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How soon is too soon...

(25 Posts)
mumzee Mon 02-Feb-09 21:01:41

Our little boy is now 14 months and hubby thinks we should get cracking on the second one. There are days when I love the idea and then there are days when I am reminded of the whole pregnancy, breastfeeding, constant middle of the night waking up, burping etc and not to forget the excessive weight gain and the effort that went into getting it off. Went from 56kg to 92kg and have only just gotten the pounds off, with a lot of effort that is. Will be turning 35 in March, if that should have any bearing on this decision. Anyway, I just wanted to ask you ladies as to how soon is too soon between births and when do you know that 'you're ready' - that's if you ever can be!

fryalot Mon 02-Feb-09 21:04:27

well, by the time dd2 was fourteen months old, we'd already had ds grin

You're ready when you're ready, I think.

thisisyesterday Mon 02-Feb-09 21:05:06

i just KNEW when i was ready. like you I had times when i loved the idea of having another, and i would get really broody, but then a week later I had changed my mind again.

when i was ready I was really ready, and when dp suggested we wait some more I was incredibly upset about the whole thing. so... erm, i just knew lol

dizzydixies Mon 02-Feb-09 21:05:49

girl at my work who had her DS a month before my DD (6months) is pregnant again so her wee man will only be 14months as well

if you can manage then good luck to you smile

smellen Mon 02-Feb-09 21:07:11

If you got pg within a couple of months, you'd be looking at a 2 year gap, which I've found OK. Second time round is (generally) less of a trauma than the first one (birthwise), and you are already in the role of parents, so the adjustments are minimal. I've really enjoyed DS2, so would say go for it. No denying it isn't exhausting at times, but it is good fun too a lot of the time.

If you did decide to go ahead with another pg your LO will be nearly 2 when you have it (thats if you decide to do it now!) I am currently 10 wks and DS2 will be 1 on wed, I myself am totally ready but don't feel pressured into it of you don't want to. Maybe you should voice your concerns to DH.
I dont think there ever is a wrong or right time, its whether you are ready...emotionally and physically.
Good luck with ur decision

mumzee Mon 02-Feb-09 21:12:11

Oh dizzydixies, we haven't even gotten crackin' yet so I'm guessing our little man will definitely be 2yrs or more by the time the next bundle arrives!

Not sure how our son will react...after all a baby is sure to take me away from him quite a bit and I certainly wont have the energy that I currently possess. Just so many questions coming to mind:-)

bosch Mon 02-Feb-09 21:14:09

I was 32 when I decided I wanted three children. Had ds1 at 34, ds2 at nearly 36 and ds3 at 39. Felt I needed to crack on in view of age. I also managed to squeeze in two early m/c, before ds1 and after ds2. Just finishing breastfeeding ds3 (he's 2 and a bit) and am a bit gutted that the whole baby thing is over for me. Whatever you decide, make sure you're going to enjoy it, don't let dh rush you into it. Have you an idea of the gap you want? How would you feel if you left it a couple of years and it turned out you'd left it too late? Answers might help you decide when to go for no 2?

It is hard work having children close together in age but they are such good friends, it makes it feel worthwhile (sometimes!)

dizzydixies Mon 02-Feb-09 21:21:21

mumzee there is just under 3yrs between my DD1 and DD2 which I found ok because I didn't need double buggy, DD1 was out of nappies and there were in different car seats etc

there is just over two years between DD2 and DD3 which is managable because DD3 is a much easier baby than DD2 but takes a bit more organising!!!

the other thing that worries me, for when I go back to work, is the childcare costs

just something else to think about - doesn't stop me dreaming about having a 4th though!!

mumzee Mon 02-Feb-09 21:21:35

smellen - your response is reassuring on many fronts. Was it difficult for your eldest to not have you available as much perhaps after the second one?

bosch - you're absolutely right about the age factor playing a role as well and some of my fears are based on leaving it too long and then bearing the consequences. No pressure as such from DH, he thinks it'll be good for the older one to have a playmate. Mind you, he already has 2 kids who are a year apart (9 and 10) and they do set a good example. I also quit work after 13 yrs as I wanted to enjoy my little one 24/7 and not miss out on these precious moments. Perhaps it would also make sense to have the next one and then get back to work. Lucky enough to have choices o every front...just a bit confused!

saucypan Mon 02-Feb-09 21:31:21

i left it up to nature, and have just got pg with number 2 - dd is 19 months.

bosch Mon 02-Feb-09 22:35:19

Mumzee - I have always worked part-time between having ds's. As ds1 and 2 are at school now, I'm having a bit of quality one-to-one time with ds3 on my days off, which makes me sad that I didn't really have that with ds2.

