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Longing for a baby. Hubby doesn't feel the same

(22 Posts)
WantingBaby1 Sat 13-Aug-16 11:09:17

Hi all,

Hoping for some advice here. Been with my other half for 5 years, married for one. We're both 30, have stable jobs and can financially suport a child. I'm desperate to have a baby and have been for around 18 months now. Hubby wants kids, 2 or 3 in fact, but feels we're very young to start a family. I disagree, especially if we are to have more than one. A number of our mutual friends are pregnant but this hasn't changed his view. I want to come off the pill but he wants me to delay this, saying we should enjoy our time together, just the two of us. I know that's totally reasonable and I would never "accidently on purpose" get pregnant, but my hormones are all over the place and all I can think of is having a baby. He says we could think about me coming off the pill in December, and I know that's only a few months away, but I can't help thinking why not now? Should I tell him I want to come off the pill now? I know it can take a long time to get pregnant and I don't want to wait forever!

Advice welcome!

Thank you

Vap0 Sat 13-Aug-16 11:40:05

Hi

If he is suggesting you come off the pill in December then have a chat with him and let him know it can take many months for the pill to come out of your system. Perhaps between now and then you can use condoms? It took us 28 months to get pregnant (different circumstance as was on the depo jab which messed me up) and we waited until we were ready both emotionally and financially and then had a massively long and stressful wait for my body to get back to normal. Of course you may be one of the lucky ones who gets pregnant on day 1 missing the pill so make sure you do discuss it with him and you both agree.

Best of luck flowers

Whatsername17 Sat 13-Aug-16 12:21:47

I agree with the above. I had to wait 2 years for the depo injection to leave my system. In my 20s I fell pregnant easily and quickly. In my early 30s it has been much more difficult. Id speak to your dh again and start preparing for ttc now. Good luck x

Pearlman Sat 13-Aug-16 12:28:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NapQueen Sat 13-Aug-16 12:28:55

I would say to dh that as he wants to start ttc IN December you want to prepare your body now and will be coming off the pill to clear it from your system and in the interim time he can use a condom.

WantingBaby1 Sat 13-Aug-16 13:07:15

Thanks for the advice all. We have difficulty in using condoms as he finds it hard to maintain an errection using them. All psychological I'm sure as he's never had trouble without, but it's a real problem. Not sure what to do as the pill has always been our only form of birth control.

becciandbump Sat 13-Aug-16 13:31:12

I don't think 30 is that young actually but he has agreed to December which is only 4 or 5 months off so it's not like he has said no. Id maybe say that it may take a while however we got pregnant first month at least with his plan you can enjoy the festivities of a glass of wine over Christmas and new year? ( im only saying this as im currently pregnant and can't wait for a glass of wine again ;) )

becciandbump Sat 13-Aug-16 14:33:56

Ps. This might be a long shot and people might shoot me down. Could you try the rhythm method. You could get some ovulation sticks and only have sex on the days you know you are not ovulating? It could be a compromise I came off the pill a year before we conceived to give my body chance to recover. My friend has used rhythm method for years and only had 2 intentional and no unplanned pregnancies. I know it's not completely accurate but you've said he does want kids so it's not like it would be a disaster for him if it happened a couple months earlier thN he hoped x

elmo1980 Sat 13-Aug-16 16:02:58

Are you certain he wants children or could he be stalling? I only say that because I was with my ex for 7 years then got married when I was 32. I said I wanted to try for children right away aa i didnt want to be an older mum but he always made excuses like 'let's enjoy being married first' and 'let's just see what happens if it's meant to be it will happen' eventually leading to him refusing to sleep with me because he felt I was only doing it so I could get pregnant!

I soon realised he didn't want children at all and I had to make the difficult decision to leave him whilst I was still young enough to start again (34). Fortunately I met someone amazing who wants children too and we are now expecting our first.

I don't mean to be negative this is just my experience but just have that conversation with him to make sure you both want the same future together.

Oh and 30 isn't too young at all, especially if he wants 2-3 children! It took me a year after coming off the pill for my cycle to get back to some kind of normal and even then it was sporadic making trying to find fertile time very difficult. Don't take anything for granted.

Good luck!!

