Feeling alone

[PandaPop90]

Hello mumsnetters,

It’s my first time posting, I’m hoping you lovely people might be able to help me :)

I’m 27 and currently 15 weeks pregnant with my first child, and I’m really struggling. I feel so lost and alone.

I’ll try and keep the background story brief but essentially, I’m currently on my own all week because my husband works away during the week and I only see him at weekends. We currently live with my in-laws (weird situation that I won’t get into now as it’s a whole different kettle of fish) but I hardly see them as we’ve essentially split the house in two. We moved back in with my in laws as we own the house and my husband got a new job that’s closer to this house so it made more sense financially to move back here, rather than stay where we were. I started a new job in November and while I normally like my work and the people are nice, the few friends I’ve made are 40 minutes away from where I live. I live 350 miles away from my family and other friends, so it’s a 6 hour drive to go and see them which means I haven’t seen them since November when we moved.

I feel so isolated and often feel like I can’t cope. So far I’m hating pregnancy and then hating myself for hating it, when I know there are so many people out there who would love to have a baby. But I can’t help it - I just feel so alone. I’ve spent quite a lot of the last few weeks just crying and feeling unable to cope and worrying endlessly about whether I’ll be a good mother and how we’ll cope financially and how this will change my relationship with my husband (essentially, anything you can think of to worry about, no matter how small, I’m worrying about it already). It’s getting to the point where I don’t want to get up in the mornings and I don’t want to go to work. When I get back from work I just stare at the tv for an hour or so, wishing the time away until I can go to bed and forget about everything for a while. Whenever I try to motivate myself to do some writing (which I normally love) or general housework or baking or play a game or go for a walk or anything to distract myself/cheer myself up, I just can’t summon the energy to do it - it’s like I’ve just lost interest in everything. I don’t have any motivation to anything, which makes me feels worse.

I have told my husband whenever I’ve started crying or getting upset and he’s been really understanding and comforting, but I don’t want to keep telling him every day how awful I feel because I don’t want him to feel bad about leaving me, or feel hurt. He’s already suggested leaving his job and getting another one closer to home but I don’t want him to do that - this is the first job he’s had in a long time that he actually enjoys and after seeing him go through hell in his last job, I refuse to be the reason why he gives this one up. I’ve also told a few close friends how I’ve been feeling and while they’ve been so supportive, it doesn’t seem to help because the next day I’ll be back to feeling how I was before. The loneliness at being apart from everyone I love is really starting to get to me.

I do suffer from general/social anxiety, but I can no longer tell if all my feelings are related to my anxiety, or if it’s hormonal and it will settle down in a few weeks. I’m worried in case my anxiety is turning into depression (and in turn, means I’ll have post natal depression, which is another thing I worry about).

I have my 16 week midwife appointment next week and I don’t know whether to tell her everything? I can’t keep feeling like this, it’s really wearing me down. My sister came to visit me for the easter weekend and it was so lovely to see her, but I cried as soon as she left and haven’t really been able to stop since.

Please tell me it gets better. I’m hoping one day I’ll wake up and I’ll be super excited about having a baby and I’ll find the strength to go on, but right now I just feel so alone. I do have moments when I feel excited and I can’t wait to be a mum, but then the feeling passes and I’m back to square one. Everyone else around me is so excited for us, but I just can’t share in their joy at the moment.

Sorry for the long post. Has anyone else ever felt like this in their first pregnancy? If so, how did you deal with it? Is it fairly normal, or should I speak to my midwife about everything?

Any advice would be gratefully received! Xx

[Bluebirdsky]

So sorry you are having such a hard time @PandaPop90 I would definitely discuss it with your midwife at your 16 week appointment and let her know how you are feeling; it is quite common to get a bit of antenatal depression in pregnancy and whilst I am no means saying that is what you have if you talk to your midwife she maybe be able to help if it is the case and/or keep an eye out for it.
Are their any clubs you could join locally for pregnant women? I joined pregnancy yoga in my local area and it was really good to meet other local women who are pregnant; if you don't fancy yoga then maybe aquanatal or just see if there are any coffee morning etc. For expectant Mums.
Also have you joined the group on here for people due in the same month as you? Another good way to get chatting to other people who are going through the same as you at the same time as you.

