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IVF - finally pregnant but partner still upset when other people get pregnant

(13 Posts)
andyorange Thu 23-Jul-09 14:09:50

hi - we have just got pregnant after one ivf attempt - while we were trying my partner found it pretty upsetting when hearing of other people's pregnancies - lots of her close friends became pregnant while we were trying. well now we're pregnant and everything looks good (just had a 6 week scan and they found the heartbeat). i told her about another pregnancy in the family today and she found it quite tough to deal with. i think its going to take some time for her to come to terms with the fact that we are actually having a baby. i'm sure it probably takes a while to move out of that pattern of thinking. i'm just wondering if any other women out there have had a similar experience. I think she'll benefit from knowing that it is normal and there's nothing to worry about. thks

ruddynorah Thu 23-Jul-09 14:19:36

she will probably continue to worry right through, certainly towards each scan, wanting to check everything is ok. so now there is an element of worry, another pregnancy in the family which may go 'better' than hers.

i had a molar pregnancy before this pregnancy, i'm due november. it certainly took me until past me 8wk, 10wk, 12 wk and 20wk scan to feel comfortable that this pregnancy was actually happening. we have another scan booked for around 28 wks, i shall continue to worry until then. i haven't enjoyed this pregnancy at all, haven't been able to get excited or anything. i'm really just starting to get 'into' it and am choosing a pram and so on.

Habbibu Thu 23-Jul-09 14:25:01

I think when you've had difficulties - either trouble conceiving, or lost babies, that other people's apparently straightforward conception and pregnancy can feel hard to take. We lost a baby at 21 weeks, and I really wasn't interested in other people's pregnancies even when I was pregnant with dd2 - mine just felt so much more fragile, somehow. It's normal, and as pregnancy milestones pass she will feel more confident and comfortable. Just keep listening to her and supporting her. Good luck!

Caitni Thu 23-Jul-09 14:32:27

Congrats on your partner's pregnancy smile. I'm glad that the IVF worked first time for you...I'm also newly pregnant (just over 8 weeks) after our first round of IVF so I know a little of what it's like, both the upset at other people's news and the surreal nature of finally being pregnant!

Firstly, even a good scan doesn't take away all the worry. We had a lovely 7 week scan last week (strong regular heart beat - was so wondeful to see grin) but I still worry that something terrible will happen...though from all my family and friends (and fellow Mumsnetters) who've been through pregnancy say this is normal and doesn't stop til you give birth (and then you just worry about the baby!). I also don't really "feel pregnant", despite the tiredness, sometime nausea and mood swings. I don't know what I expected, but I expected pregnancy to be amazing and somehow I'm still me, albeit a spottier, moodier, more tired version of myself. Hard to explain so sorry for rambling...but it might not feel "real" for your partner yet.

Secondly, I think it's normal to still be finding other people's news a bit of a struggle. 6 weeks pregnant means the IVF rollercoaster only ended about 2 weeks ago when you got your positive test. So after the hormonal overload of IVF there are now loads of pregnancy hormones swirling around. No wonder she still got upset at hearing some relative got pregnant (I'm assuming they got pregnant easily and naturally). I was bawling my eyes out at Chris Moyles on Who Do You Think You Are? last night hmm so I reckon if a really close family member or friend told me they were pregnant they'd get a similar reaction (though I like to think it would be tinged with tears of happiness for them too).

Sorry to ramble but I really do think your partner is perfectly normal and these feelings will pass. We like to think just how amazing this pregnancy is because of the hoops we had to jump through to get here smile.

PootleTheFlump Thu 23-Jul-09 15:24:49

Congratulations - what amazing news for you! I just wanted to add that it sounds completely normal. I had an ectopic last year and took a while to get pregnant again. Am now 25 weeks and all is going well. I am massively grateful and happy BUT have only recently allowed myself to consider that a baby may come in November and that it may not all go horribly wrong. I still wince when friends talk about "having a 2 year gap" or "having a boy next", because I will never believe that things happen like that. Hearing about other people's perfect conceptions/pregnancies did and still can hurt, even though you are pleased for them and wouldn't wish any harm to them. I think it all sounds completely normal - and it will slowly pass/fade as you allow yourselves to become excited.

My friend had multiple miscarriages before having 3 gorgeous dc, and she said to me, "it's horrible having feelings you're not proud of isn't it? They do pass". They felt like very wise words to me at the time.

