Dealing with relatives around labour/birth

[TryingToStayRational]

This sounds harsh and ungrateful I know, but I’ll try to get straight to the point. I have a well-meaning but irrational mother who I have a complicated relationship with, who lives a few hours away from me. She will be desperate to see her first (and probably only) grandchild as soon as possible after birth, and with a few weeks left til my due date I am already feeling quite stressed about having to deal with her arriving when I will probably be in quite a vulnerable and knackered state. And also about her being on “labour watch” and bugging me incessantly as I approach (and maybe pass) my due date. She typically messages me 10 or more times a day (some days a LOT more) and calls frequently too, so it is unusual for her not to have some contact with me each day. Has anyone been in a similar situation and got any tips on how to manage it?

I’m thinking of going off all social media and messaging platforms at 38/39 weeks on the premise of chilling out and practicing my hypnobirthing etc and telling her that my partner will let her and other close family know when the baby is here.

Fortunately our house is tiny so she won’t be able to stay with us. I know I sound so mean but I just want to get myself together before she descends on us. She’s neurotic and thinks she knows best about everything, especially babies (she’s obsessed and I mean truly obsessed with all babies!), so is likely to be very interfering and overbearing. I know I’m probably overthinking it and need to chill the heck out, but any pointers on useful tactics would be great.

[GreenTulips]

Stop answering the text messages now, reply only when you can and not immediately. You don't have to answer the phone - nothing worse that people ringing when the kids are asleep!! Get her used to it. Tell her you'll text or call of tjeres any news.

Let her know anytime your ready

Get DP/H on board with 'thanks for the advice I'm sure well work things out' 'yes but things have changed in the last 20 years'

Take yourself off upstairs if it's too much to feed the baby - every time so you get a break

Good luck

[Lilbear14]

Be firm but fair would be my advice.
Make a compromise so she doesn't feel like she is getting pushed out.
Maybe say something like "You will be the first to know when baby is born and you can come and see us...(when you want visitors)"

Also, not sure if this would work. But explain that you and your OH would like some time alone together in the weeks prior to the baby coming. As you know that this will rare afterwards.

And the end of it, this new baby is your baby, you will be exhausted. You will want space too. And even as your mother she will have to respect that.
My mum will be my birthing partner along with my OH, she has been for my other two children and I will be reasurring his parents that they will be the first to know and the first to be able to visit. If that isn't enough for them then it's tough.

[Chester1980]

Ah!! I could have written that myself. A complicated relationship and my mother is the same and it’s stressing me out. Again, her only grandchild. Week 38 (+3) and the constant calls and messages. If I don’t answer she keeps calling (even though she knows her first call will show up as a missed call). When I don’t answer I get voicemails with digs for not answering. This leaves me in a circle of not answering on purpose to try and avoid the stressful conversations.

If I’m in labour and trying to relax in the days after the baby is here, I don’t want all these missed calls and messages every 5 minutes and negative comments for not answering.

She will expect to stay with us even though we live in a small flat as she won’t pay out for a hotel. On top of that she expects to be waited on hand and foot.

In the week before our wedding, even though we gave a date we wanted people to come, she ignored that and booked train tickets without asking to come before saying she’d be no trouble....then immediately started requested being taxied around. And it all becomes about her.

Sorry I don’t have advice as I am struggling to deal with it myself and go along the line of denial and trying to ignore it. If I say I want space or I’m trying to relax,
I get the manipulation that she’s just excited about her first grandchild and I feel guilty. Nothing changes in her behaviour though.

Just wanted you to know, I know how it feels!

[TryingToStayRational]

Thanks @GreenTulips and @Lilbear14 - some good ideas there, will def try to be less responsive to her in the run up and get my DP practicing his lines!

@Chester1980 - So sorry you’re in a similar situation. It’s absolutely infuriating that at a time when you should be chilling out as much as possible and hopefully getting excited there is this stress. And I totally get what you mean about it all being about her - that is precisely the summary of my mother too! I hope all goes wonderfully for your birth and you manage to get some peaceful time with your baby before she invades, and that she miraculously develops some normal social boundaries too! Most people I know in RL just don’t have these issues with their mothers and don’t get it at all when I try to explain - they are all like “oh once you’ve had the baby you’ll really want your mother” or “I don’t know how I’d have coped without my mother”, which just makes me feel worse! Fortunately I have a sister who totally gets it and reassures me that I’m not going mad and our mother is incredibly hard work to put it mildly.

[icouldwriteabook]

i could've wrote this!

Please look at my thread a couple of weeks ago- more about me worrying about her turning up whilst im giving birth but I agree with the added stress of when babys here!

im 31 weeks and should be so excited but im so stressed and think im over analyzing how bad she'll be (or hoping)

im quite confident in speaking for what I want but even with her I don't have the confidence, my only advice is to stand your ground. ignore the calls if you need to, don't text back for a few hours and say youre busy. when it nears the end just reply saying 'still no baby, you will be first to hear but until then please stop asking- I need to stay calm and relaxed' even if she wont be first to know- just appease her!

how long have you got? good luck

[TheArtfulScreamer]

I'm only 19 weeks but I plan on telling my DM and MIL that anyone who hassles me in March asking if I've gone into labour is on a visiting ban and won't be allowed near for a week. They are used to me being quite blunt and meaning what I say so I'm hoping they take heed.