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Pregnancy, termination? I don't know what to do.

(15 Posts)
BonesyBones Thu 19-May-16 08:42:35

I realise that this is a sensitive subject for a lot of people. A few years ago I was one of those people and so I am very sorry if this causes anyone any upset.

I am pregnant. I already have 2 DC. The oldest is autistic and can be very difficult. The youngest is only almost 2 but appears to have similar problems and is being monitored by the health visitor.

We spent 5 years trying to conceive dc2 and since his birth I have been diagnosed with polycystic ovaries. He truly was a miracle.

Believing that we may wish to expand our family just once more, we didn't use contraception and assumed it would take a very long time for anything to happen, until 3 weeks ago when we decided that it might just happen and we weren't ready for that at all. We started using condoms again but it was too late, I'm already pregnant.

We can afford another child, mostly. We do have space for another child. We can love another child.
Sounds like a no brainer?

Me and DP have had a particularly bumpy relationship. We barely survived the first year of dc2s life together. He has some form of ASD too (as do all of the males in his family ranging from mild ASD to extreme autism and learning disabilities combined). This makes it quite difficult to be on a level with him sometimes.

We have quite different ideas on raising children.

We are not overly stable individually (he is depressed with anxiety, I have bipolar which is mostly under control but have literally just in the last week come out of quite a bad state of mania).

We are not overly stable as a couple. It was only a month ago one of us almost moved out, at the others request.

I do not believe that another child will magically fix everything, but I'm not sure if we could make do and make it work.

I am fully pro choice and believe that everyone should have options yet I don't feel like termination is the right option for me, the thought makes me sick. But we had already decided that it wasn't the right time for a child.

Part of me thinks that we got ourselves into this situation in a perfectly normal way and so we should deal with it.

I would never terminate after 12 weeks (not that I would judge those who choose to, it's just a personal decision) and I am currently 7 weeks in. Adoption is 100% not an option.

I have no idea what to do. I'm so overwhelmed by it all.

I'm not very healthy and this will take a huge toll on my body. I hate maternity wards with a passion. The pregnancy itself terrifies me.

I don't really know why I'm posting here. I never thought I'd be in this position. Honestly I don't want to be pregnant. But I don't want to terminate. It seems more like would I least regret termination or a new child?

Then of course I really have to consider not only the rocky relationship (which probably won't make it the long haul) but also the potential affect that this has on my other 2DC. I can't even begin to imagine how that will play out.

Partner is of same level of indecision as me and of no real help.

I can't speak to my friend as she terminated young and is now struggling to conceive. She believes it's related. Can't speak to MIL as her religion blocks termination. I don't have anyone else.

Please help me to rationalise this and make a decision.

Stom91 Thu 19-May-16 08:49:00

I'm sorry you feel this way.
Imo from what I read. Is that the child is wanted, 'you can't live anther child, and afford another child'
You don't really want a termination and I think you'd probably regret it.

Maybe fate just stepped in and it'll all work out.
I'm not very good with advice but I think that you'll be fine. You've got 9 months to work it all out.

Good luck op x

SpeakNoWords Thu 19-May-16 08:53:17

Could you get some impartial counselling to help you decide?

If you woke up tomorrow and you weren't pregnant, how would you feel? Relieved or disappointed?

BonesyBones Thu 19-May-16 09:11:23

Sorry stom I'm not sure I understand. I have said that we could love and afford another. But I'm also looking at another child as sort of an isolated incident. Realistically my current 2 need a LOT of care and attention due to the autism and I don't know if we can cope with the demands of a newborn on top of that. Either we'd struggle through and manage or it would break us entirely. There doesn't seem to be an in-between.

BonesyBones Thu 19-May-16 09:12:38

If I woke up tomorrow not pregnant I would be relieved, but I think the relief would be in not having to make the decision as opposed to not being pregnant iyswim.

