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Should I keep this baby?

(23 Posts)
sophiedeana990 Sat 16-May-15 18:38:30

Hi all,

Basically I found out last night that I'm pregnant and judging by my dates I'm about 5 weeks. I am completely bewildered as to what I should do... I live with my OH, of whom doesn't know yet. I don't no where to start so please bear with me

I don't know where I stand in terms of abortion. The thought of it absolutely feels me with sadness as in all honesty, I wasn't careful enough last month! Even if I was, why should an innocent child suffer the consequences? However, I do accept that I am only 5 weeks and it's an embryo (for now).

I have a stable job (although just part time and in retail so the money isn't amazing), and I don't live with family anymore too. It's just I'm so young and I'm still in education Partner works full time but he's 21. I feel gutted in a way because I know if I put my foot down and said I'm keeping this baby, he'd back me 100%. It's just we both know a child isn't want he wants at this stage, and won't be for quite some time. There's so much he wants to explore and do without the financial and time-consuming burden on children.

The fact that I've said a termination would upset me probably rings red lights, but I spoke to a cousin and she said she still feels upset about her abortion (6 years ago) but is glad she did have one because her career wouldn't be where it is today if she didn't, she also has 2 children now.

Another big thing is this, two months ago I had a pregnancy scare and I made the stupid mistake of telling OH "I'm pregnant", instead of explaining that I could. I don't know why I done it, I just thought I was so much that I wanted him to mentally be prepared before I was. He was actually very happy at the thought of his own baby, then it turnt into his big mess because obviously I wasn't pregnant, he had to tell his family I was wrong and my mum had a long phone call with him, explaining she doesn't want to see me pregnant at 17, 18 or 21. She barged him about how good child free life is bluah bluah bluah.

Anyway can someone please advise me I feel sick with worry, I'm eve considering abortion and keeping it secret, that way everyone can carry on as normal.

Thank you x

HomeIsWhereTheHeartIs Sat 16-May-15 18:43:55

How old are you OP?

sophiedeana990 Sat 16-May-15 18:45:18

17 x

MagpieCursedTea Sat 16-May-15 18:49:14

Do you normally have a good relationship with your partner? I think you should speak to him. Only you can decide what's best for you but being able to talk it over with him should help.

mrsfazruns Sat 16-May-15 19:08:28

Only you can make the decision but you should do it with the support of your other half and family!! A baby doesn't mean the end of the world .... I had my first son at 13 years old and I have managed to get myself a good career and an amazing life ..... It took a lot of bloody hard work with blood sweat and tears but it's been worth it and I would not be without my son who is 18 now!!!!

Talk to your OH and make a decision from there!!! Xxxx sending my love and support xx

sophiedeana990 Sat 16-May-15 19:34:17

Hi all,

Thank you, yeah brilliant relationship with him.

MaccaPaccaismyNemesis Sat 16-May-15 19:44:35

Only you can decide. I had a termination when I was 18 and I have never forgotten and still grieve for my loss even though for me it was the right decision to make. Every April I think 'you would have been 'x' this year. I'm sorry sad.

aprilmoon Sat 16-May-15 19:49:12

I had my baby when I was in the first year of my degree, and continued to get a first class degree and a Master's, so don't assume you can't carry on with your education because of the baby.

I have an excellent well-paid career (and I'm at an advantage now because I have no worries about childcare now my DS is older, while my colleagues are off on career breaks/going part time). So you can't assume your cousin's career would have been held back if she'd made other choices, it all depends on how she would have coped with it.

You mention that you weren't careful last month and you'd had a pg scare before, so it might have been a subconscious response to disappointment on finding out that you weren't pg after all. You should have some counselling (impartial from a professional, not discussing with your boyfriend as he's too involved) to work out what you really want. Places like Marie Stopes can offer this, there is probably something free as you're so young.

mummyneedinganswers Sat 16-May-15 19:55:12

Sophiedean I can relate to you, I'm 19 and pregnant with my 5th pregnancy and previously had 4 miscarriages from age of 16 I'm still with the same dp since I was 16and at the start he freaked out I was16 he was 21 we were having problems getting people to approve of our relationship/age gap. But my miscarriages destroyed him it hit him worse than me and I still grieve for my loses every year but being pregnant now doesn't scare me although very much wanted my first two mc weren't. Its a thought call if u feel he would be supportive of your decision then that's a good thing but ultimately you need to tell him and the sooner the better.

