I am 29 weeks pregnant with first, very very much wanted baby conceived via IVF after unexplained infertility.
For the first few months, I was anxious (particularly around the scan dates) but managed to keep it under control mostly. However, over time it has spiralled completely out of my control to the point that I am struggling with OCD behaviours and terrible anxiety every day that I have done something to harm my precious baby.
My main fear is toxoplasmosis and the fear that I have unwittingly caused serious harm. I actually had a toxoplasmosis test just after Christmas after working myself into a panic over being in France at the very start of my pregnancy and potentially being exposed to something there. I am still waiting for the results of this but since then a couple of other things have happened to make me fear infection - including dropping my keys into a patch of potting soil which had fallen from a pot outside my house, and then realising I had a small cut on my finger which made me terrified I could have caught it this way.
Last night, my husband cooked dinner for us and though he washed some celery, he then chopped it on the same chopping board he had put it, unwashed, first. He said it would be fine as they were being cooked but when we came to eat, it was still quite firm inside. It definitely wasn't as crunchy as if it was raw, but not cooked all the way through. I am so anxious thinking there could have been something in there which wasn't killed by the cooking.
I am struggling to eat generally as I feel very worried about contamination of my food and whether it is 'safe'. I do most of the cooking at home as my husband works long hours and it makes me incredibly anxious every day about touching the vegetables/meat etc. We also have a pet cat and when I am at home I just feel as though every surface in my house is a potential source of infection, including plates, bowls, cutlery etc. I don't feel relaxed when I am there anymore.
I certainly can't eat anything I have touched with my hands even if I've just washed them as I feel I don't know what could be on them. I look back to the earlier months of my pregnancy and almost feel like they happened to a different person, I ate lots of (washed) raw vegetables and fruit then and wasn't bothered about eating crisps etc which had touched my hand. Now I feel like each of these instances was a risk to my baby and I feel awful.
My GP and midwife have recommended taking antidepressants but I know there are risks to these which they haven't discussed with me (I just got told not to read the side effects leaflet in the box) and I know I would feel really anxious about this too. I have been going to CBT but to be honest I don't feel like it is helping much, the therapist doesn't really know much about pregnancy OCD/anxiety.
If anyone has made it to the end of this essay, I suppose what I'm asking is if anyone else felt this way during pregnancy and what did they do? I hate the idea of this anxiety affecting my baby and I want to be able to look forward to the future and his arrival with the joy he deserves instead of this overwhelming fear and anxiety all the time.
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Pregnancy
Anxiety is getting overwhelming
Losgann · 10/01/2018 12:16
Hello. I felt this way (although with a different focus for my anxiety) from the time my children were born until they were about a year old.
I was extremely concerned about dirt and germs, washing my clothes and baby's clothes when they weren't dirty, washing my hands so many times I developed contact eczema and cleaning certain parts of the house in an obsessive way.
The only two things that helped me were:
- Realising that my anxiety was hormonal, it was there for a "reason" - to make me protective of my baby.
The hormones and the anxiety faded away each time as my babies grew older. Maybe think of this as a way of framing your feelings? That they are over the top, but that they are real and valid and will fade with time as your baby grows up.
- Having my lovely Mummy validate my anxiety. I had a massive meltdown when ds2 was about 8 weeks old. What I needed right then was for someone to tell me that all the mad cleaning I was doing was indeed mad, but that if I wanted to do it, and if it made me feel better, I should go ahead. My mum was the first to realise this, she came and sat with the baby for me a couple of times while I cleaned and sorted stuff out. I felt invigorated and much happier after each of these sessions (probably partly the exercise!) and it allowed me to get through that difficult time.
Have you talked to your husband? My OH needed to be sat down and told that his being exasperated at me and being dismissive of my feelings was causing my anxiety to flare up. It was very hard for him, but he learned to support me through what I needed.
I'm fine now, really fine! I'd never had any mental health issues before this so it really worried me, but talking to other mums and to my HV helped me to realise that it's a very common thing
Hi OP it sounds like your driving yourself mad.
Im pregnant with my IVF baby after years of trying. I was very anxious in the first few months but then i relaxed a little.
I rememer someone saying to me "worrying doesnt take the troubles out of tomorrow, only the joy out of today"
And it couldn't be any more true. Worrying will not change the outcome..worry as much as you like, its not going to change anything, it will just spoil your pregnancy and u will regret it.
Relax your baby is no doubt doing fine 
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