Wouldn't change anything for the world though.

Have wondered sometimes if it's better to have them close together so that you don't get too used to getting a good night's sleep...smile

purpleflower Mon 02-Feb-09 22:40:08

DS and DD are 2years and 1 day apart. I think it's lovely. My older brothers are almost 2 years apart and have always been great friends. I am thinking of a 3 year age gap now for the next one but only because of my first 2 starting school and preschool.

DS has been great since his little sister has arrived, I just try and make sure we do things together when DD sleeps. DD is a very easy baby compared to DS though.

smellen Tue 03-Feb-09 13:57:22

I think how DC1 copes with the introduction of a sibling depends on various factors: their personality, the family situation (if nothing else is changing, it must make the transition from Top Dog to One of the Pack a little easier), and how the parents try to integrate the new baby into the family.

I think I was lucky that DS1 was pretty good with language by the time I was pregnant with DS2, so I was able to read books with him about new babies, he came to the scan etc. and talked about babies in very general terms. His nature is quite gentle and he is good at sharing, so - with a couple of hair-raising exceptions! - he has been fairly kind to his new brother and they seem to get along famously. Number 2 has watched him with growing adoration from about 8 wks, and it is lovely when they look at each other, laugh like drains, and I have no idea what the devilish twinkle in their eyes means...

In the first year of being a mum, I would have thought anyone voluntarily having another was barking mad, but as things get a bit more manageable it seemed that the best present in the world for DS1 would be a sibling. I can only hope they will grow up loving each other and being good friends. Good luck, whatever & whenever you decide...

smellen Tue 03-Feb-09 14:03:28

And yes, of course I am less available - e.g. I have to disappear upstairs to change nappies every now and then, and have sometimes had to just switch the telly on and fall asleep on the sofa... but I think on balance that DS1 gets an awful lot out of having a "little puppy" (as he calls him sometimes) to run around with and roll about on the floor with after dinner!

Another mum warned me that I would feel guilty if I was doing something with one kid and the other was not being entertained etc., and I have had moments when I have felt like that, but TBH I just reassure myself that by the age of 2.5-3y, it was probably desirable that DS1 was able to entertain himself for 20mn stretches at a time (whilst I BF the little one), and learnt how to share his toys and parents. One thing I had to do was make sure that the house was pretty child-proof, so I could confidently leave him with some toys whilst I was occupied with DS2 (that said he was always within earshot). So, in short, it was manageable and I have mostly enjoyed the first year with two. Hope this helps.

Sarahmum Tue 03-Feb-09 14:24:11

Hi

After I had my son, we decided that we wanted at least a three year age gap, but when we decided to go for it again, nothing happened. I had got pregnant within a month of trying first time round and it never occured to me that it might take longer the next time. Might be worth bearing in mind! Anyway, it still didn't happen and so we assumed that it was mother nature's way of telling us that one was enough. Now DS is 10 I find myself 30 wks pregnant and wondering why it didn't all happen 7 years ago!!!

mumzee Wed 04-Feb-09 08:10:46

sarahmum - Wow is all I can say!! I guess it just reiterates the fact that someone up there does have a plan for each one of us down here:-) Heartiest congrats to you!

