35 weeks after 4 mc's - beginning to panic about something going wrong in labour.

[Lucinda15]

I have one DS (5yo) and started trying for #2 2.5 years ago. We then had 4 mc's, one very traumatic and I was admitted to hospital via a&e with huge blood loss (amongst other things but that's another story!)

Anyway. So after going to various clinics and having a stream of tests done, choosing a treatment plan etc, I'm now 35 weeks pregnant. I feel amazingly lucky to have got this far, and we are looking forward to meeting our DC2.

However, I've struggled to bond with this baby, I've had difficulties accepting things will work out, even now. I've been very guarded and protected myself from the diappointment of losing this child. It's got easier in recent weeks as I've bigger, felt baby grow and move, and have had to prepare for hospital/baby.

But I'm beginning to feel overwhelmed by negative feelings and worries. I'm scared that deep down this baby is 'not meant to be' and something awful will happen in labour. Either I will haemorrhage and die, or the baby, or both. Or something will cause the baby to suffer and be disabled in some way. I know these are all irrational thoughts but I can't seem to shake them. My labour with DS was not traumatic, just prolonged and I did end up haemorrhaging due to my episiotomy, but didn't need blood transfusion or anything. It was just unpleasant. I suppose with that and the miscarriage I have a couple of bad experiences of labour and blood loss and I'm nervous it will happen again, and the 'bad things' could happen in this labour.

I guess I'm just concerned and don't know how to manage these fears. I've been half wondering if they may allow me to request a c-section as I feel I want this labour to be controlled and managed with no surprises! But then I'm well aware c-sections being their own set of risks. So I don't really know what to do. I just feel anxiety rising as I approach due date. My local midwife dsnt see me anymore as I have gestational diabetes and see the consultant regularly now, which is good to monitored like that but at the same time I Dnt feel I can talk to her about my anxieties this way.

I'm not sure what advice I'm after, just need to get the thoughts out and see if anyone else has been in similar situation. Or if anyone has had c-section for similar reasons, and if there were benefits to it. I've never actually wanted a c-section before, I'd always been keen to deliver vaginally where possible. But something is making me think c-section could alleviate some of my worries this time.

[JOMH1982]

Hi Lucinda,

im not sure what advice I can give but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. We've chatted on other threads, and like you, I've had traumatic pregnancy loss experiences in the past and these have very much meant that I have not enjoyed my pregnancy and Have been living each week half expecting for history to repeat itself, which is very tough.

I'm under consultant led care and opted for a planned section at 15 weeks as I had an emergency section with my five year old, and after my "late miscarriage" and lengthy early losses, I just felt it would help to alleviate anxiety around the unknown, but it is still scary as there are of course risks. When is your next appointment, did they counsel you about choices earlier on in your care?

Have you spoken with your gp about how you're feeling? Have you received any counselling throughout the pregnancy? I saw a counselling psychologist for the most part of this pregnancy and he has recommended I get something in place for after delivery as he said that I am likely to be quite vulnerable when she arrives. Perhaps it might be helpful to get something in place or get some information about who you might be able to speak with to get some support.

I'm waffling here, but I didn't want you to feel like you're on your own, I think self preservation features in pregnancies after trauma and loss, but perhaps might be useful to contact your gp or see if you can speak with you midwife about how your feeling.

Wishing you all the best and pm me if you like x

[Lucinda15]

Hello again JOMH, thank you for your message. Good to hear from u and to know a friendly poster out there going through similar feelings.

To be honest I'm feeling quite confused and uncertain about what to do. But I feel my anxiety is getting harder to control as due date approaches.

I had counselling after mc3 which was incredibly helpful. Only 6 sessions on NHS but we both felt (counsellor and I) that I was doing ok and didn't need any further sessions. He did assure me though that if I got pregnant and felt i needed to come back, that I could call and they would 'fast track' me an appointment. For the most part of this pregnancy I've really had my head stuck firmly in the sand. Ive refused to accept it and tried to hide the growing bump as I couldn't bear the excited conversations when people found out. So I haven't contacted the counselling service again. As I'm getting more anxious about labour I think I've been stalling, I suppose, but perhaps I need to contact them. I have also wondered about what things will be like after baby has arrived. Had pnd after DS and I guess I need to be prepared for similar situations, especially considering rmc history.

no one has asked me about my birth choices. I do feel that the rmc's have been overlooked somewhat. I was under the miscarriage consultant initially, but his bedside manner was very poor and he was very clinical and didn't offer much in the way of asking how I felt about the pregnancy or labour etc. But then I was switched to the diabetes consultant once GD diagnosed, and while I'm being very well looked after and monitored, they are only concerned about the diabetes really.

I will contact gp and/or my local midwife to see if I can arrange a discussion about labour choices and preparations post birth. And I'll give my counsellor a call.

Thanks again for the reply. Really good to get some sympathetic advice from someone who understands.

I hope you are well and things are going smoothly? When are you due? Xx

[sycamore54321]

I'm sorry about your losses and I can understand your anxiety. What helped me was agreeing with my consultant that while an ELCS wasn't the best option for me (due to a blood clotting issue), that she would exercise a really low threshold for moving to c-section if there were any concerns at any time after I reached term or at any point during the labour. As it happened, I needed to be delivered at 37w0 and agreed to a trial of labour with a plan for a move to c-section if the slightest concern showed up. I had an epidural placed early in the induction both for pain relief but also to allow quicker c-section if required. Thankfully I had a textbook induction and delivery but the reassurance of this plan really helped me. Could you discuss similar with your medical team if you don't want to go directly to planned section? I think planned c-section is however a perfectly valid option for you and please choose it if you so prefer.

Best wishes.

[JOMH1982]

What you've described about hiding the bump is exactly how I felt, I was in denial for so long and it took me a while to embrace the growing bump as I was worried what people would think having lost little F 18 months ago, and just wanted to wish time away. I think this is normal to protect yourself but definitely worth seeking advice from the counsellor and gp/midwife so that you can feel a bit more in control. What I have struggled with is the lack of control you have in pregnancy and I felt better feeling like I had managed this.

Actually having my c section tomorrow, majorly nervous as well as excited, such a mixture of emotions.

I hope you get the support you need and wish you well with little one

Xx

[Lucinda15]

Thank you for the responses, I am definitely going to seek some advice and see what my options/choices are for the birth.

I don't have time to write much this eve but just wanted to wish you all the best for tomorrow jomh - will be thinking of you and so pleased you are finally going to meet ur baby. Lots of love xxx