[PandaPop90]

Thank you @bluebirdsky

I definitely think it would help to talk about it - I think as well I'm struggling because I tend to overthink things anyway so there's a part of me that wonders if all this is just in my head, even though I know it's not normal to feel this way.

I had a look a few weeks ago for pregnancy yoga classes (and even just book clubs, evening classes etc) when I wasn't feeling quite so bad but we live in a quite a rural area, and the only classes seemed to be in the city which is a 40 minute drive away. I will keep looking though - I just feel like lately I've lost the energy or motivation to even do that, which is bad of me.

I haven't joined any groups on here yet, but that's a good plan, I will have a look at them tonight xx

[Mooana]

So sorry you're feeling so awful OP. The loneliness of living a long way from friends and family is so tough. My closest family or close friend is 2.5 hours away, so I get that.
Is it worth checking out any groups near you? Weirdly it's so much easier to socialise once you have a baby isn't it!
I tried pregnancy yoga and also went along to meet a couple of the local breastfeeding groups before I had my baby. I also know the local NCT groups are for bumps and beyond. Another thing that Really helped me on the loneliness front was doing an NCT antenatal course. I didn't find the info very helpful (I also have a big anxiety problem and the thought of birth was a real issue for me) but it did give me a ready made collection of people having a baby the same age as mine. We're not super close, but I still meet up with them almost two years down the line and they were my absolute lifeline in the early weeks and months.

All this is totally personal I me, and I know everyone's different, but having prenatal depression doesn't mean you will necessarily have post natal too. I had severe prenatal depression and anxiety and ended up with a specialist mental health midwife and a consultant for the duration of my pregnancy. They kept going on about my post natal depression and even kept panicking me about having postpartum psychosis. They brought in my husband to teach him the signs etc. I was, obviously, terrified!
However, it never ever happened. I was on cloud 9 from the moment she arrived. Even though I ended up in hospital for a week and consequently went cold turkey off my anxiety medication! I ended up back on my general anxiety medication by the time she was a year old, but despite being an utter mess throughout pregnancy it didn't follow into the post partum period. It's so important to be aware of what the post natal warning signs are, but don't let anyone scare you into thinking that prenatal depression means you'll struggle with everything to do with pregnancy and motherhood.

I agree you need to confide in your midwife (although mine was initially unhelpful in that department and I eventually went through my GP to get my diagnosis and referral.) prenatal depression is very common, but still taboo, and there is a ton of support out there. But you have got to reach out and ask for it if you can.

Get as much support as you can and good luck from all of us!

[Bluebirdsky]

That's a shame about the local classes but joining a group on here is a good place to start. If you go into the topic 'becoming a parent' and then 'antenatal clubs' you will find most of the groups by month that your baby is due.
When you see the midwife next week ask her if she knows of any groups local to you that you might be able to join. I would definitely recommend looking at doing NCT classes or if your hospital provide them their own parent craft classes as that is another great way to meet other Mums in your area; if you sign up for NCT classes in advance you can pay them off in instalments too, which I found helpful.
I find it really hard to motivate myself to go to my yoga class after working all day, I am so tired! Some weeks I make it, some weeks I don't I just manage it when I can.

[Honey456]

Sorry you’re feeling this way.

How do you get on with the in laws? Do you cook together? Could you make an effort to spend more evenings with them (would you want to?)

I can relate to the lonliness as my husband can be away for work sometimes too. I find it helps to message my friends FaceTime ect. Even if I can’t meet up and see them. We’ve signed up for NCT so hope to meet some local mothers to be.

How do you get on with you colleagues? Could you organise after work dinners etc.? Or go do some swimming if you have a local pool. Sometimes being active really helps.