Hope your okay whatever you decide xxx

TinyMonkey Sat 16-May-15 19:58:25

I also had a termination at 18 and, although it took me a little while to get over it and I still occasionally think of the child that might have been, I'm glad I chose that path.

I've just become a mother at the age of 40 and parenthood is wonderful, but relentless and knackering at the same time! I was lucky enough to have had a great time wheni was younger, I completed my education, travelled the world, and forged a career. I know that my life back then would've been much tougher with a child in tow and, frankly, a bit of a struggle. No way was I ready to be that selfless.

Ultimately though, only you and your partner can make the right decision for you.

Good luck.

orangutanhihio Sat 16-May-15 20:07:06

You are young but plenty of young people have children and are very happy and great parents. Think through your options and decide what's best for you, having children is hard at any age x

I had my little girl at the end of my second year of uni, she's just turned 1 and I'm about to graduate and have just started a well-paid full time job, so it isn't the end of the world but it's a tough slog - but SO rewarding and, for me, so worth it.

I echo another poster who asked whether this has possibly been a reaction to the scare you had? My pregnancy was unplanned, but in hindsight I wonder if we were careless with contraception, because I had a miscarriage six months before I got pregnant, and subconsciously had so many unresolved feelings over it. Counselling might help.

Your mum will react out of shock and hurt first, and may say things that will hurt you. Get some space to deal with the shock - I moved into a student house almost immediately after telling my mum; when we saw each other again after a week or so, things already seemed easier between us, and we could talk it over like adults (regardless of your age, start thinking of yourself as an adult now - you don't really get a choice when you're pregnant/have a baby!). If you have somewhere you can get away to while she deals with it and processes it in her head, it will reduce a lot of stress for you in the long run.

If you continue to university, there is a huge amount of help for student parents, including help with childcare costs so that you can carry on studying if you choose to.

Before you do anything, take a day or two to let it sink in. Find an antenatal club on here for your due date - search for January/February 2016 (can't figure out when you'll be due cos of bad maths!) - I joined one pretty much the night I found out I was pregnant and came on here panicking, and they have been invaluable. They never judged or patronised, they have just advised, guided and been endlessly supportive and caring, I still speak to them now and we're friends on Facebook, have met in person - I can tell them anything and they won't judge. It really is worthwhile.

Think about it, think about what you want to do, and don't let anyone else's opinions or feelings affect you. What your cousin did was right for her, it might not be right for you. What does your heart and your gut instinct tell you? It's seldom wrong.

Tell your OH before you talk to your mum about it - the support will be invaluable, and it will give him time to come to terms with the shock too. My OH dealt with it much quicker than I did and was my rock through the tough times, it sounds like you have a good relationship with him.

This has become a total essay now but if you need any more advice, please ask! smile

sophiedeana990 Sat 16-May-15 21:43:15

Hi all,

Told Mum and she was supportive and fine with it, although sh reassured me that under no circumstances would she leave her high flying career to help me whilst I'm studying/going to uni so I guess my career will be on hold for a good few years because 1. There's no one for the baby and 2. I dislike the idea of giving my child to child minder or childcare at any really young age (before age 3).

Carrying on with a chosen career path is all well and good if you've got the support network behind you.

sophie it is possible without. We're hours away from the nearest family members, it's just me and my OH who were both students and now he's still a student and I'm working - that said, if you've made the decision to take a break, you're doing what's best for you.

Figster Sat 16-May-15 22:27:10

Ok so only you know if termination is right for you but I would certainly be considering it at 17 with my life and multiple opportunities ahead of me.

there's nothing wrong with childcare for under 3's what's your intention re: money since your mother quite rightly isn't going to give up her life/career to support your life choices.

sophiedeana990 Sun 17-May-15 10:12:38

I don't mean to be argumentative, but I just don't see how it's possible without support, since OH works full time and that wouldn't change :/

Also, I don't see why I should seriously consider a termination just because I'm 17.. Of course I had a lot of single child-free stuff left to do but I also have lots of mummy stuff to do now, too. I don't see why a life should suffer, simply because it will 'inconvenience' myself.

