Hi team. I am in early pregnancy (7 weeks). I am in a quandary of confusing feelings and hoping someone else out there feels the same, has experienced the same feelings or has some advice to help me to come to terms with things.
I have never felt the need to create my own spawn. I cannot for the life of me make myself want to create my own offspring. It's like that was left out of my nature. I cannot comprehend why people want to do it. I am glad for those people that want and love and make it work. I see how happy it makes them.
However my husband has always been keen on having a family. We were open with one another from the beginning of our relationship (we've been together over a decade) and when he asked me to marry him my answer was 'but I don't think I want children' and he said he would accept only me.
Anyway, it came back on the agenda as I am now nearing my mid-30s. We started talking about it more and kind of testing out the idea with each other. It kind of became 'normalised' as something in our future. I now feel like I've lost myself or that I allowed myself to be brain washed in a way, not by him but by society, by the pressure heaped on women and how we OUGHT to need to be mothers. I feel like I've 'gone along with it' for him, because it's what you do, because a lot of my friends are now parents and yet I feel totally at a loss as to why in one moment of madness (this pregnancy is a one shot wonder) I went along with it, fully knowing the possible consequences and as such I feel like I have made my own bed and I have to proceed with the pregnancy. Therefore I am cross with myself, with only myself to blame. I am not excited. I am not happy about it. I feel strangely detached from the whole thing (except for when I'm puking or laid up in bed from the sickness). The doctor asked me how I felt and I said 'well, it's a fact'. I've had one person, when I voiced that I was unsure about it, say 'well there are plenty of people who can't get pregnant so you should be grateful'.
I have no ill feelings towards the child, I do not resent it, I do not hold any feelings of dislike towards it. This is somehow about my reaction to it. It is about my acceptance of change, or about my life changing, that I went along with something or wasn't strong enough to stick to my guns.
Am I alone?
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Pregnancy
Reluctant and regretful pregnancy
12 replies
OKifimust · 28/10/2016 10:48
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