AddictedtoGreys Sat 13-Aug-16 19:49:37

Has he given you an estimated time/age of when he does want to start TTC? I was on the pill for 10 years before TTC my first and it only took 1 month, same with my second. So if you do decide to come off the pill be prepared that it could happen quickly. I understand him wanting to enjoy a bit of married life first. I was 8 weeks pregnant at my wedding as we (wrongly) assumed it would take a while for me to conceive after coming off the pill, so we haven't had any time as a married couple without pregnancy and DC.

expatinscotland Sat 13-Aug-16 19:55:37

What elmo said. Sorry, but I think he's stalling. Like elmo I was married to someone who used this tactic. We finally divorced when I was 30 and I met and married someone else and we had 3.

30 isn't too young and I'd have a talk with him now and let him know this could be a dealbreaker.

DesignedForLife Sat 13-Aug-16 20:40:04

I don't think he's stalling, I think it's fair to want to wait a couple months- he's given You a timeframe, so if he doesn't want to start then, it's a different discussion. But I agree with him - go on a nice holiday first if you can!

Also I was early 30's when I came off the pill, it only took us 3 months to get pregnant, I was expecting it to take a year!

WantingBaby1 Sun 14-Aug-16 18:29:09

Thank you all. Ive been encouraged by DesignedForLife ; he's not stalling, but we have booked a holiday and so I appreciate he wants to go on that with his wife rather than his pregnant wife (who can't enjoy seafood or wine!) I struggle with it, but guess I have to accept it. A couple of months isn't long to wait I guess.

Dixiechick17 Sun 14-Aug-16 19:11:41

I know it seems like forever but it isn't too long to wait. I came off the pill because it was not agreeing with me all of a sudden, we used condoms for two months. One split and I fell pregnant and am now Mum to a 14 month old, so I am one of those who wasn't affected by the pill when coming off it and air had been on it for about 16 years and was 33 when I fell pregnant.

FuzzyOwl Sun 14-Aug-16 19:15:54

If you look at some of the conception threads you will see that some women try to conceive for many many months. There is no guarantee that you will get pregnant as soon as you come off the pill (and the odds are it will take at least a few months for your cycles to regulate).

Could you agree with your DH that you come off the pill and avoid unprotected sex in your fertile period, which realistically is only a maximum of seven days?

RaeSkywalker Sun 14-Aug-16 19:22:13

I came off the pill 18 months before we started trying. I don't think it's unreasonable for you to come off now and use condoms.

I guess you could have a serious conversation about timelines. If he wants 2+ children, how old does he want to be when the youngest is born? What age gaps would he hope for in an ideal world? As others have said- is he aware of how long ttc can take?

neonrainbow Sun 14-Aug-16 19:30:39

Work out how many children you want and by what age. Then think about age gaps. Im 30 and wanted 2 children by 35 with a 3 year age gap so got on with it earlier this year. Fell pregnant with twins straight away.

SweepTheHalls Sun 14-Aug-16 19:30:52

It took us 9 months, 6 months and 26 months to conceive each of our children. Also bear in mind that you need to have been trying to conceive for a year before you would get any fertility investigation if you are the 1in 4 couples that struggle to conceive........

Flowzer Mon 15-Aug-16 12:06:41

I was off the pill for 18months before my periods even came back! It does take time for you body to get back to normal after long term contraception, so I'd have a chat to him about coming off it sooner rather than later...

Sparklesilverglitter Mon 15-Aug-16 12:12:43

December isn't that far away, and you've got your holiday to enjoy being a couple before you start trying to conceive.

I've just had my first baby at 39 years old and I got pregnant the second month of trying after coming off the pill ( I had taken the pill for 10 years) Every woman is different with regards to how quick she gets pregnant and for me I see no reason to come off the time now but maybe look at coming off the pill October time so you have a couple of months before ttc if you feel you need too. You could not have sex in your fertile period

Eatthecake Mon 15-Aug-16 12:16:52

It is only 4 months to December, it will fly by. Go away in your holiday have some fun!

When I came off the pill after taking it for 6 years I got pregnant the first month of trying. Yes it takes some women longer but some it doesn't so I wouldn't come off the pill just yet maybe October/November time then for those 4/8 weeks until December just don't have sex in your fertile period that way you would have 1-2 months pill free before ttc

jaffacakes16 Mon 15-Aug-16 12:40:24

If your husband is agreeable I'd also suggest stopping now and using temping/opk's to avoid your fertile window. Obviously a chance of getting pregnant but not that high if you're doing it right. I was in a similar position and found it helpful to get to know my cycle before we "officially tried".

Alternatively if he really wants to wait till December book a nice mini break to look forward to and enjoy the ability to drink wine without guilt for a couple of months!

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