Finding out sex at anomaly scan

[peaceloveandbiscuits]

With DC1 I didn't want to find out whether he was a boy or a girl until he was born. Reasons were:

• I didn't want people applying gender stereotypes before he'd even been born. I wanted him to develop his own character without any stereotypical expectations.
• I like bright, gender-neutral baby clothes and toys, and didn't want to be inundated by either pink or blue (clearly this happened after he was born anyway, but you know).
• I liked the idea of experiencing something women for years before had (albeit through lack of technology and choice) - not finding out until birth. That probably makes little sense but I'm a history geek and it made sense to me at the time.
• I am crap at surprises and enjoyed giving myself the ultimate surprise.

Now pregnant with DC2 and am rather tempted to find out this time, simply for a different experience. However, the above points are still important to me. My 20 week scan is next week, and although I'm focused on wanting everything to be healthy, present and correct, I cannot make up my mind about finding out the sex.

DH says he doesn't mind either way, which is no help at all. I don't know if I could manage not to tell anyone if we did find out. Gaaah. I'm also very skeptical of it always being correct.

One more point, to avoid drip-feeding, is that I suffered horrendous PND and psychosis and I struggled to bond with DS for many months. Would finding out help me to bond before birth?

Please tell me pros and cons of both options and help me decide.

[Gardencentregroupie]

I found out this time because I am stopping at 2 DCs, so if it was a girl I could just organise DD's old clothes and if it was a boy I could sort the too-girly clothes (we got a lot of very flowery dresses etc as gifts) to go to the charity shop. Only one name to decide on as well. As it happens it's a boy, I'm glad I found out, DD has shit tons of old clothes that need cleared.

[peaceloveandbiscuits]

Ah see with DC1 being a boy, and the vast majority of his baby clothes being unisex, I don't have that excuse! I have seen some very pretty smocked dresses in the JL sale, but impractical for a newborn anyway, so again, not an excuse.

[goose1964]

It's very hard not to tell anyone , he/she tends to get used. I didn't find out with any of mine, but it was a while ago and they wouldn't tell you when I had my first two and didn't want to know with my third

[NickyEds]

I'm not sure that there are pros and cons as such, just do you want to know now or later! We found out with both of our dc mainly because:

1. I'm a bit of a control freak and didn't like not knowing
   
2. Dp is crap with surprises and didn't want to wait.
   
3. I hated referring to my unborn baby as 'it' and everyone kept doing it!
   

Depending on what your friends and family are like it may or may not stop the onslaught of blue/pink stuff. Members of our family who really go in for the really gender specific stuff would have just waited until the baby was born to buy the bright blue/pink stuff so it wouldn't have made a difference I don't think. One of my friends really wanted a boy (and I mean really wanted a boy)and I remember thinking it might be best for her to find out, or alternatively count her blessings but you know what I mean. I don't think there are many advantages to finding out if you're not dress them differently either way but no harm on finding out either.

I have been no help whatsoever. Apologies.

[kiki22]

I think finding out can help bond babies are babies but it helped me to imagine what he would look like and pick a name. I found out both times it was really nice telling everyone and like u said u get the gender stuff once there here anyway what's an extra few months.

[Strokethefurrywall]

I didn't find out for first baby but did for second. I'll be honest, I preferred not knowing and if I was to ever have a 3rd, I wouldn't find out.

From my perspective, I think knowing what I was having meant I developed preconceived ideas about him before he was actually born. It didn't help me bond any more than with DS1.

But it's totally personal, I didn't bond any differently knowing but I also love surprises and I'll never forget the look on DH's face when he told me what we had.

We didn't have that same "oh my God it's a..." moment in the OBGYN's office. So for me, it was more special finding out when he entered the world rather than seeing giant testicles on a screen.

[Sparklyuggs]

I found out the gender today (NIPT) and I have friends who found out and didn't tell anyone as they liked having a little secret. This is my first but I think you're in for comments about 'ooh bet you hope it's a boy/girl'.

It might not have been at the birth but we got the call with the results over breakfast today and we both cried and hugged, and have been texting each other all day saying 'its a boy!' Feels special to me .

Do you think you would regret finding out?

I plan on secretly removing any wildly gender stereotype gifts to give to the charity shop anyway. I'm with you, I like bright unisex type stuff rather than consigning the baby to solely wearing blue because he's a boy.

[EweAreHere]

I found out early with all three of mine (No 2 was dead obvious at the dating scan!). I like my surprises early. Plus, easier to focus on one set of names, since we took a long time agreeing on those.

[SquedgieBeckenheim]

I didn't find out with DD.
Have found out this time though. I enjoyed not knowing last time, but didn't get to enjoy finding out at the birth as it was all rather traumatic. I wanted to avoid that. I also wanted to know whether to donate the girls clothes or not. Plus, there was a greater chance of finding out by accident due to all the growth scans! Turns out we're having another DD, so won't be throwing out much!
A part of me misses the mystery, but mostly it's nice to know we're having a girl and I can call her 'she' not 'it'!
The question is, will you regret it or not? Only you can know that.

[oklumberjack]

I didn't find out with either of my two, for reasons very similar to your own actually.

My first was a dd who was really into boys t-shirts, jumpers etc so I had lots of stuff either way.

