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Pregnancy

How can I tell my friend?

20 replies

TeaAndToast85 · 21/09/2017 17:15

My dear friend and her DH have been trying to have a baby for a few years now. She has suffered four miscarriages - 3 in the first trimester and 1 in the second - and they are now considering IVF as they are now struggling to conceive at all. My heart breaks for her because I know how badly they have always wanted children.

I am now 8 weeks pregnant, and unsure about how to broach the subject. I think I will wait until I am well into my second trimester to tell her. The problem is she lives really quite far away (6-8 hours on the train), so it's unlikely I will be able to talk to her face to face, as we are both so busy with work etc. I will probably be seeing her around Christmas, but I can't leave it that long because I would then be confronting her with a bump, and that would probably really upset her.

Any ideas would be appreciated, particularly on how you would phrase it/approach the situation.

OP posts:

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SageYourResoluteOracle · 21/09/2017 17:20

I couldn't conceive (I now have a daughter). I would advise that you tell her way before the second trimester- gives her a chance to get used to things and that you tell her via an email. Personally, I didn't cope well (still don't actually as there will be no more babies for me) with a phone call or- even worse- being told face to face as I felt I had to hide my feelings and be all happy (and it really wasn't as id I wasn't happy - just that the emotions are very mixed) whilst a little piece of me died.

So, tell early and not face to face. Make it clear that you would love to see her or chat on the phone but that you appreciate that the news might be difficult and that that's why you've told her before you've announced your news and also not told her face to face.

And massive congratulations by the way! You sound like a very caring friend.

Graphista · 21/09/2017 17:24

Congratulations you sound lovely and thoughtful.

I agree don't leave it too late and tell her on the phone so she doesn't have to worry about you seeing heartbreak in her face.

I lost 3 before dd. Have been in your situation too.

orangeowls · 21/09/2017 17:50

I would tell her sooner rather than later. I have had a miscarriage and have also been pregnant whilst my friend has had a miscarriage.

I would tell her by text rather than in person or on the phone. It sounds really harsh but it gives her chance to react to the news without having to put on a brave face. Don't feel upset if she doesn't able to talk about it for a while.

orangeowls · 21/09/2017 17:50

Ps congratulations

CL1982 · 21/09/2017 18:01

Hey-having been on the receiving end of this very horrible issue personally I liked to get a text. Face to face was the absolute worst. You had nowhere to hide and cry :(

It's a shitty situation - maybe let your friend know you're 100% here for her and you'll give her space then send texts to see how she does every few weeks and let her come to you when/if she wants to talk? It won't be your fault at all obviously but she might just want/need some time around people who aren't pregnant....

Much love.

JennyBlueWren · 21/09/2017 18:21

Last pregnancy me and my friend were in a similar position. I told her face to face when it was just the two of us at about 10 weeks so that it was before a general announcement. She took it well although it turned out she'd avoided a bbq we held in the summer as she'd thought we'd be making an announcement and she'd just miscarried and couldn't handle it.

Thankfully she got pregnant just after my son was born and had a successful pregnancy :)

Twelvty · 21/09/2017 18:32

Firstly, congratulations, I hope all goes well for you.

I've suffered a late loss and early miscarriages. If possible, like the other posters, I'd say try to text or message her individually, and certainly before any Facebook or similar style group announcement. In writing is easier to deal with, rather than in person or the phone, she can process and deal with her emotions before responding. I also wouldn't leave it late to tell her, time helps.

You are a very caring friend to think about your friend like this, and I'm sure your kindness will be reflected in your words and she will appreciate your love and care.

Topsyloulou · 21/09/2017 18:34

When friends told me they were pregnant after I'd suffered miscarriages the most sensitive and thoughtful were the ones who told me by text or email. One friend was considerate enough to hand write me a beautiful card to tell me.

The worst experiences were the friend who took me out for dinner & told me she was pregnant 3 days after I'd told her about my miscarriage. She didn't need to tell me then as she wasn't even 12 weeks, I don't know I got through that dinner. I had another friend who sent her scan picture round our friendship group by email. However she forgot to include DP, myself & another friend from her original email so just forwarded it. Opening that at work was heartbreaking.

I would send her a text at a time you know she'll be at home with her DP, acknowledge that you know it will be hard for her to hear & that you understand she might need a while to reply to her.

My DSil had her 3rd miscarriage when DS was just 4 weeks old. I text her & told her that I knew it would take some time to be comfortable seeing us & DS but we loved her & here for her whenever she needed us. It didn't matter if it took 4 weeks or 4 months to feel ready to see us & she told me afterwards she really appreciated it.

You sound like a lovely considerate friend.