smellen - I really appreciate you taking the time to share these specifics. I guess I should add that I do have a live-in full time housekeeper (who is very good with kids) and hence don't need to really do anything around the house. I like to cook a couple of times a week and do my son's food myself but it's all quite simple when you someone to do all the prep work and clean after. So there's not much that would take me away from the kids and I am a slightly possessive mom who didn't let the maid even hold the baby or change his diaper till he was 8-9months old. Till then I just wanted to do everything myself but now she gives him most of his meals and changes the diapers etc. With the second one, I'm guessing I will have to let go even more. I agree that in the long run all this will hopefully work out well and it will be nice for him to have a playmate his own age and perhaps they will entertain each other well. I think eventually I will also have to worry less about them getting too attached to the housekeeper as they will be more into each other. You say your little one was good with language by the time you got pregnant - how old was he then? Mine is 14months but can say just a handful of words. Perhaps that might be because we speak 3 languages around the house and hence he is having to learn words in all three. If I may ask, how did you help build his language skills?

All in all, I don't see much to worry about and I think by the time another little one evolves, it really won't be all that soon!

MrsMattie Wed 04-Feb-09 10:34:08

Hi there. I have a 4 yr old DS and a 3 mth old DD. There are big pros and big cons no matter which way you do it.

The pros of a 4 yr age gap for us were:

DS sleeps well, so haven;t got two non-sleepers at night
No double buggy issues
DS is old enough to understand the whole thing
Ds in school, so no double nursery/childminder fees if I went back to work (although I am a SAHM right now)
DS was old enough to be fairly independent when I was heavily pregnant, so I didn't have to carry him or have the demands of a baby/toddler while pregnant

The cons:

We had gotten too used to a good night's sleep!

The age gap is quite big in terms of them being playmates. DD is always going to be DS's 'baby sister'. he'll be 8 when she is 4. I do sometimes think back to my childhood (16 mths between me and my sister) and how wonderful it was we were so close in age...

I have several friends with small age gaps (between 1yr -2.5 yrs) and they have their own pros and cons. It seems to be more knackering,. but also extremely rewarding once they are old enough to be playmates.

I am desperately broody for no.3 at the moment, and I think the wish to recreatew that very close age gap between siblings is part of it.

Guess what I'm saying in a waffly and long winded way is that there is no right way to do it.

mummy2t Wed 04-Feb-09 10:38:13

my youngest is 11 months and i am 7 weeks pregnany again!!!

missmama Wed 04-Feb-09 10:53:03

DS3 is nearly 6 wks old and I have made a conscious decision that I will not be using any form of contraception, I am getting on a bit, 38 this year, and I think nature should just take its course this time.
2 1/2 years between DS1 and DS2. 8 years between DS2 and DS3.

missmama Wed 04-Feb-09 10:56:53

Sorry forgot to say I thought 2 1/2 years age gap was perfect. Oldest only in night nappies, and a pram and buggy board, no double pushchair needed.
The 8/10yr age gap is just like I have the one really as the older ones are at school all day and can fend for themselves at home grin

newmumof2 Wed 04-Feb-09 11:46:46

i have 2.5 yrs between my 2 which is lovely agree with other pp. my mum had 5 of us, gap between me and my sister 11 months, i.e i was 2 months old when she had her 3rd! my sister's 2nd was 4 months old when she conceived dd2!!

i feel broody too for dc3!

missmama can i ask what its like with 3 boys?

missmama Wed 04-Feb-09 13:44:13

I love having the 3 boys. I would not have known what to do with a girl at this late stage grin.

My eldest is very sensible, and thinks he is Dad sometimes, asking about sleeps and feeds and nappies.
DS2 is a very sensitive child, overly so. He will not speak to people he does not know, and this includes teachers.
It is difficult to describe them as a group but DS1 and DS2 are a 'unit' they are best friends and choose to spend the time together.
DH is very strict with them and they are not really into rough and tumble. But you cannot get near the telly for football and rugby. But at least at the weekends they are playing it as well as swimming.

I am looking forward to having three strapping young men in the house when they are older, DS1 is nearly as tall as me as it is.

newmumof2 Wed 04-Feb-09 15:01:30

what a lovely insight thanks!

mumzee Thu 05-Feb-09 18:24:56

Its really wonderful to hear about everone's experiences and so far I haven't heard anything but the positive side of it. Will let nature take its course in the near future....fingers crossed, you just might hear from me in another couple of months!!

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