Dealing with an unplanned pregnancy.....

[PanicMode]

I have name changed for this - even though I'm not really 'known' on MN, but I know people who use the site and who know my name, so want to stay anon for now!!

I have just discovered that I am pg with an unplanned number 4. DH has been booked in for the snip at the end of September for ages and we had been using contraception - which failed.

I really need to get my head around this - I am a Catholic, so termination isn't an option, but at the moment I can't feel positive at all. We have a 7 seater car, and bought a bigger house last year when number 3 arrived so from an immediate practical point of view, we're ok, but we both said that we were finished, and didn't want any more children as we wanted to move on with our lives.

I am feeling really overwhelmed at the thought of having another baby - I have been in floods of tears for days - not a great look at work! - and financially it's going to be a struggle as I'm going to have to stop work. At the moment we have a fantastic nanny, but she'll want more money for 4 children, and I am barely covering my costs at the moment, as I have to commute into London for the 3 days a week that I work.....

Does anyone know whether there are any counselling services available - I feel that I need to face this positively because I don't want to feel resentful of the poor baby. Or does anyone have any helpful words of wisdom that will help me to feel better about this.

Thanks

[LadyStealthPolarBear]

If termination isn't an option, would adoption be? Not that I'm suggesting you do that, but if you at least feel you have an option then you might be able to think about the situation a bit more clearly other than just feeling trapped iyswim.

[weegiemum]

I seem to have written about this a few times recently - this happened to me.

I got pg with No3 after my coil slipped. I had not dealt well with pregnancy etc as I was very ill both during and after, physically and PND. For us too, termination was not an option and we never even considered it.

My youngest dd is now almost 6 and amazing. I couldn't imagine life without her. It was very hard and I was very ill, but looking at her popping off to school in the morning now and reading books to me in the evening and playing games and swimming up and down the pool ... yes, it was hard, but worth every moment.

Not sure if that helps, but I have been there and come out the other side!

[Jbck]

I was referred for pre-pregnancy counselling by my GP when I was considering children many years ago. I decided not to have any but about 3 years later found myself unexpectedly pregnant through dh's carelessness contraceptive failure.

I think some of what I learned in the counselling helped even though I had decided not to go ahead with having children.

Maybe your HV or GP could help.

I was in a very different situation but I wouldn't be without my daughter and even went on to have another despite never having wanted any really for various reasons. DD2 was very much planned

Good luck with whatever you decide and hopefully your DH will give you all the strength and support as it takes two.

[somanyboyssolittletime]

Hi. Am in a similar situation - unexpectedly pregnant with number 4 too. I was pretty gutted at the beginning, lots of crying and panicking, like you. We have the car and the house etc for 6 of us, but it was just the sheer panic about my ability to cope that was scaring me.

Anyway, I am now 17 weeks, and apart from the odd moment of 'what the hell am I doing?' when I have had a bad day with the boys, I am getting rather excited!! Obviously everyone's situation is different, but I think once you have got over the initial shock, everything will feel a lot better and you will be able to enjoy your pregnancy.

Hope you get through this tough bit, and start thinking about all the lovely bits to come soon! (Also hope I am not back here in Feb eating my words!) Good luck.

[gizzy1973]

from a nanny's (and mum to be) perspective here your nanny shouldnt be paid more for an extra child as nanny wages arent based on pe child like childminders or nurseries

[MACKAT]

i posted a similar messgae a few weeks back. the timing still is rubbish, am still dreading telling peole as feel rather foolish, but as the weeks have gone by (am 9 now) feel less panicky and more resigned (not in a bad way, just in a what will be sort of way) give it a few weeks and hopefully you will be the same.

[PanicMode]

Thanks so much everyone - good to know I'm not the only "foolish" one to find herself in this situation. I feel embarrassed, even though we were being careful, and I am DREADING telling work - it's my 4th set of maternity leave in the 7 years I've been here!

I am feeling less pessimistic today - I hope by 17 weeks I will feel pleased. I'm just rather overwhelmed by it all and starting to adjust to the thought of a new life coming into our family - I'm sure the children will be pleased, the older two have been wanting another baby in the house for ages (as if a manic 16 month old isn't enough for them!)

Thanks again.

