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Did finding out the sex help you to bond with your baby?

(18 Posts)
Nousername2015 Sat 18-Jul-15 10:59:59

Just that really. Currently 13 weeks but finding anxiety quite difficult to manage after a mmc back in March. I haven't really broached the topic of finding out with dh yet but I think he is happy to go either way.
After keeping myself very guarded for the first trimester, I am struggling to relax now that the dating scan has passed. I'm very conscious that things can and do still happen and I do worry that keeping this wall up may stop me from bonding with the baby further down the line.
I was already planning to mention this to my midwife at my next appointment but I was just wondering if bonding maybe came a bit easier for those who chose to find out the sex? All thoughts will be much appreciated.

Lilydreams Sat 18-Jul-15 11:13:31

I initially wanted to find out the sex just because I was damn nosey but found once I knew it definately helped me bond which I wasn't expecting.

It is so much nicer to be able to refer to him as 'he' or 'little man' or 'little bear' blush rather than 'it' or 'baby' and as I'm one for imagining/ daydreaming of when he's here it really helped me to achieve that too- imagining him going on days out when he's older fishing with his daddy and running round the garden playing football etc. Also being able to buy boy clothes rather than all neutrals- so I've got little trousers and shirts (as well as rompers etc) and DH got ever so excited over buying him a little flat cap! I feel like I know him already and can't wait to see what he looks like in 3 and a half weeks time!

So to answer your question simply: yes it was of great benefit to me finding out and I can't imagine not knowing now.

poocatcherchampion Sat 18-Jul-15 11:15:32

I don't really understand this notion of bonding. You just have a baby, and grow to love them. I don't think you need to over think it.

Sorry about your mmc - you must be feeling anxious. I hope your pregnancy goes well

Frillsandspills Sat 18-Jul-15 11:16:20

I found that finding out the sex helped me bond. I also had a lot of pregnancy anxiety which hasn't really gone away after finding out but like you I had a kind of wall up in the first trimester as I was so scared of things going wrong. Now I'm 18 weeks and had a private scan at 16 weeks and found out I'm having a little boy. I find that though I still have a lot of pregnancy anxiety I can start to focus more on 'my little boy' rather than 'my pregnancy' if that makes sense. I'm trying to forget that things can go wrong because I figured if they were going to there's nothing you can do, and it would be a shame to not enjoy a healthy pregnancy because you're always thinking 'what if'.
I'm very sorry about your mmc, I can't imagine how difficult that must have been but it is understandable that you are so anxious now. What id say is good to remember is that every pregnancy is different and there is no reason why this pregnancy won't be smooth sailing (I hope it is for you).
I think once you start feeling your baby move it'll be a huge relief. I'm still waiting for definite movement but occasionally I can feel a little 'something' and it does really help.

I felt I wasn't bonding with my baby because my partner left me and I had a lot of negativity towards being pregnant and I felt a lot of guilt for that, but as soon as I knew the sex and I was able to start looking at clothes/picking names etc, I felt so much better so I think in many ways for some people it's easier to bond when you know what you're having.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and congratulations flowers

Mulligrubs Sat 18-Jul-15 11:21:30

For me, yes finding out the sex did help me bond with the baby. I know some disagree though! With my son it meant I could choose his name, I didn't want too many neutral clothes etc. so I could also buy some "boyish" things (I know some people here claim that babies should be in gender neutral clothes at all times but hell I liked putting him in blue stuff with cars on, he looked cute so I don't care). Also I could actually imagine him and think about his face which did help me.

I am pregnant with my second now and recently found out she's a girl - I am so glad I found out smile

Mulligrubs Sat 18-Jul-15 11:22:12

Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy flowers

mummyneedinganswers Sat 18-Jul-15 11:23:05

Finding out the sex definitely helped me bind I felt like I wasn't connected with my pregnancy at all after a terrible first 9 weeks, I felt that I wasn't pregnant and didn't have the loving feeling others did and I felt terrible for it. But once I knew and could refer to her as wee woman or her name as we've now chosin it , it became so much easier and I do feel like I've bonded with my baby now x

Nousername2015 Sat 18-Jul-15 11:33:36

Thanks everyone, frills you completely nailed it with saying it helped you to think of it less as a pregnancy and more of a baby. I think that that mindset is exactly what I need and I'm sorry to hear you've had a tough time so far and I wish you the best for the rest of your pregnancy.
I think I'll bring it up with dh this weekend and suggest we book a private scan to find out as soon as we can, the reassurance will also be nice. Thanks again.

