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boyfriend doing drugs while I'm pregnant(16 Posts)
hi everyone. so this might be a bit of a long story but I really really need some advice. I am 27 years old and my bf is 29. I am 13 weeks pregnant and this is the first baby for either of us. this pregnancy was a surprise, but one that I was very happy about but things aren't going as planned. 2 months ago my boyfriend was laid off from his job and moved in with a friend of his. I also started a new job and have my own place but travel down to where he is for work because our plans were to move to the city and get a place together for us and the baby. the problem is he is putting barely any effort into finding employment saying that this job doesn't offer enough, or this means he'd work away for periods of time etc etc. just always seems to be an excuse while he is on EI and working under the table with odd jobs. however, he never seems to have any money. a couple of days ago I went into his room to change for work and found a rolled up bill and leftover white powder on his dresser he had used cocaine in the past but had promised to change with the pregnancy and the new baby. plus added to the fact that he barely has any money and asks ME to lend money to him, I have just been furious over this. he is cranky all of the time now. tells me I'm annoying, has no interest in the baby other than to say things like he will take me to court if I leave him and spends most of the time lecturing me on the most random things. this isn't the man that I knew before and he seems to have gotten worse with the pregnancy we are both from the other side of the country and that's where all of our family is. I have brought up to him about going home so the baby would have grandparents and aunts and uncles around because family is very important to me. he shoots the idea down without even considering it and says if I go he will take me to court once the baby is here. my family wants me to come home at all costs and deep down that's all I want to do. to go home and have the best life possible for my little one. I was not brought up in an atmosphere of drugs and just scraping by borrowing money from.people and I don't want that for this baby. I work hard and always . my mother has even offered to move in with the baby and I so we would all have a nice home and I wouldn't be alone, but there is a part of me that thinks my bf will smarten up once the baby is here and that I will someday regret leaving the father of my child and raising this baby on my own with no father in its life. i think of how i will.somehow be turned into the bad guy by him and his family. I always thought I would enjoy my pregnancy but anytime I bring up anything like buying a nice crib or having a baby shower he tells me I'm being spoiled and a princess because his family was brought up with nothing and that I don't need all of this nice stuff when all I want is a good and normal life for me and my baby I just feel so alone and I guess I'm asking this not because I don't know the answer but because I'm scared it's just my hormones and emotions making me crazy and over sensitive. I find it hard to even talk to him anymore after the way he has been acting. it's like Dr jekyll and Mr Hyde.
I'm sorry you are in this situation but he doesn't appear to be taking his responsibilities to you or your baby seriously. Drugs for me are a big no no but even more so with a baby and there would be no negotiations over that. How could you trust him around the baby?
You have said that you want to move home? He seems to be doing nothing to persuade you to stay (I.e. Looking for a job / place to live) except making threats about court. If you want to move home I would suggest you make the arrangements and go, you sound like you will be supported there at least and you can deal with him then. He won't get very far at court wanting custody of a tiny baby and a drug habit.
that is one of my biggest fears is that after I have the baby I would go to work and come home to find him high and watching the baby I don't know if this pregnancy is not real to him yet or what but it is very real to me and I am all set and ready in the mode to make a home for the baby and enjoy my first experience of.mother hood but the way he's been acting it just sucks the motivation right out of me to see someone that doesn't give a damn. you know ? when I found out I was pregnant he was so happy and gave these big talks about how we will have this great life and all of the things he was going to do but I'm starting to see it was a bunch of hot air I think. I know losing his job was hard on him but I went through the same thing around the same time as him ( damn Alberta economy lately) yet I am back working because I can't stand to not be doing something productive right now and I have so many plans and things I want for this baby. so it blows my mind that someone could be so uncaring about things. they say men take longer to come around but I don't know if I can take spending my pregnancy hoping for that. thank you for your advice. I've mainly just been talking to my mom about all this and I know she's a bit biased because she wants the baby and I home now but I know deep.down she is right
You're already protecting your baby OP, before they're even born, whereas your partner is being immature and stubborn.
I insist that you trust your instincts on this one, he has been doing coke for a while, and it's now behind your back whilst you carry his child, if this isn't the best time to clean yourself up and do what's best for your family, what is!?