AnUtterIdiot Thu 19-May-16 09:18:35

I had a congenital disability that required a lot of medical attention and surgery and also meant I had mobility problems. I know that my parents would have liked a second child but felt that they couldn't have one because they were concerned that either I or the second baby would lose out. They were also concerned that the second baby would have what I had, which at the time was not believed to be properly fixable (I was one of the first people to be completely fixed). My mother did fall pregnant and in the end she was advised to have a termination because she had a coil inserted and was told a miscarriage was inevitable, so in a sense the decision was made for her. But your concerns are understandable on all sorts of levels. There's no right or wrong decision, you just have to do what you think is best. flowers

BonesyBones Thu 19-May-16 09:24:07

Thank you AnUtter a lot of my doubts are based around my children and also the possibility of another with autism. I definitely don't think I could handle that.

claw12 Thu 19-May-16 09:34:53

I should imagine it's perfectly natural for most women who terminate a pregency, for whatever reason to feel some form of guilt. Even if they are 100 per cent sure it is the right decision.

IF you decide to terminate I think it's important to think about how you are going to work through those feelings.

Also equally important if you are not, then some sort of plan of how you will cope with a new baby.

There are respite packages etc you can apply for help with the children who have autism, to give you a break etc

AButterflyLightsBesideUs Thu 19-May-16 10:20:01

I hear you. I had a shock pregnancy last autumn which I thought I wanted to terminate (complicated back story of late loss, subsequent pregnancy in a dreadful mental health state, struggled with early motherhood, have health issues, had finally decided no more children as I didn't think I could get through pregnancy/early years with my marbles intact). I found out at 6 weeks. I set the termination wheels in motion by getting my GP to refer me to the pregnancy advisory service at our hospital and had the appointment lined up to talk to them in order to make the decision. As it happened, I realised I just couldn't go through with it, so I cancelled the appointment. I'm glad I did, despite what happened later. We ended up losing the baby anyway at 13/14 weeks - he had a lethal diagnosis of acrania so we opted for a termination for medical reasons then. He also turned out to have Edwards syndrome we found out from tissue testing. It was incredibly sad, he had become a very wanted baby but because of my early feelings I felt guiltily like I had no right to mourn.

It's worth considering that it will take a couple of weeks minimum to get a termination through the NHS (personally I think that is disgraceful but that is another topic). Given your own personal feelings that 12 weeks is too late, I would go to see your GP and get the referral and maybe talk it through with them? You can always pull out (as I did) but it gets you the soonest appointment if you might want it. They should provide counselling in order to help you make your decision and feel sure. It might be worth making use of that so you have a safe and non judgemental listening ear to help you talk it through.

You sound like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place and my heart goes out to you. A hideous position to be in. Best wishes to you.

Allium40 Thu 19-May-16 11:38:34

Hi BonesyBones,

I've been through this myself recently.

What I would say is, it's quite hard to think clearly with first trimester hormones and you might feel differently without them. I found myself in a state of panic/anxiety and felt quite detached towards the pregnancy which wasn't really me. Don't let anyone influence your decision as it's your body and it's you that would have to go through with a termination. It's a very difficult thing to go through and some people regret it. Listen to your instincts.

If you do decide to terminate, the GP would probably put you in touch with BPAS anyway as they offer terminations on the NHS. BPAS offer counselling but I think they are just mainly trying to alleviate the guilt rather than weighing up your options. It might be better to talk to a GP or psychotherapist to really get to the bottom of what is best.

And don't let anyone rush you.

Good luck x

hownottofuckup Thu 19-May-16 11:48:55

Hi OP.
I was in a similar position last year, I didn't want to abort and I didn't want to be pregnant.
None of my concerns were really to do with health, or fulfilling the needs of my other (although other people's were!) though.
It's a tough choice. Have you looked up Marie Stopes? It's something like that, they offer counselling over the phone re pregnancy choices I think. Might be worth a look.
Best of luck flowers

BonesyBones Mon 23-May-16 13:34:47

I just wanted to come back and thank you all for your kind words. I have spoken more with my partner and to a counsellor and have decided to continue with the pregnancy.

AButterflyLightsBesideUs Mon 23-May-16 13:38:15

I'm so glad you've managed to reach a decision. Best wishes for your pregnancy, I hope it goes smoothly.

hownottofuckup Mon 23-May-16 17:57:40

I'm so pleased for you OP. I made the same decision wink

Stom91 Mon 23-May-16 19:15:01

Glad to hear it. Op.
Sorry my predictive stepped in so I made no sense.
Glad you're ok xx

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