your forehead (nausea and fatigue don't help). I ended up telling my managers and some close friends and family and I am really glad that I did tell some of those people, because at 12wks5d we did have a missed miscarriage...and then went on to have a full miscarriage before my appointment for a D&C. COnsequently I needed a bit of time off work, and to talk to some people. Talking about this traumatic event was really important for my husband and I and we ended up telling people who didn't know that we were pregnant anyway. We went through a bit of a 'lying low' period and I had a couple of months afterwards where I was still not drinking and trying to be really healthy to conceive again so it also meant that people didn't harrass or ask questions about why I wasn't drinking or if I was 'trying to get pregnant', but then there are friends in whom I could confide all of this.
I am happily pregnant again and now at 16 weeks so feeling a little more relaxed that things have gone 'better' so far (although still not without trial and stress along the way!) I ended up telling people again this time (after an early scan) and would do the same again. I have really enjoyed having people share the excitement of this pregnancy through the first trimester and have been far more relaxed throughout that I thought I might have been (possibly more relaxed than I was the first time anyway). For me the support network was important for the trauma of miscarriage, and now is wonderful to be able to share the relief and excitement of this pregnancy. It is up to you who and when you tell people, but I agree that if you are aware of the risks that can happen and you want to share with some friends/family who you would confide in at any rate then that worked for me. First trimester is an anxious time but try to enjoy it!

[driedapricots]

i completely agree...if i miscarry i would want the support of those i would choose to tell i was pregnant anyway. what's the big secret? is having a miscarriage something to hide, of course not. i'm sure its a relatively new and dare i say it middle class phenomena where you wait til the first scan before sharing the news... plus my friends would know immediately i stopped drinking anyway
i'm 5 weeks now and have to say i do cloud my announcement with the saying 'i know it's early days...' and i haven't told work yet but only bcos if something did go wrong i wouldn't want them then thinking i was actively trying again and therefore assign me to the 'wants a baby not a promotion' pile. my biggest issue is stopping myself from bursting into tears at any moment...do you find you're overly emotional at this stage??!!

[teletubby7777]

I completely understand where you are coming from -- these sorts of comments aren't always helpful.

But perhaps your boss may have advised you on when to tell people about your pregnancy based on his own personal experience -- this goes for many people.

I have to admit that after suffering two miscarriages I usually cringe when I hear women announcing early pregnancies. In my case, I am very grateful that I only told immediate family and very close friends. They were there to support me through the joy and the tears. Telling other people however would have felt slightly presumptious -- like I was counting my chickens before they were hatched.

Anyway, I would definitely be happy and hopeful in this period and I would also definitely share it with loved ones.....there is no better feeling.

However, like Lunatic said, don't assume that people will always care -- some people find listening to pregnancy excitement very boring!

[goodname]

I told everyone at about 6/7 weeks because it was too exciting and am very glad I did. Everyone has been very excited for me and its great to be able to share any worries you might have with people who understand you. I told everyone because all my friends and family know each other in one way or another and secrets never work so there was no point just telling a few people. If anything goes wrong I would want people to know that too, dont really see what the big secret is all about.

[mistletoekisses]

To the OP

Firstly, congrats on your pregnancy.

Second of all - now that you are pregnant, get used to non pregnant people having an opinion on everything. I think once you fall pregnant, you simply have to grow a second skin and let a lot of the 'well meaning' advice rebound off you. You are either glowing, or you look tired. You are blooming, or you are fat. Your bump is huge, or you are tiny. The list is endless. Close your ears to it and dont take it personally.

Finally - I have always found the first trimester the hardest. Hormones are all over the place, you feel absolutely shattered and (for me) you can't talk to anyone about it. Because outside of very immediate family (mother, brother) - I have not told people before the 12 week scan. Because the truth is that the risk of miscarriage is the highest in the first 12 weeks. And people focus on that.

Plus, you will be hard pushed to find someone who doesnt know someone else who has unfortunately miscarried. So their personal fears/ experiences are projected onto your situation. They arent coming from a bad place, but it is almost a protective reaction IMO.

The sad part is that people dont focus on the fact that most pregnancies dont end in miscarriage, but a healthy baby and mummy.

Let it roll off you, understand that your hormones are wreaking havoc and enjoy your excitement online here! Lots of people to discuss excitement with!