DH treating me like a project..

[bumbleclat]

DH has encouraged me to go to Hypnobirthing classes as the mother of his first DD had an amazing birth with them.

We have gone to the classes and partaken in the various bits of homework (of which there are many) and have remained quite excited about the birth as a result- that itself is a result already IMHO

DH is becoming so bossy about it all, watching me do the exercises and giving constructive criticism about how I do them etc.

He keeps nagging me to do this breathing exercise and the correct way of getting up/lying down and it's driving me nuts!

I told him to back off a month ago and said I would find him taking on more housework related stuff more helpful and he seemed to understand.

But just in the past couple of days he has reverted back to captain Nag- this morning I woke upn(as usual) at 5:30 am feeling a bit sad about my recently late mother and instead of relating to me in an authentic way he just said now's a good time to do your breathing exercises!

I said can you reign it in a bit, you're being patronising and it's making me feel lonely and disconnected from you- he just got in a huff and rolled over.

I just wish he'd relate to me as good old me rather than treat me like a list of jobs to get through I'm starting to really resent this Hypnobirthing lark like he's been taken over by this religion and I can't get to the real us anymore.

[Rainatnight]

I have no advice but that sounds like a nightmare. And a bit creepy that he wanted you to give birth like his ex?

Can you sit down with him in a calm moment and let him know how this is making you feel?

What's he like otherwise?

[bumbleclat]

Thanks. He says he believes in the HB because his ex had a peaceful apparently painless birth.
He is therefore because he loves me wanting me to experience the same fearless birth which is coming from a good place I think.
But he can't seem to relate to the fact that the pressure is then immense, anything could go wrong, you can't control nature, nature does what the ef it wants!

I will need to speak to him again yes, part of me feels like I'm being ungrateful because at least he cares but in a way I feel like it's substituting real intimacy between us as a couple so it all looks very supportive but actually leaves me feeling cold :(

[sentia]

That's really very odd. Does he realise that he has a very small bit part to play in pregnancy and birth, it's not about him?

If you want another birth partner, who will make you feel more comfortable and less "instructed" then that's perfectly ok. It doesn't have to be your DH.

Also, having been through it once, hypnobirthing is great for the first part of labour, but not always enough for transition. Don't feel at all like you have to get through it on deep breathing and visualisations alone. Have a read of Juju Sundin's birth skills if you can, and stay open to whatever happens and whatever pain relief you might feel you need at the time.

[positivity123]

It sounds like you are very good at articulating your feelings so say it to him again until he gets the message. I understand what you mean and you are right, you need support not a solution.

[Whoooodat]

I would hate him to be talking about his ex all the time as much as anything.

Do you actually want to do hypnobirthing?

[Lweji]

When I started driving my dad kept telling me what to do. So I started telling him what to do too when he was driving. He was angry first, but understood it and backed off.

I'd follow him around telling him how to do everything and then point out that's what's doing to you.

Having said that, I suspect the pregnancy is something he feels he's out of and would really love to participate more. He can't in the way he's going about it, but maybe you can find a way to include him more in something else? Say, a back massage? Pretty useful during my labour, and something he may well need to practice loads. :)

[thecatsarecrazy]

Tell him any more of it and you will give both alone. No 2 births are the same just because his ex apparently had a painless birth doesn't mean you will. My 1st wasn't bad. Gave birth a couple of hours after arriving at hospital, my 2nd took longer and more painful.

[finova]

Get him to practise keeping his mouth shut.
I did hypnobirthing and had to ask everyone not to move or say anything. If they distracted me I couldn't stay in the zone.
He's being counter productive and making you more tense.

[Honeybee79]

OMFG, this would drive me mental. What bloody well worked for his ex won't necessarily work for you! We're all individuals for goodness sake and each pregnancy and birth is different.

All that you have said makes me really worry about what he's going to be like at the birth itself. How will he react if you request, say, an epidural? How will you react if you end up having unforeseen interventions? Will be blame you for not doing enough bloody exercises etc?

Tell him to back off or you'll choose someone else as your birthing partner.

[bumbleclat]

Thank you it is driving me to the extreme of wanting to just go it alone I'll see if I can talk to him tonight...
When I got home he had bought me a birth ball and had cleaned the kitchen I do feel bad because I know it's his awkward way of trying to help but it just comes off as a bit controlling.
Tonight he kept insisting I eat this avocado that's just right and I said I will if I fancy it but he kept going on about it until Insnapped saying that he'd made me go off it now.
He asked why I was arbitrarily going against everything at the moment and I just said that if I feel like an avo I'll bloody well have one!

Exhausting!

He is a bit depressed at the moment and I'm sure it's because he's pushing too hard to almost be an idea of a person he's not. I wish he'd just relax and feel his way through like I'm doing.

[positivity123]

It sounds exhausting. Can you try and talk to him about it in a non confrontational way? It sounds like his heart is in the right place but he's just not entirely sure how to help you. Can you give him a cuddle and thank him for thinking of you then tell him you just need a bit of space? Or maybe ask him to back off on the baby side of things and just treat you like you again? I'm finding that DH and I are only talking about the baby and it's getting a bit boring so we went for dinner the other iggt and banned all baby chat and it has reset us.
Can you give him a project that you really can't be arsed to do? Sort out all your maternity paperwork? Do a budget? Defrost the freezer?

[bumbleclat]

Thank you, he has been a little depressed lately and bought himself a book about Peri natal depression and how it can affect men too, it hard because I have just lost my mum to cancer so am a little traumatised myself.
I spent the day today cleaning the house and making him nice meals, I want him to be happy and can't tell if it's me making him depressed by not quite being myself of late.

In some ways it's a nice problem to have iykwim but it looks like hard work from where I'm standing, he sort of keeps changing tac e.g. Being bossy and annoying to being really helpful cooking/ cleaning/ helping me to being withdrawn, I wish he'd be normal around me but maybe he feels as I do, that our lives are/changing/have/changed beyond recognition with the intro of this new little one and he's just awkwardly finding his feet?

I've got today off with him so will try and have a baby talk free day thanks for the idea!

[finova]

Hope you're okay.
If you continue to find him difficult maybe mention to your midwife or post on ratio ships board.
So sorry to hear about your Mum. You could really do with his support, not him acting as project manager x