Papillion86 · 21/09/2017 20:25

Hope you don't mind me jumping in. I too am 10 weeks pregnant and wanting to tell a friend who has struggled for years and now going through IVF which isn't working. I was going to text her after my 12 week scan but I just don't know what to say? Anything I think of just sounds insensitive but I want her to know I'm thinking about her and how unfair it is that it isn't happening to her. Any words of wisdom? Xx

CL1982 · 21/09/2017 21:57

@Papillion86 Maybe just 'I wanted to tell you by txt so you have space-I'm pregnant. 12 weeks. I understand if you need space, I'm here for you and I love you'????

SageYourResoluteOracle · 22/09/2017 07:17

@Topsyloulou I can't believe you were taken out for dinner to be told! How in the heck anyone would think that that was a good idea I don't know!!

My worst was when my own sister announced to me in a very smug way just after I'd arrived to stay with her for two nights. I had my DD by then but this was to be my sister's second. She's younger than me so of course I felt I had to put on a brace face. I went to bed very early that night feigning a cold so that I could have a cry. It was then that my sister decided to phone our mum to tell her and through the thin ceiling I clearly heard her say, 'I'm pregnant! Whoops! Wonder how that happened.'
During that same visit she also did a whole load of boasting about how amazing she feels when pregnant, how easy she finds pregnancy, how she felt she'd be active all the way through with the second one & won't it be amazing for you to be an auntie again .. . on and on and fucking on. For context, my one and only pregnancy (which as I've said thankfully resulted in my beautiful daughter) was fraught: lost a twin, husband lost his job, baby didn't grow properly, got pre eclampsia, was in hospital for 6 weeks solid, DD in scbu. Yeah. I've not really managed to properly forgive my sister...

Anyway. Thread de-railment but you sound WAY more sensitive than my sister!!

Expectingbsbunumber2 · 22/09/2017 07:35

I think the sooner you tell her the better so it gives her time to get used to it. X

TeaAndToast85 · 22/09/2017 20:33

Thanks so much for the feedback everyone...I can now see that I was about to go about this in completely the wrong way! I had been thinking that I should do it face to face to show her that she was important to me rather than just firing off a text...but of course it would be better to put it in writing, so she can react in the way that she needs to. I think I will send her an email in the next couple of days. Thanks again everybody, good old MN. Xxx

OP posts:

TeaAndToast85 · 22/09/2017 20:34

@Topsyloulou Actually I like your friends idea of handwriting a card. As for your other friend...there are no words

OP posts:

Topsyloulou · 22/09/2017 21:47

The card was lovely, it felt so much more personal & caring & allowed her to put more emotion into it. I went to her baby shower & she was so sweet, asking if I was ok to be there & really appreciated me coming. It felt a bit like torture at the time but made meeting her baby so much easier.

Absolutely no words for my other friend. She knew it was my 2nd miscarriage too. Unsurprisingly I didn't tell her about my 3rd.

CoffeeAndCupcakes85 · 22/09/2017 21:58

Good luck OP. Definitely text/email and also say you understand if she needs some space. It's such a difficult, sensitive issue x

CL1982 · 23/09/2017 12:28

Best of luck OP. It's a horrible situation but sounds like you've got this -awesome friend badge awarded ❤️

This blog post is brilliant btw: www.xojane.com/issues/how-not-to-be-a-dick-to-your-infertile-friend

She puts a humorous spin on things :)

TeaAndToast85 · 23/09/2017 14:01

@CL1982 thanks for the link, it was really helpful x

OP posts:

Hazandduck · 23/09/2017 18:02

I was in a similar-ish situation, basically a close friend of mine is getting married in November. She has been one person who understood exactly how I felt because we miscarried one day apart last summer at exactly the same gestation (I know it's so odd!) I then had another miscarriage two and a half months later, she had another one a month after that. We have supported and understood each other so well; what made it extra hard was we had the same due date (a day apart) as a third close friend, so we watched her pregnancy progress and her have a lovely little boy when for us we had more loss.
So when I got pregnant a third time in February and this one progressed I didn't know how to tell her. I did not want it going through the grapevine especially because I had only told 1 or 2 people due to being so scared (I was about 23 weeks when I 'announced' it and only because my bump was so big and I was getting married so needed to put it out there before my hen do pictures outed me.)

Any who, I ended up telling my lovely friend face to face because, even worse, her wedding day is two weeks after my due date. She is having a small wedding and I felt so upset I wouldn't be able to go I just couldn't write her a text. I was shaking when I told her and said I still felt like it would all go wrong and we both cried and hugged, and sat talking openly for a few hours. I was about 16 weeks so not properly showing. I don't know if it was different because we'd been on this awful journey kind of together. But it was one of the hardest things I've ever done and I do sometimes wish I'd written it down, but then again being together to hug her felt right too. I wasn't happy telling her though. It was horrible. I hope however you tell your friend that you are both ok. It's a terrible situation x

CL1982 · 23/09/2017 20:03

No probs xx

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