Definitely tell your midwife about this- she will ask you about your mental health anyway as that’s what they’re there for!

[LaurG]

First of all your feelings are normal. I suffer from anxiety too and the first trimester was really hard. I can off my meds right st the start and it was really difficulty the hormones are already all over the place and this is hard enough normally never mind if you have an existing issue. I arranged to see a councillor which really helped. However, it was expensive. The hormones also settled in the second trimester (I’m now 26 weeks).

Other posters have mentioned talking to you midwife and g.p. I would do this as they will be able to help. Its important that you get help now. Pregnancy is a long road and emotional.

It’s great that your husband is so understanding. I’m sure the two of you will be able to work together to find ways to cope.

Mumsnet is really good too. You can be open on here and admit your feelings (which is always the first step).

Good luck💖



I think you need

[PandaPop90]

Thank you all so much for your messages - I'm about to reply to them now, but just wanted to say that although it always makes me sad to read about other people going through anxiety/depression (because I wouldn't wish any mental illness on anyone) it's also very comforting to hear from other people who have been through similar things - it does make me feel like that perhaps this pregnancy isn't the end of the world and I will find ways to cope.

[PandaPop90]

@Mooana it sucks doesn't it to live so far away!

Sorry if I'm being really ignorant, but whats NCT :)? It sounds like a good idea - I like the idea of going to antenatal classes (even if my social anxiety goes haywire at the thought of it!). I don't know why, but I'm super anxious about meeting other mothers or mothers-to-be - I've always thought that mothers have access to some kind of secret knowledge that means that they know exactly what they're doing all the time, and they'll judge me for not having a clue. I know that sounds weird and irrational - my mum told me as soon as I told her that I was pregnant that no one is born with the word 'mum' on their forehead - it's a learning curve for everyone.

Thank you for sharing your story with us - it does make me feel a lot better (although I would be terrified too if someone kept mentioned postpartum psychosis - like you need any more reasons to worry!)

@Bluebirdsky thanks for the tip! I'll have a look at the antenatal clubs this afternoon. This is probably a stupid question, but do you get given details of antenatal classes etc automatically, or do you have to ask for them? I don't know why, but I thought when you got pregnant, you'd be given loads of information b your midwife/GP and they'd let you know what was going on throughout your pregnancy - but so far I feel like I'm expected to find out everything by myself and book all my own appointments etc, which is fine, but a bit of a shock lol. Guess I'm just gonna have to get used to being super organised ;)

[PandaPop90]

@Honey456 my relationship with my in laws is a bit complicated - they are nice people, but there's a lot of history there which makes it difficult for me to want to spend a lot of time with them (I'm probably shooting myself in the foot, I know). When we first moved back here, they did make more of an effort and invited me out for meals a couple of times and once into their part of the house for supper, but that seems to have died off - when we originally lived with them a few years ago, they left me alone as well, and I ended up feeling like I am now. So before we moved back here in November, my husband told them how I felt last time and they apologised, and said it was never their intention to make me feel left out or alone. There is a part of me that knows I should just swallow my pride and ask to hang out with them, but I'm finding it very difficult! (plus, it always reminds me how far away I live from my own family, which makes me feel worse)

Facetime can definitely be a lifesaver - when I first moved back here last year I facetimed my friends and family and although it made me sad that I couldn't see them, I always felt better for talking to them. Since falling pregnant however, I find it more difficult to facetime because quite often I just end up in tears after I hang up. I blame the pregnancy hormones for that one.

I know I should make more of an effort with my work colleagues - I have suggested hanging outside of work once or twice but it never came to anything. Again, before I knew I was pregnant, it didn't bother me and I'd just ask again, but these past few months I've just lost interest in everything. Like the idea of being active though - there's a pool/gym just down the road so I'll look into that.

Sorry - feel like this whole post sounds whiny and full of self pity. I absolutely understand what you're saying and a few months ago I would be doing everything you suggested, but lately I just don't seem to have the will or motivation, so it becomes a bit of a vicious cycle. I'm definitely going to have a word with my midwife next week though!