I recommend you speak to your mum and move in with her/closer to her. As it was mentioned before, he will not get far at all in court, you're not abducting his child you're just giving it the best start in life, away from a drug habit and financial abuse, so what if he grew up with nothing? Surely you want better for your child?
I hope you are able to do what is best for you and your baby, you will do a wonderful job with or without him, remember that baby comes first now and do whatever you need to do to protect your child.
Aye cos a judge is really gonna pay much attention to a skint, illegally working junkie! Empty threats!
Go to your mum and do what's best for you and baby.
Good luck with the pregnancy
A judge is not going to give custody to a druggie.
You need to break it off with him, and I'd highly recommend you move home to be closer with your mum. You are not being over sensitive and emotional, he is being a jerk. Drugs change people, and he is obviously not trustworthy. His promises and threats are thin air, and you need to get away from them for the sake of yourself and your baby. You can not raise a child in an environment where there are drugs involved, you put yourself and your child at too many risks. Get out and get your baby to safety, and to somewhere there are people who will actually love and care and dote on it. You are not being a princess for wanting to buy nice & jolly useful things for your baby, far from it. He is being a manipulative jerk.
after I have the baby I would go to work and come home to find him high and watching the baby
You must never ever slow this scenario to happen. It's far far too dangerous, and to be frankly honest, you are far more likely to lose the baby through his neglect or social service involvement if you allow that scenario to happen.
Trust your gut instinct, go home where people love you and will support you. You will not regret it and you will not wreck the babies life by surrounding it with people who love and care for it father than a deadbeat druggie father.
You might find you get some really good advice if you post this on the relationship board here.
thank you so much for the insight. I read your responses to my mom over the phone tonight and broke down in tears his family has no idea what he's been up to out here and I feel that's why he doesn't want to return home. I spoke with a friend tonight who is going to help move some of my stuff home and am planning to pack up my dog and I and head home. everything with him is so unstable and all over the place I can't deal with it. not a lifestyle I would ever choose for a baby. thank you for your advice. sometimes it's so hard to see things from an outside perspective. he makes me feel like I'm crazy and it gets me questioning myself.
Good luck OP, I think going home is the right thing for you and your baby and it is So much easier to do while pregnant than with a newborn.
If might be that once the baby is here your bf pulls himself together and is an excellent father. However as you quite rightly say you can't just wait around aimlessly on the off chance it might happen.
You're doing the right thing, love. All the best to you and your baby X
Op, one of the best pieces of advice I've ever seen on here is "when someone tells you who they REALLY are, listen".
His behaviour is telling you loud and clear as to who and what he truly is, and it isn't going to change, except for the worse.
Put yourself and your darling little one first. Stay safe, follow those strong mothering instincts of yours, and be happy.
I wish you all the best my lovely.
My father was a drug addict, my mum didn't leave him until I was 12. He subjected me and my sisters to many dangerous and traumatic situations, the drugs always came first. I didn't really get a childhood because of it. Sometimes I felt like a carer looking after a father who had nearly overdosed, had a drug related mental episode or had got in a drug related fight. He didn't get very far with courts either.
Now he is an old man, no drugs and we have a good relationship. But that wasn't until he was in his 50s and I was an adult who had the power and understanding to deal with such a situation.
Protect your child. Children don't have the ability to deal with addict parents or all the problems that go with it, nor should they have too.
Good luck OP xx
I'm so glad you've got good support from your mum and friends, I really think you're making the right choice getting out.
Some years ago I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with a man who was an alcoholic. He really made me question myself - and I was very depressed at the time so didn't think much of myself anyway - he used to say I couldn't cope without him and all this rubbish, really put me down. One day I just had enough and ended it with him. He really kicked off afterwards, lots of very emotional messages and texts, he tried loads to get back in, but I knew my life would spiral if I went back. I deleted the messages without listening to them and changed my number. Best thing I ever did getting rid of him. I'm with a really loving kind man now who is a great dad, though he's not perfect!
Good luck you're going to be a great mum x
Definitely doing the right thing. Your going to be a fab mum. X
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