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25 years old, have PCOS, 25 weeks pregnant accidentally. Not excited and not sure if I'll be doing this alone.

(6 Posts)
BrindlePirate Wed 30-Dec-15 14:26:08

I'm new to this forum, I just joined because I have some questions and none of my friends/anyone I know has a baby.

I'm 25 years old, I've been with my boyfriend for around a year. I have PCOS and have periods maybe once every 4 or 5 months and I am overweight so was told before that it's very unlikely I'll be able to conceive naturally, didn't really mind as wasn't really thinking about having kids.

Accidentally got pregnant and found out in August when I was being sick.
Was living with my boyfriend at the time and he said we weren't ready to have a baby and I had to have an abortion, he phoned the clinic and set up the appointment and everything, the nearest appointment was two weeks away and there was lots of conversations/ tears about what to do. He was adamant he didn't want a baby and I didn't really want a baby but there was that niggle in the back of my head that there's a massive chance I shouldn't be able to get pregnant and if I change my mind a few years down the road I might not be able to and I'd regret having an abortion.
I made my mind up to keep the baby and cancelled the appointment for the abortion, told my boyfriend and he didn't talk to me for a couple of days and then asked me to leave his house. So I put everything I owned in my van and stayed between my narrowboat (which I was trying to sell at the time) and my parent's house and sometimes his.

Long story short, me and the boyfriend seem to be getting back on track but we still don't talk about the pregnancy and he doesn't mention it at all.
He didn't come to my scan or midwife appointments. We don't argue, we are back to how we were before, very much in love and having a nice time together but the whole baby thing isn't mentioned.

I have moved back onto my narrowboat and plan on having the baby there, I'm in a different marina that has children and families so it is doable.

But I don't feel excited at all? Everyone around me, my friends, my parents, my brother and sis in law are so excited for me but I don't feel excited at all. I've been sick every day for 5 months and I absolutely hate being pregnant but I'm really worried that I'm not feeling all attached and excited at all (I'm not) I'm not depressed or anything so I don't think it's pre natal depression, I just don't feel excited. I've no idea if my boyfriend is going to take paternity leave to help me? or how he'll help me financially and I just can't imagine having a baby to be honest the more pregnant I get the more I wish I wasn't pregnant so that I could have my old life back.
I work full time and get 6 weeks maternity pay at 90% of my basic and then stat mat pay but I can't see how I can afford to take much time off work yet I don't know how I'll be able to afford nursery so that I can come back to work? I live in Bath and full time nursery is between £1,000 and £1,100 a month - I don't take home much more than that but because I earn "too much" I'm not entitled to any tax credits or anything - I've looked online.

Will my boyfriend come round to the idea when he sees the baby?
Will I suddenly become all attached and maternal or have I made a massive mistake not aborting the baby? My best friend at work is 36 years old and has Crohn's and she's going through IVF with her husband and they've been unable to get pregnant then in the summer she became pregnant but miscarried and I can see the pain and disappointment every month when she realises she's not pregnant - she has everything I don't have - the perfect husband who wants a baby, he earns so much money she wouldn't have to worry about coming back to work if she didn't want to and has the big house and the cars etc but they can't have the baby they desperately want. I'm not married, living on a narrowboat am going to be screwed financially and have a boyfriend that loves me but does not want a child so I've no idea if he'll stick around or if he'll leave yet I got pregnant accidentally even though I'm overweight, have PCOS and hardly ever have a period. Shouldn't I feel like this is a miracle and everything else will work itself out?

Sorry for the long post, any replies would be gratefully received!

Girlfriend36 Wed 30-Dec-15 14:36:42

Hello Brindle congrats on your pregnancy smile

I think its 'normal' to feel ambivalent about an unplanned pregnancy, I was in a similar situation to your nearly 10 years ago. Found out I was pregnant, completely shocked and unplanned but decided I would have the baby. Spent most of the pregnancy in denial and really struggled to believe i would have a baby at the end of it!

Anyway long story short i now have a very lovely 9yo dd sat next to me. I have raised her on my own and it has been tough at times but I have no regrets and actually feel extremely lucky to have dd.

