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Is it selfish not to want to move in with your partner when you're pregnant?

(23 Posts)
U8myufo Mon 22-Jun-15 21:53:32

I guess this is the crux of my question. My scenario is that I am currently 13 weeks I found out I was pregnant at 9 weeks so have had about 3 weeks to get my head around it. I live in rural North Wales, have done for 7 years and my partner lives in Cardiff. Before finding out I was pregnant I had been under pressure to move in with him in Cardiff and frankly I had been putting it off and avoiding the discussion because I am just not a city girl at all. I love and value peace and tranquility, a safe rural environment and my garden and pets. I can manage my bills comfortably here and have a flexible working environment. I can't envisage myself living in a massive city.

So I am pregnant and just completely and utterly exhausted, to the point where I want to sleep every spare minute. I am trying to continue working without work suspecting as I don't want to inform them until after my scan. My work is very outdoorsy so this has been a challenge! Fortunately I have had no sickness so far so it has been easier to disguise than it would otherwise. And now my partner knows about the pregnancy the pressure he is putting on for me to move down there is immense! To the point where, I'm ashamed to say I have been avoiding him, because I just don't have the energy for a stressful heated 'discussion' which is what I am getting every time he calls me. I can feel that because I feel so run down I will end up caving in without proper thought longer term to where I actually want to bring up our child. If I move there I/our child will not have a garden and will not be able to take my pets (which breaks my heart), I won't do as much walking as I wouldn't feel safe, and I would be putting even more distance between me and my family, who are already 185 miles away from where I live now. Plus rent is astronomical in Cardiff for next to nothing. But I can see a train of thought that I may be being completely selfish by not wanting to move and that I should just put my baby and my partner first. I just feel in such a bad place right now what with everything. The thought of moving is just depressing me so much.

Is anyone else in a similar situation? Perspectives either way would be really handy. Thanks.

MissMartin10 Mon 22-Jun-15 21:58:56

sorry hun i have no experience but i understand ur situation i have a big garden and pets and wouldn't be able to sacrifice them to be honest .. is there no way he can move in with you instead?

meditrina Mon 22-Jun-15 22:05:47

Do not jack in a job and a lifestyle you bother like and can afford to become dependent on a man.

Unless you get a job lined up, thus keeping your financial independence, do not move. Or is there a wedding in the offing?

In which case, plan to move just after (not before) it.

bluewisteria Mon 22-Jun-15 22:07:05

I think your needs come first. Why is he immovable?

JesseandCeline Mon 22-Jun-15 22:07:29

Please do not move, not because you feel pressurised or guilty. Why should you feel guilty? Does he feel guilty to not move where you are?

I speak from experience. I moved. Not a dramatic move as yours but still I move I wasn't quite ready for it. I also said yes to a few other things only because I thought it'd be selfish not to. Madness really. I am far from cured from this habit but I can see clearer now.

You have your house, your pet, your life. Being pg and having a baby is stressful and hard enough. Your place sound idyllic, you sound like you know where you belong. Listen to yourself.

The tiredness will pass.

JesseandCeline Mon 22-Jun-15 22:08:48

Even if there is a wedding, can he not move?

StEdmundsPippins Mon 22-Jun-15 22:15:13

Your words under pressure says it all really. Pregnant or not, you need to do what is best for you, so listen to your inner self and think If you moved in with your partner .....

Would you simply be giving up your home, or a way of life?
Would you then need to travel further for your work?
Would you be happy and content?
Is it what you really want?

Why is he pressuring you so much? Does he want to 'look after you?' If so, why can he not move in with you, or at least move closer to you?

' The thought of moving is just depressing me so much '<<< and this says it all really.

I've counted approx 12 reasons you have given for not moving, but none for wanting to.

Next time he calls and tries to discuss this with you, just tell him that it's not something you wish to talk about now/ for the forseeable future/ever.

flowers and congratulations for you and your baby smile

ARV1981 Mon 22-Jun-15 22:16:16

Yeah, I agree with pp, you should stay put. If he wants to live with you he should move. Sounds like you'd have to give up way too much and to end up living somewhere you aren't happy with (e.g. city) is not something you need just before having a baby. You want to feel safe and secure with your little one, and that's not selfish at all!!!

bluewisteria Mon 22-Jun-15 22:18:37

I don't think a wedding gives anyone stability! Sorry, but I really don't. And what, you should sacrifice because you become a wife?!

I would be more worried by the fact it is assumed that you should move and that every discussion seems to become an argument about where you live. If you don't want to move that should be respected. If wants to live with you above all else then he can move.

Many, many congratulations on your pregnancy! Remember that a healthy, happy mama is what your baby needs most. Your partner should know that, and accept it. You shouldn't be stressed in your pregnancy if at all possible.

EvilSidekick Mon 22-Jun-15 22:18:52

Slightly different view point here. You are about to bring a baby into the world and I am assuming your partner is the father. Having a child is a huge step. You need to think about what is best for the child and each of you (you and dad). Do you want to be up doing all the night feeds etc living miles from your partner? Do you want to raise this child together? In my experience if you really love someone and want to be with them you don't mind moving. That should apply to him too. I think you have more fundamental issues here than where you live. If you're in a committed relationship it would be fairly usual to want to live together and raise baby together. If it's not a long term relationship and you don't see a future then of course you shouldn't up sticks and move for him. It sounds like you have reservations about your partner and that's the real reason you don't want to move. You need to decide if you want to be with him, then decide how you will parent this child. Then come decisions about where to live. You sound like you haven't thought through how hard being a parent is.

beavington Mon 22-Jun-15 22:21:44

Have you never discussed him moving in with you?