I didn't bond too well with her at the beginning, but with my second baby (which was the first boy born into our family in 32 years!) I bonded the moment I saw him.

Fast forward 12 years, the bond with both my children is really strong. Dd and I are really close.

[GoulashSoup]

We didn't find out with DC1 for exactly the same reasons as you. We have found out with DC2. If it hadn't been possible to tell neither of us would have been too bothered but as it is we now know we are having DS2. My reasons for finding out this time were:

DS was adamant he was having a brother and we felt it was better to break the news to him that it was a sister before we bring home the 'wrong' baby. It's a boy so avoided that one.
We had a girl's name lined up but were struggling with boys names. If it had been a girl we could have stopped searching for a name.
It is going to be our last and having not bonded instantly with DS I wanted a chance to digest some of my emotions around the sex of the baby. Having had losses in between I was delighted either way to be at the 20 week mark but did feel a bit sad that I will never have a little girl. Very happy that DS will get the brother he is so excited about.

We have told people as telling DS we might as well have put it on the national news. But, having had all gender neutral clothes first time round and telling everyone we don't need anything we have so far avoided the tide of pink or blue (I may be eating those words when he arrives in the next couple of weeks and I get presented with what my mother and MIL have been buying for the last nine months).

Good luck for a healthy scan and rest of your pregnancy.

[PetalMettle]

I wanted to know - I liked being able to talk to him and use his name. Although that didn't make bonding any quicker when he came out.
The cons were that everyone knew what we were having and also the name - obviously you could just not tell them but that felt churlish.
If we had another one not sure what I'd do. Possibly not find out.

[Flingmoo]

The first time round I was unsure about whether I wanted to find out or not, until we found out my accident - was clearly a boy at the 20 week scan! This time round I firmly believe that finding out the gender is a perfectly good idea Here are my reasons:

• When babies are born it's so chaotic and emotional I don't think you really need a 'surprise' to make the moment any more special or dramatic!
  

• I don't see how there's any significance or difference between having a surprise now, and a surprise in 20 weeks time.
  

• Deciding on a name is easier - you only have to get one name sorted rather than two possibilities.
  

• It prevents you (well, me anyway) from getting too irrationaly attached to the idea of having a certain gender. Even if you think you don't have a preference, it can easily happen by accident for all sorts of random reasons - e.g. when you think of a great name for a one gender and struggle to think of one for the other. When you start seeing cute girls clothes in the shop and the boys ones look rubbish. Or when you see a couple of girl toddlers having a horrid tantrum and it puts you off having girls. I'm usually a believer in gender equality but when you're pregnant your irrational side can easily take over and make you have a preference. Finding out the gender at the scan can put a kind of halt to this thinking as whatever the gender will be, you'll soon get used to the idea and it gives you time to get more enthusiastic about it before the arrival!

[NennyNooNoo]

I have 4 DCs. We didn't find out for the first as we had absolutely no preference and chose gender neutral clothing for the start and a turquoise nursery. I remember feeling a bit envious (if that's the right word) sometimes between 20 weeks and 40 weeks when other pregnant friends knew what they were having. Overall though, I don't have any regrets about the decision. My gut feeling was that it would be a boy and I turned out to be right.
We struggled to conceive number 2 so I thought we might stop at 2. Decided to find out partly because I had a slight preference this time (a pigeon pair would be perfect) and so that I found clear out DS's toddler clothes which were very boyish if it was a girl. It was! The surprise was just as good at 20 weeks as it would have been at 40 weeks. So no regrets either.
With numbers 3 and 4 we found out again at 20 weeks. It meant we were able to tell the older children whether they were having a brother or sister which I felt would make it more real.
So I've done both and no regrets either way. Overall though, I preferred finding out.

[Redkite10a]

I found out but didn't tell anyone with DC1 and didn't find out with DC2. I preferred not knowing, I was disappointed to find out DC1 was a boy in the scan as when gender is all you know about your baby I found it difficult not to over focus on it. Once he was born it didn't matter at all to me, so I didn't find out this time. Despite not knowing the gender I bonded better with the bump this time because I could remember from DC1 how the bump turned into a child I really love.

It's really hard to keep it a secret, I slipped up and used he multiple times....

[peaceloveandbiscuits]

Squedgie I had a similar experience - I was more concerned with whether DS was alive or not for the first twenty or so minutes of his life, and didn't think to ask if he was a boy or a girl. I don't know if knowing beforehand would help in that situation.

Mamushka weirdly, I do keep absent-mindedly thinking of this baby as a girl. It's shocked me because I didn't feel either way about DS. I wonder if I would be disappointed in a weird way, though I think having brothers would be brilliant too. I don't think I would be disappointed either way when presented with the baby at the birth.

Thanks all for commenting, I actually think I've been swayed towards not finding out!

[raviolidreaming]

Mamushka speaks for me too - particularly that there was no doubt about him being a boy!

[peaceloveandbiscuits]

I wouldn't even know what to look for on the scan! Is it really that obvious?

[raviolidreaming]

I probably wouldn't have seen it myself - although the sonographer said she had been trying really hard to not let us see! - but once there's a penis and scrotum paused on the screen it would be fairly difficult to be sceptical as to whether they're correct or not!

[raviolidreaming]

... and thinking back, I'm glad we found out. It made it wonderfully real, particularly for Mr Ravioli.