not dtd

[brokenchair]

Is it normal? Me and partner done it twice since I got pregnant - not done it for 4 months - am nearly 7 months. We're older, me 43 he's 51 so maybe it's that too. Relationship a bit rocky so wondering if it's to do with pregnancy or symptom of bad relationship.

[Orangedaisy]

We did it three times in 9 months. DD2 now 3 days old so won't be any time soon for us!

[brokenchair]

Thanks for answering orange am feeling so down about the relationship. It's good to know that even when things are right did not top of the list.

[KittyWindbag]

When you say rocky relationship, how so? I would think this is the bigger problem than the no sex, the no sex is probably a result of the rocky relationship? I'm pregnant and we do it far less than we used to. My sex drive is up but getting into positions is hard work. But we kiss, cuddle and hold hands every day, and show our affection. Do you feel affectionate towards each other?

[NSEA]

We did it once in 9 months and then about 3 times in the year after. We are early 30s. Back to normal now though

[brokenchair]

kitty you're right the relationship is the bigger issue. We didn't 'plan' the baby as he puts it although I was openly hoping it happened. We're not living together and decided that we shouldn't do that yet just because of the baby. He's hoping we will eventually but I can't see it. We are affectionate but not lovey dovey and only see each other once a week. I know it's messed up. I don't want to not share all of having the baby with him but just can't see us spending the next 40 years together. We're not each others sole mates.

[PollytheDolly]

Good grief, what a strange set up.

Not quite sure how to advise. Your relationship seems fragmented at best and sex is only a part of what needs fixing, if it can be.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

Would you consider counselling to try and move the relationship on? You have difficult times ahead with not much of a foundation to build on.
I agree that lack of sex is not unusual in pregnancy and that's not really the problem here.

[brokenchair]

I have thought about counselling. I weirdly think we'll do the difficult things ahead really well together. He's so supportive and wants to make it work. I can't see it long term and feel like such a barrier and scared I'll drift into it all because of what's happening. He's not an easy person. He's a bit self interested and earns very little money and seems to lack the self esteem to change things.

[KittyWindbag]

I think your situation is very unusual so it is hard to advise.

To me it seems that the dwindling sex is the lesser of a few more imminent problems here.

The fact is when you have a baby with someone it's usual to want to live with them because it's quite hard to share your whole experience of the pregnancy if you're only seeing each other once a week.

You say you were hoping to get pregnant, did you feel it was a stable relationship at the time?

I caution that if he seems self interested now, he's going to seem a lot worse when you're resenting him at 4 in the morning for the twentieth consecutively night without sleep because he's not here to share the burden with you. What set Up are you planning for after the birth?

[brokenchair]

The relationship has never been stable. We were lonely. I know it's wrong but we are quite old and it was nice for both of us to not feel alone. Because of my age I decided I wouldn't mind if I got pregnant. He wants to be around as much as possible after the birth. He says I'll need his support. We've been ignoring the future while we get other things sorted. We talked a bit about it this weekend and its got me very down. I know its all messed up and I feel like an awful person and that I've already let my baby down.

[haveacupoftea]

Do you actually want to go out with him? If you don't then breaking up is the right thing to do for all of you.

[KittyWindbag]

Don't feel like an awful person. You're not. You could both be better prepared perhaps, and I think it will help you both to set out some rules or agreements for the immediate future, particularly pertaining To the birth and what happens after.

These can just be practical things that you sort out.

I would suggest meeting more often than once a week. Try and see how you feel about each other spending a little more time in each other's company. It might help you to open up to each other more. Try a couple of times a week, try to include him in the baby stuff as much as possible.

Maybe he isn't a forever partner, but he is now in your life forever because you have a child together so you might as well work on making this relationship as friendly and kind as it's possible to be.

[brokenchair]

thanks kitty I was worried I would get lots of hate messages! When I say we only see each other once a week it is pretty much the whole weekend. We used to see each other in the week but that was initiated by me going to his. Now I'm pregnant I just go straight home or often work at home so don't want to turn out. I feel it's up to him to initiate seeing me in the week if he wants. That's another problem really. He can't make decisions or plan so everything has to be led by me. We have nice weekends and are trying to ensure we do whatever is best for the baby. He's said we'll effectively be living together when she's here. I know that's the right thing but I feel a bit trapped. It's so hard. He's a very good person but I just can't see us together for the rest of our lives. He's financially unstable and I don't want to end up having to support him. I've included him in all the baby stuff - scans, choosing names and now we're planning all the equipment to buy. We still act as a couple really apart from not dtd which in some ways is a relief.

[Pitchforktotheface]

Done it 10 times including conception. DS is 13months.