U8myufo Mon 22-Jun-15 22:23:18

Thanks for the replies. We aren't getting married for now anyway. He works in Cardiff so he is saying that he can't move up North because there would be no work but that the most important thing is that we are together and that I have to make sacrifices. He is really excited about the baby, which is lovely to see. He said that if I moved down, we could 'look at' moving somewhere more rural after a year, but what he calls rural and what I call rural are vastly different! Also, I can see that it could potentially end up with him saying in a years time that we can't move out of Cardiff because of his work and we might just become endlessly stuck there. It sounds like I am completely down on Cardiff which I'm not, its a great city for a shopping trip or night out. There's always lots going on. But that's also kinda my point ;-) Here though, I have no neighbours, I'm surrounded by fields and mountains so plenty of places to walk and explore and have adventures, and I have a fairly big secure garden. I really can't think of a safer area for a child to grow up. Also, his parents live on Anglesey so we would be away from both sets of grandparents by living in S Wales. Plenty to ponder on! Thanks again everyone I have thought about this until I have almost gone loopy so it is good to get some perspectives x

Socalled Mon 22-Jun-15 22:23:54

No, I think you'd be crazy to move in the circumstances, particularly as regards leaving a secure job just before going on maternity leave. He doesn't come across well in your OP - why is he putting you under so much pressure to move? Why hasn't he been considering moving?

U8myufo Mon 22-Jun-15 22:26:29

Thanks Evilsidekick for the other take on things. Very valid points indeed. I haven't thought through how hard being a parent is. I have no idea as I am 38, have no kids and hadn't planned to have any. It will be a steep learning curve I suspect.

Socalled Mon 22-Jun-15 22:27:48

X-posted with you, OP. Do you honestly see a future in this relationship? If you stay where you are, how is he planning to co-parent once the baby is born?

I think you're right to stay, but do you have a local support network? I had my son in London and the first few months were the most isolating of my life...

DirectorOfBetter Mon 22-Jun-15 22:32:38

You could live somewhere with no neighbours surrounded by fields within a 30 minute commute from Cardiff but I think you'd be better off staying where you are as that's where you want to be. I agree with a PP. He's not sounding too good from your posts. If you have a supportive family where you are, I'd stsy there tbh. He can visit at weekends until you know hiw the relationship will pan out.

Solasum Mon 22-Jun-15 22:38:30

See how you feel when the baby has arrived and until then sit tight. I spent a lot of time at home when DS was mini, it was our sanctuary. But equally, there were places I wanted to get to nearby that I could walk to. I can't imagine being stuck in a place I didn't want to live in and being sleep deprived etc

U8myufo Mon 22-Jun-15 22:40:43

Thank you. I guess I do have some doubts. Up until about last November he was showing some shady relationship behaviour and then all of a sudden everything changed and he loved me, and has been totally commited ever since. Like a different and much better person who shows me love and respect. But in the earlier days he treated me a like I was disposable. But I am open minded enough to think that people can change. I am divorced and I am just really cautious these days. so why did she have a baby with him? she didn't mean to, it was not planned... Perhaps, as has been suggested, it is less about location and more about 'us' x

Athenaviolet Mon 22-Jun-15 22:47:25

Don't move!

It is not in your or the baby's best interest for you to move in these circumstances.

He he is committed to fatherhood he will be putting his effort into looking for work near you. If he isn't even putting effort into this he isn't worth it.

beavington Mon 22-Jun-15 22:49:35

Can i just say that i lived very rurally before dc and loved it but i actually felt a bit of a prisoner when on mat leave with a newborn in winter. Never got on with a sling so just couldnt get anywhere with a pram. I yearned to be in a town to walk to baby groups etc. Ive found my happy medium now, everything is accessible and the rural wilderness i love is a very short drive away.

I suppose a city would be a bit extreme though.

Is your job less 'important' than his? Why is yours being disregarded yet his is a valid reason not to enter discussions on moving. You sound like very different people tbh.

U8myufo Mon 22-Jun-15 23:00:21

Thanks guys. Well my job is important as it would be the main income but I am home based (its nothing dodgy lol! I work in the environmental conservation sector) so this is why it hasn't been taken into account in discussions. Because my job would move with me, although my overall travel would increase as I would have a lot further to go to get to sites in N Wales. But I could plan my diary and plan to do them over the course of a few days for instance.

beavington Mon 22-Jun-15 23:03:59

Sounds like a good job!

Also sounds like the changes you would be required to make to continue it from S Wales might not be compatible with how you want things once the baby is born.

You sound like youre thinking clearer now though smile and congratulations flowers the tiredness will pass!

Momagain1 Mon 22-Jun-15 23:05:02

Do NOT move in with him in his place. If you are going to sort a compromise location, it needs to be done from the start. Even if the compromise is just as far from Cardiff as is possible for him to commute, but still not rural enough for you, a new 'our' place is better than 'his' place.

Do NOT leave your job and home without sorting future finances. The easiest and fastest way is a registry office marriage. The harder and more complex way is researching marital benefits, studying each others current finances and future prospects and having soliciters draw up suitable contracts regarding support and benefits and property, and making wills. But do not just drop your life and move in. You or the baby may end up in circumstances where you cannot return to work for longer than you expect, or ever, and if you are just housemates, he will have no obligation to support you.

You are already making physical and financial sacrifices, you are not obligated to sacrifice everything you have. He has to sacrifice more than room in a wardrobe and space for a cot.

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