Gillian1980 Sat 18-Jul-15 11:36:53

No, I don't think it has for me really - well, no more than I would have without knowing.

I can refer to her as "she" and buy girlie stuff, but I'm still anxious about things possibly going wrong and I never use her name which we've had chosen for ages.

I love her with all my heart already but I think this would be the case even if I didn't know her sex. And I'm still terrified!

SoupDragon Sat 18-Jul-15 11:40:41

With DS1 we chose not to find out.
With DS2 I found out by accident at a late growth scan.
with DD I chose to find out at the 20 week scan.

I bonded exactly the same with each of them.

Brummiegirl15 Sat 18-Jul-15 11:48:00

I've had 3 mc's before this pregnancy and we've debated finding out the sex but have decided not to. Due to our traumatic journey we've decided that (should everything be ok) this will be our only child as can't put myself in the position of having to go through more losses.

So we love the idea of a surprise so we aren't finding out.

But I do completely understand that fear and I feel the same and I doubt it never actually goes away

Athenaviolet Sat 18-Jul-15 11:51:54

I can't imagine not knowing.

I don't like surprises.

As for bonding, I don't know.

Rosieliveson Sat 18-Jul-15 11:53:10

I'm not sure about bonding as such but as we knew DS was a boy and had named him, I found it really motivating during labour as the midwife could tell me that she could see x's head and that x was nearly here.
I've never given birth without knowing the sex though so can't make a direct comparison.

MrsGentlyBenevolent Sat 18-Jul-15 12:11:57

I really wanted to know, I think it was less about bonding, and more about alleviating anxiety (also had a mmc, any 'information' helped). My partner really wanted to know as well, he was leaning towards wanting a girl. He wasn't disappointed with being told it's a boy - but it did make the baby a reality, and helped him get him get an 'idea' of having a son. Both really excited about our little boy now, although the name bit keeps changing! I couldn't imagine 'not knowing', the only way it would have been a 'suprise' for me is if it turned out to be a puppy, not a baby wink.

Frillsandspills Sat 18-Jul-15 13:22:13

Good luck Nousename I think getting into that mindset was exactly what I needed and I'm sure it will really help you. I found with my private scan it helped me come to terms with having a baby more too as you have lots of time to see the baby on the screen, whereas at my hospital they didn't have much time to show you so I think it's well worth the money especially for ressurance. For me it's also made things seem quicker as instead of having 8 weeks to wait for the 20 week scan I could be like 'right, only 4 weeks til I can find out the gender then another 4 til I can have my 20 week scan' and I'm hoping at that point I'll feel less anxious if all is healthy. Setting milestones like that I think is a good idea I think, I try to think of something to look forward to every month even if it's just a midwife appointment and a chance to hear the heartbeat!

ThinkIveBeenHacked Sat 18-Jul-15 13:25:46

I didnt find out with the first and did with the second. Neither pregnancy did I feel bonded to the baby - I am an over thinker and whilst I am not an anxious person I was definetly subconsciously keeping quite detatched as pregnancy and birth is really quite dangerous.

I felt that the Pregnancy and the Baby (once born) are two separate things.

BigFoxLittleFox Sat 18-Jul-15 13:37:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scarednoob Sat 18-Jul-15 13:41:22

I never thought I'd want to know, but when it came to it, I needed to! I just want a healthy baby, but I did have a sneaky preference for a girl (I think because I lost my mum a few years ago), so I wanted to know. Whichever it was, I would have been thrilled, but it did help me to feel more connected to the whole experience. Which, when it's your first, can seem very unreal.

The funny thing was that my OH saw FEMALE at the top of the ultrasound machine and thought that meant it was a girl... Er no, that'd be ME who's female, you muppet!

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