[PandaPop90]

@LaurG I'm sorry that you also suffer from anxiety as well, but it gives me hope that you did start to feel better later on in your pregnancy. If you don't mind me asking, did you eventually start to feel excited about having your baby? It really worries me that I'm not excited at all and it makes me wonder if I'm going to be a bad mum - I've never had a particularly strong maternal instinct anyway, so this doesn't do anything to help.

I will definitely mention all this to my midwife - and if I feel as bad as I did yesterday again, I might just make a GP appointment this week to talk about it as well.

I genuinely feel like my husband and mumsnet have been my lifesaver so far - even though I haven't posted before now, I've enjoyed reading through other threads (LOVING the scary stories threads, even if it means I'm too scared to sleep at night haha) and finding reassurance from other people who are going through similar things.

Hope the rest of you pregnancy goes well :) xx

[LaurG]

@PandaPop90

For me the worry manifested itself in an odd way. I can honestly say I've not been worried about the baby, the birth or it's or loving it. For me the main focus of my worry has been money and the fear of being at home alone with a baby all day and having PND! This pretty much overwhelmed me to the point of not sleeping for the first 10 weeks or so. I had major freak outs. I think this was all compounded by not being supposed to tell anyone you are pregnant and feeling sick all the time. Things got better after the first scan. I was seeing a therapist and the hormones started to settle a bit. I also saw things a bit differently.

I really have a big fear of loneliness and literally hate being by myself for more than a day. I live in London and although I have friends none have kids. So I will really have to get out there and make an effort to make new pals. This is a bit scary, as like you I have a touch of social anxiety. What I will say is that babies make talking to people much easier as you instantly have something to talk about. Counselling has helped me with this. Ive been to pregnancy yoga and met other mums which is good.

However, I still have major anxiety over money tbh. I only get statutory leave so we are having to say like hell to afford time off. What worries me is that the saving we are doing now is actually less that what we will have to pay out in childcare every week when the baby comes. I literally don't know how we can afford it. I've been catstrophising a lot about this. Seeing us loosing our home. Forced to leave the area we love... broke..marraige under strain etc. Its really difficult to reign it in. Ive been working on this at therapy.

What helped was recognising what was a genuine concern and what was anxiety. My husband's response to my money worries was always to say "It will be fine". However, I did a spreadsheet with all our outgoings on it that clearly showed that money is an issue and that we need to think about it. We then started to cancel stuff we didn't need, shop in Aldi and try to get some control over the situation. This made me feel better. I

I won't lie and say Im not anxious anymore but I am able to focus less on the negative.

PM me any time you need to chat xx

[PandaPop90]

@LaurG you've literally just described how I've been feeling for the past 3 months! I do feel a bit better now that I've had my first scan and I can finally tell people, but the loneliness and worry still haven't gone.

I'm only going to qualify for statutory pay/leave as well - I miss out on my work's OMP by about a month, which was a huge blow. I think tbh, that was the catalyst that has sent me down this road of despair. I'm really worried about how we will afford everything and, like you, I tend to see the worst scenario. Add to that all the loneliness I've been feeling and I think this is how I've wound up feeling so desperate.

I'm so glad that you are starting to feel a bit better about it though - me and husband were in a lot of debt this time last year but we did the same as you - made a spreadsheet, cut back, started shopping at aldi/lidl, kept cash in jars to use as our budget so we never used our bank cards, and it did make a huge difference, so it can be done! It's not the most useful advice, but one of my friends said to me recently that you'll find a way to cope (money wise) because you have to, and it'll all work out in the end. It was sweet, but not exactly helpful lol.

Counselling sounds like it's been very beneficial for you - I had an absolute breakdown at work a few weeks ago and my manager (who was lovely about it) suggested I try counselling, so I think I might look into that tomorrow when I go back to work as well.

Thank you! Same to you xx