Your bf sounds hopeless tbh, I would not be counting on him to stick around at all. You need to have a grown up discussion about the fact that you are pregnant with his child and is he going to be involved?

If you are claiming tax credits as a single claimant you will be entitled to some help, is there an option of reducing your hours at work? You will get a proportion of the childcare paid for. Will your family support you?

brookeberry Wed 30-Dec-15 14:51:25

It sounds to me that deep down you want this baby, but like so many people, you are perhaps not in your ideal circumstances.

It's natural to be feeling mixed emotions, especially around your bf. He obviously knows you're pregnant and you are going to be having a baby, so maybe he has come round to the idea after a bad first reaction. Otherwise, how can you be getting along so well? You will need to talk about the practicalities soon though and see whether he is really going to feature.

You've not made a massive mistake, you are going with what's happening and you sound to me like you will cope just fine whatever happens. Good luck smile

mellowyellow1 Wed 30-Dec-15 14:52:49

Hi Brindle, sounds like you have been through a lot since you found out about the pregnancy, it's a lot to get your head around and I'm sure most people wonder if they will be able to manage.

Babies don't need a lot of stuff, I am 26 weeks and don't even have anywhere to live yet, I'm living with my in-laws! I also don't feel excited at all, more scared and nervous but I think that's normal.

I think you do need to start talking with your boyfriend about what's going to happen, is he going to be there for you or is he just hoping that it will go away? It's you that's going through it and he has to let you know where you stand so you can make plans for the future.

Like you say you have pcos, it is a miracle you even got pregnant at all. And you didn't plan it either so it's even more of a shock!

Talcott2007 Wed 30-Dec-15 15:49:40

Your definitely not alone with how you feel and your not a bad person - The reality of being pregnant triggers so many conflicting emotions and particularly because you thought you never conceive naturally so I'm not surprised you don't feel 'excited' right now
I really can empathize, although my situation it somewhat different from yours. I'm 16w+5 right now with a really surprise 1st pregnancy but fortunately a strong relationship with my DP. It must be so hard with the situation with your bf - you really need to have a proper conversation about what role he is going to play because right now you're in emotional limbo and that will be affecting the way you feel about the pregnancy and avoiding/delaying it is not going to make it any better.
Although I don't have PCOS for various reasons (that I won't bore you with) I always assumed I'd have trouble conceiving so I'm still getting used the reality of the situation with regular moments of complete "oh my god this can't really be happening" numbness - this is a very wanted pregnancy (now it's happened and I'm getting used to it) yet I always thought that when/if i got pregnant I'd have at least be trying and would be one of those crazy OTT filled with joy telling random people in the street kind of people. And that's not been the case...and part of me feels guilty that i'm not excited enough about it!
I totally get how you feel about the financial impact too - going to be in the same position as you with maternity pay but earn too much to get any additional benefits - I don't want to become a SAHP because I have worked hard to develop a career but looking at the sums right now we'd be around £100 worse off if i go back to work in my current role - queue feelings of resentment followed by feelings of guilt about it!
Sounds like you have a good network of wider support in your family/friends even if they don't have children so talk to them how you feeling and maybe ask them to focus on helping you work out more practical aspects for what you are going to do when the baby arrives rather than just go on about how 'excited' they are


April2013 Wed 30-Dec-15 16:13:10

Maybe it is the bf and his attitude towards the baby that is preventing you from feeling positive about the baby? But having said that I really didn't have a clue what to expect when I was pregnant with my first and I think this is very common. I think the way he attempted to control you with the abortion and how he behaved when you cancelled it is a red flag - he should have explained his feelings but left you free to make your own decision, I think his behaviour is controlling and the silent treatment and now ignoring the pregnancy are not good signs. I really struggle with pregnancy and felt super human once I had recovered from birth - I am sure when you are no longer feeling sick you will be able to fix all the problems about work and childcare and accommodation. Everyone is different with when they fall in love with their baby, it is highly highly likely to happen though. I think if I was you I would live on the boat until maternity leave starts and hopefully sell it before then and then when maternity leave starts move in with your parents - if they will be supportive. If you have a break from your bf you might discover you feel a lot better about everything, it sounds like he is dragging you down.

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