I'm also not trying to be argumentative, I promise - you sounded slightly disappointed about putting things on hold, so I just wanted to show you that it is possible, even without a massive support network.

For us, it just took a lot of discussion and obviously, making the decision to put DD in childcare. It was really tough, as she was only 5 months old at the time, but I've never looked back - it meant we could continue with education/work, and she is the most sociable, happy little girl you'll ever meet because she's always been socialised.

If you are looking at studying, like I said - the financial support will enable you to spend the summers at home with the baby, while your OH works. That's what we did last year, and this year we've swapped over, so I'm working while he has DD.

You shouldn't feel you have to consider termination because of your age, but it isn't a walk in the park, and don't underestimate just how difficult it is - DD's first summer, I had PND and was dealing with it alone while OH had to work. We got through it, but it's so tough. I don't think anyone's telling you that you should have an abortion, just that it is an option and it is a perfectly valid one if it's what's right for you.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck.

mrsjskelton Sun 17-May-15 19:09:01

I think you have to look at it as it is still an embryo like you say... It's an easier choice now than halfway down the line. What does your heart tell you?

Hollymilli14 Sun 17-May-15 20:27:50

I think you just answered your own question by saying what you did in last comment OP. It seems your only thinking of a termination maybe because you feel disappointed in yourself and what family etc may think... Only you can make a decision and talk to your partner. But, its YOUR choice!!!! A baby doesn't stop you from doing anything that you want to do. Most time its down to yourself wanting it and working for your career. You can do anything you want to. I believe everything happens for a reason (silly but true) I ha a child young and was never maternal etc... But I wouldn't change her for the world. She's also never stopped me from doing what I want to do. That's down to can have just have to be strong and believe in yourself ��

There is alot of support out there and don't be afraid to ask.. Remember your not the first and certainly won't be the last. Do what is right for yourself and nobody else... Xxx

lauraa4 Sun 17-May-15 20:49:50

I have a couple of friends who have had children at 17/18 and I have friends who are having children in their 20's, then i also know people who have had children into their 30's. They are all brilliant mothers and their children have wanted for nothing. It depends on you and what you want to do with your life. A couple of my friends have had children and then gone back and done a degree. There's no right or wrong way to do things it's whatever works for you.

I had a termination at 19 which was very very tough and I punished myself for a long time. However looking back I was with someone that wasn't a very nice person and have realised over time that was the right decision for me. its now 5 years on I'm having a little boy in September and happen to be in a much better place. You'll figure it out x

cherryade8 Sun 17-May-15 22:21:32

Op I had my baby in my 30s following ivf treatment, I found it hard as I'd built up a career and so it was hard to step back then! There's no easy age to have a child, it depends on the person and when they get pregnant.

I adore my dc but I have worked part-time since age 1 as I found a lovely childminder. I agree childcare may not suit all or be ideal for all, but I had no family help and needed to provide financially. Good luck with the future smile

Focusfocus Mon 18-May-15 05:03:19

As hard as it may be, you need to keep in mind that a group of cells is it a baby.

And it's not a life that will suffer. Suffering involves physical or emotional pain, neither of which thus group of cells is capable of sensing or at all experiencing.

You are not responsible at the moment for a life of a baby , because there isn't a baby yet.

However, you are indeed responsible for a life - that's your own life, the life of a young person who is perfectly capable of experiencing the full range of emotions. So make your decision based on your life and what you want out of it and what will cause you less suffering. Becayse, if you keep thinking on behakf of a group of cells,my pup will end up ascribing a personality to it, an identity it simply doesn't have, and thus will make all decisions very hard and slightly skewed.

Focusfocus Mon 18-May-15 05:05:34

My pup? Wtf? That was meant to read "you might".

My pup has nothing to do with this. She is asleep on my husbands pillow.

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