Interfering mother in-law

[Lucylu92]

Hi guys

So my son is 2years old and my mother in law is driving me crazy . She waits until I leave the room to talk to my partner about my sons presents that me and my partner asked her to get, she didn’t buy the present we asked her she decided more then 1 ( we are not ungrateful by the way it’s just my son already has a lot of toys and would like him to have educational toys ). When a family member asks me questions regarding my son she interferes and answer for me like he is her son , on a few occasions she’s accidentally called herself Mum to him, I wanted to get him a certain toy then next time I seen her she mentioned she wanted to get him the exact toy like I didn’t mention it before . She also buys clothes for my son without talking to me about it ( I’m very organized , I have list for my sons clothing so we don’t have too much or not enough and I’m also always a year in front age wise )

She is very controlling and inserts herself into decisions that are nothing to do with her, I have spoken to my partner about this a number of times but he just says she won’t change she will just argue with him .
I do understand he is her first grandchild but he is also my first son and I feel like she’s trying to take over my role as mother and over step her boundaries.

I absolutely dread going to see her as I’m always on guard and it can be mentally draining.

I think my next step is to take her for a walk and put my foot down because we are about to move into a new house and I don’t want her and her bad aura around me everyday I don’t think I could cope.

Firstly do you guys think that is a good idea , the walk that is ?

And do you also think I’m in the wrong , or the things that are happening are normal mother in law behavior ?

Thanks

Lucy

[Everywherethatmarywent]

Your going to be told your issue is with him and not her but it’s actually with both of them.

He has had years of her behaving like this so it’s totally normal for and her he probably a bit scared of her.

He is your child and if she is pissing you off - say something because your partner won’t. Been there got the t-shirt ( and battle scars)

[Lucylu92]

Hi @Everywherethatmarywent thanks for replying ,

I did say something and now I’m the bad person , your right though

Thank you

[biscuit13]

@Lucylu92 your partner should be talking to her but if he won't I think you're doing the right thing doing it yourself. He is your first son and all of those things are your job, not hers.
Im scared im going to be in the same position.... our first baby is due in 4 weeks and my MIL said the other day "you know its not just your baby, its all of our baby"... luckily my husband jumped straight in and said "no, it IS our baby". But I already know where her mindset is. Hopefully my husband will manage her for us.

[Lucylu92]

Hi @biscuit13
Thanks for your reply , it’s really nice to actually talk to people about this so thanks I appreciate it,
And I agree I feel like it’s my partners place to talk to his mother but I just think he can not deal with her behavior anymore , which I understand but I also still feel this way and it isn’t fair , I think I’m going to be strong and just confront her because your right it’s my job I’m his mother not her , and I hope and pray you don’t have this issue, just be strong and don’t explode in anger because she will play the victim card and then your the bad one ( when your not ) xx

[Lucylu92]

@biscuit13

Oh and congratulations

[wewillmeetagain]

I get what your saying I really do, however you also come across as a bit controlling! I would say pick your battles, is it really worth getting annoyed because your dc grandmother wants to buy him a few toys or some new clothes?

[RobertaTheGreat]

No this is not normal MIL behaviour. You are doing the right thing by establishing clear boundaries. She needs to back off, and your DH needs to back you up. There are so many of these threads, what is it with Mils these days?! I'm a MIL but wouldn't dream of interfering or making demands on my DD and her husband.

[Lucylu92]

@wewillmeetagain

Hi

No I ain’t controlling , it may look like that for you because I haven’t gone into full detail.
The behavior from her is making me feel like this and I’m never horrible to her .

And in some context I do have every right to be in full control I carried him for 9 months I gave birth to him and I feed him bathe him and keep him happy , but I’m a loving person and don’t deserve to feel this way about my son.

[Lucylu92]

@RobertaTheGreat

Hi

Thank you ,
I don’t come on here to say bad things about her , because she’s the grandmother to my son but I just wanted to see if it was normal behavior and Am I doing the right thing , so many thanks I’m going in for the talk and fingers crossed she sticks to the boundaries

[juliaandrews8690]

@Lucylu92
Firstly, there is no such thing as "normal" behaviour when it comes to MIL, everybody is different.

From what i have read it sounds like I used to be in a similar situation, My DH's mother sounds very similar to your MIL, she was always suggesting things i should do and buying our daughter presents that we said she didn't need, she always had to give her opinion on literally ANYTHING (those are just a few examples) and it used to really irritate me. I used to see it as controlling and i hated going round there. I spoke to my DP about it many times and he did listen to me and agreed with my points but he didn't like talking about it because he felt like he was talking about his mother behind her back (he is very family orientated and very loyal). At first i used to think he wasn't listening to me or he just didn't want to back me up over his mother. I tried not to fall out with him over it or take it out on him as i knew it wasn't his fault and it must have been a really awkward position for him to be in, god knows, if it was the other way round im not sure how i would take it. But once or twice i did argue with him about it, usually he doesn't like to argue with me so he wouldn't give much back, he said he understood my points and agreed but his mother was not going to change even if he was to speak with her. Anyways i felt like you i wanted to say something, so i told him i wanted to speak with her about it, he said as long as i spoke calmly with her he didn't have a problem with it, which of course i would anyways, she is still his mother and i will always respect that. So they day before i was going to talk to her we were at his brothers house for a BBQ and i had nipped to the loo, when i was inside i had overheard DP and his brother speaking in his brothers bedroom (they didn't hear me come up the stairs so had no idea anybody was on the loo). He was telling DP how he went to his mothers last week and she had broke down in tears saying DP had told her so stop buying stuff that we had told her not too (he didn't tell me he spoke to her so i had no idea) so his brother asked her why she was crying its not a big deal, turns out it was a big deal to her. Her father left when she was young and her buying gifts for her grandchildren was one of her ways to show how much she loved them. She thought if she couldn't buy them things they wouldn't want to come and see her. That sounds stupid i know but, i i think she had a few other issues. This kind of broke my heart a little when i realised how much she loves our daughter, after this i decided not to speak with her because what i used to once see as interfering i now see as her way of caring. Now years later she hasn't changed but when she says annoying things i just ignore it and honestly it doesn't get to me anymore we get on well. She has always been a caring grandma for our daughter no matter what her faults so i just remember that. And me and DP get on much better after i stopped taking it out on him, i dont know the full extent of your situation but if its in any way similar to mine then my advice is you never really know why somebody is the way they are, maby you MIL could have had some experience in life that made her the way she is.

Im not saying do what i did, if you really feel you need to talk to her then do it but i would speak with your DP first and tell him and if you do talk to her be gentle, just express how she comes across to you, if she is a nice person and not doing these things on purpose just try to remember that if you talk to her.

P.S. You said that you said something and your the bad person, what do you mean by that ? did you speak to her or your DP ?