Good luck smile

barbigirl Thu 23-Jul-09 18:01:13

I got pregnant after 2nd IVF and when they told us at 6wks we had a heartbeat I burst into tears, convinced that this was just a new way for mother nature to taunt us before taking it all away! The anxiety about losing him went at...ooh 30 weeks? And was quickly replaced by anxiety of prematurity, followed by anxiety of every other thing that you can read about on t'internet! So it's completely normal I'd say. But it will get incrementally better and better, as everyone else says.

As regards other people's pregnancies- would it help if you started relating these babies to your baby? EG- x's baby will be in the same school class as our baby...they could be mates...or get married.... I found that really helped me imagine my embryo as a real person. But I can understand if she thinks that this is tempting fate.

I also always found it encouraging when my uber- optimistic husband said things like 'it's okay...it just means our baby will be the youngest and everyone will pet him/ her as the baby of the family' in the face of a failed round of fertility treatment!

More contraversially, perhaps, I also found it useful when he pointed out to me that other people's pregnancies have zero bearing on your own ability to conceive- 'there are not a finite number of babies in the world...x hasn't taken one away from you'. It seemed a bit harsh at the time, but it actually really changed my thinking and made me feel much more positive when dealing with other's news.

The other thing we did was lavish presents on people when they had kids, hoping that some kind of 'what you reap, you sow' principle might kick in and give us good IVF karma. Once we decided to have this attitudinal change ( other people's pregnancies- brilliant! fabulous! fantastic! tell us more!) we did find it helped. At first it was a bit forced but it did make it more bearable, if only because other people weren't pussing footing around us. All pregnancy = good. I know it sounds a bit odd but it worked for us.

Err, hope that helps. So much good luck!

sjbj Thu 23-Jul-09 18:54:48

Hi i'm now 19 weeks preg after 3rd IVF attempt finally worked and my husband still finds it hard especially when, like you say other peoples conceptions seem to be "easy". So you can tell your partner yes it is quite normal/common to feel that way!

Gromit78 Thu 23-Jul-09 19:53:35

Message withdrawn

LouMacca Thu 23-Jul-09 20:33:30

First of all huge congratulations to you and your wife.

I hope that i can reassure you by saying all these feelings will go once you have that baby in your arms.

When I got pregnant after my 3rd attempt at IVF I thought of myself as a pregnant IVF mum-to-be throughout my pregnany. When I had my babies I was just a normal mum who had just got pregnant by another method iynwim.

IVF is a very stressful and hard journey and I never really believed I would have that baby (or babies in our case) until they were there. I think its just a way of coping.

MrsTittleMouse Thu 23-Jul-09 20:39:17

Congratulations!

Just to echo what everyone else has said - after you have been through infertility it can be very hard to believe that you are actually pregnant and that you will have a baby. DH and I were both very anxious through both of my pregnancies, even though everything was absolutely fine. I also find it hard to hear about women who get pregnant easily sometimes, even though I now have two lovely DDs and we are done with reproducing. I still feel the "failure" of not reproducing naturally somehow. It's so much better now though, of course, and I'm sure that it will be for you too, once you have your baby in your arms.

WesternBelle Thu 23-Jul-09 21:20:53

There's something very special about being the newest pg and somehow, subsequent pgs you know of make you feel like your pg is "old news" when you still want it to be front page every day!!

When I became pg I felt like the first and last person it was going to happen to. A friend became pg a few weeks after me and I momentarily felt a bit like she'd trodden on my toes?!

Totally irrational I know but I remember thinking "Humph - could have waited until I'd had MY baby first!" Obviously I knew it was an irrational feeling and it passed pretty quickly but it was there all the same. And I hadn't even have a hard time conceiving.

trellism Fri 24-Jul-09 11:20:01

I was very cross after ttc for 2 years when my sister popped up when I was only about 10 weeks and said she was pg after "only" trying for 3 months.

I know how your partner feels. It is hard to get out of the mindset that every new pregnancy you hear of is yet another load of cosmic injustice being thrown on you.

It does pass and like the other posters here, I found that eventually I've been able to start daring to plan for the new arrival.

Take it easy and learn to enjoy the pregnancy and being one of the lucky ones, for once.

andyorange Mon 03-Aug-09 07:33:06

Just wanted to say thanks for the wise words. I have related some of these stories to my partner and she's feeling much more normal now! I think to know that other people have had the same feelings really helped so thank you everyone.

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