[LackaDAISYcal]

No real words of wisdom, just wanted to lend some support. I was in a similar situation when unexpectedly pregnant with No 3, but we had an inkling I would be, so by the time I got the positive line we were half prepared. There is a huge difference between three and four though.

How is your DH coping with the news?
Oh and talk to your GP; they will be able to put you in touch with someone. hugs xx

[PanicMode]

Hi LD

Number 3 also came along earlier than we were planning , but we had always wanted three and knew that it was only a matter of time - he just was slightly ahead of the plan. But we had talked endlessly recently about not having another one as we both felt done - hence him being booked in for the snip for some time.....

DH is being brilliant, and trying not to panic about the financial implications once I stop work but at least we don't have to worry about school fees now - there's no way we can manage four through school 3 was pushing it!

However, it's a huge adjustment and although I'm sure that we'll get to a point when we are really pleased and excited, but it may just take until we see a baby on a scan to accept that this is real and not a nightmare!

[LackaDAISYcal]

If the worst somes to the worst financially you can always take on some part time work? I'm a construction professional and have decided not to go back due to childcare costs, but am seriously considering a job on the checkout in Sainsbury's to help us out. I can do that evenings or weekends so no childcare needed.

Makes me wonder why I spent the better part of 15 years going to university and then training to do my professional exams and building a career, but hey....I love my family more than I ever loved the job!

[PanicMode]

Sounds as though we're in a similar line of business....I'm not coming back either afterwards. Am thinking of retraining as a proof reader/copy editor with Chapterhouse and then touting myself to professional journals/publications as the pay seems quite good and I've got 18 months until the money stops rolling in.

I too would also consider Sainsburys etc, but from things I'm reading, they are innundated with applications apparently, so we're probably overqualified and wouldn't get a look in!

[LackaDAISYcal]

ah, well maybe something else then! I have my eye on the council jobs site for an assistant in the library and I'm starting to sell real nappies for some pin money.

I'm sure things will settle into some semblance of normality soon enough and that it'll soon seem like second nature to be a mum of four. I'm the youngest of four and it was a happy, but busy household when I was growing up. It was tough for my parents financially but we never wanted for anything (well maybe I never got that horse I always wanted ) and we always had a holiday and they made great memories for us.

From what I've read on here as well, No4 tends to just slot into family life with nary a whimper! Mind you I was told that about No 3 as well who has been my most difficult baby.

As for what other people and work think.....try not to let that bother you as at the end of the day it is really no-ones business but yours. I get the "hands full" comments all the time as there are only 17months between my younger two and I just try and smile beatifically and agree (normally through gritted teeth though!)

[LackaDAISYcal]

you know I had thought about proofreading as well, but was put off by the thought that it is difficult to actually get work once you have the qualification.

I've had a quick look at the Chapterhouse site though and am tempted again.....it's getting DH's approval that might be an issue though as he thinks I have too much on the go at the minute anyway....

[PanicMode]

I have 15 months between 1 and 2, 33 months between 2 and 3, and will have 24 months between 3 and 4 so am expecting similar comments.

I have heard that it can be hard to find work, but it's only about £190 for the course, and with a professional qualification, it may make it easier to approach more specialised publishers?

[LackaDAISYcal]

you'll have no shortage of helpers then

I have bitten the bullet and signed up with Chapterhouse! DH will probably go nuts. Would I be unreasonable to not mention it and do it on the sly?

[PanicMode]

No, perfectly sensible. Then when you are finished you can show him your new qualification, thus demonstrating your ability to help share the financial burden. He'll be so pleased that he'll forget all about the subterfuge

[LackaDAISYcal]

I like your thinking

Well, gotta get on with getting on and show that I can run a household never mind studying at the same time

I hope my witterings have helped take your mind off things for a bit.

and I might see you around on the larger families boards as although DH had the snip in Feb, our sex life has been pretty non existent since then and he hasn't sent in his samples so we have no idea if he is "good to go" and got a bit carried away the other night, right in the middle of my cycle...ooops. I am currently in denial about it although clicking on relevant threads!

[PanicMode]

Yes, I should get on too - I'm at work and supposed to be working!! Thanks for distracting me for a bit.

Good luck with the course - I haven't signed up yet, but probably will next month.