AIBU to be bloody frustrated at the nurses attitude?- possible MMC

[Wetthemogwai]

I am. I know I am. But I am SO frustrated that after an emergency EPU scan there is still no solid evidence that the baby is ok and I think the sonographer has given me and DP false hope which (if I'm right) is utterly unfair!

Basically, we were sent to the EPU after a week of on/off bleeding. She couldn't get a clear enough view through the abdominal scan so went for an internal to get a clearer view. After about 10/15 minutes rooting around she began to say "well I'm afraid there's no...." Then laughed and said "oh there it is, I was about to write that one off!"

Baby is measuring 3 weeks too small and we saw 1 flicker of what could've been a heartbeat then we didn't see it again as she stopped scanning.

So

A) do NOT laugh when you're in the the middle of telling a woman her baby has no heart beat

B) don't describe it as 'writing it off'

C) wait around a few seconds longer just to see the heartbeat more than once!

Then we got to the nurse after who said as the baby was measuring 7 weeks we needed to amend my 12 week scan date (which I was expecting) so I contested it because I KNOW my dates are right because DP works away and as he told her, we could tell her to the hour it was conceived!
Thankfully she agreed to keep my scan date the same as before, if she'd have changed it it would've been a 6 week wait rather than 3!

I left the hospital feeling utterly frustrated and confused with no definite answer as to whether my baby is ok or not and not support from either nurse who's attitude seemed to be very 'well what do you want me to do about it?'

I probably am being unreasonable but that scan was meant to be reassuring and I've come away feeling more uncertain than when I went in. DP says we should take comfort from the fact she saw a heartbeat as she wouldn't have said it if she wasn't sure but I'm not convinced, she seemed to just want to get it done and onto the next one.

I just want to know what's going on and nobody seems to be able to/want to tell me :( I know you'll all say take comfort from seeing a heartbeat but I've seen heartbeats on scans before and hand on heart I don't think that's what it was. Is as what she saw and I honestly don't think it was a heartbeat.

This 3 weeks is going to be torchure. I can't afford a private scan and don't really want to go back to them :(

[Trooperslane]

Complain.

She sounds absolutely awful.

For you op x

[ShergarAndSpies]

That sounds like really shit service and care from the sonographer.

If it were me, I would take myself off for a private scan in a week. They aren't cheap - about £100-120 ish but for me it would be worth it.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. The not-knowing is awful.

[ShergarAndSpies]

Oh I'm really sorry, I didn't spot about you saying you can't afford the private scan.

[Mutley77]

Firstly a sonographer isn't a nurse - which it sounds like you are saying.

Secondly, I think she was probably highly relieved to see the heartbeat, hence the laugh (IMO could well have been a nervous / relieved - thank fuck for that - type of laugh). I mean if she had said there was no heartbeat - and had laughed / described the baby as "written off" that would be totally insensitive and inappropriate.

And to be fair I have had 3 live pregnancies (2 of which had early bleeding), one mmc and one "normal" mc. So I do have experience of what you're talking about (and send you all the best wishes in the world).

[Wetthemogwai]

Sorry mutely, MIL is a nurse trained as a sonographer. As the 2 women were dressed the same is assumed that was the case there too.

With DD (at a different hospital as we lived at the other end of the country) I experienced nothing but brilliant care. So far at this one I've not been impressed or even felt like my pregnancy mattered at all.

I've said from the start I wanted a home birth and if this pregnancy works out and all goes well then I'll be sticking to that. I told DP as we got in the car that our baby and our future babies are NOT being born there. It's had such a good reputation too :(

[Marnierose]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I didn't have the best care with my mmc but i do appreciate it's generally a horrible waiting game. I would expect them to prepare you for possible bad news if you are measuring significantly behind your dates.

It's so horrible so sending you lots of luck and love. I hope you don't have to wait too many weeks before you get an answer.

[Wetthemogwai]

Thanks marnie. I don't think she even thought of an MMC, just assumed I'd got my dates wrong. The stupid thing is that by the dates she's given me I'd already got the BFP! That's what really annoyed DP

[squizita]

She sounds awful BUT there are very good medical reasons why they always wait (always) and do a 2nd scan to confirm a MMC in the UK. In some other countries they don't and there are massive issues with women thinking 'what if' etc' and issues with incorrectly administered surgical/medical intervention. They can't pick and choose based on who seems the most 'switched on' and able to count: everyone has to wait.
It's horrible but there is a sound reason for it. In 10% or so of cases a HB is later picked up.

[Wetthemogwai]

It's getting to be a bit much now. I've had this ache on and off today, I wouldn't call it pain or cramps, just an ache like the one I get I'm the build up to my period.

I've completely detached myself from the baby and keep forgetting that I'm even pregnant.
It's got to the point where I'm worrying about it being a positive result at the 12 week scan and how I'm going to recover from it and regain some kind of positive relationship with the baby without crippling myself with worry or upset remembering these few weeks :s

[Wetthemogwai]

Thanks squizita, sorry I didn't see your reply.

Yea, I know there must be reasons behind it and I'd rather they were sure BUT not offering a scan a week after or even 2 is just torture

[BlueStarsAtNight]

I think that's awful. I had a mc a few months ago where I was scanned at 7 weeks and measuring 6 weeks. I told them I couldn't possibly be wrong on dates, and they gave me an appointment for a rescan in 2 weeks. That's the least they should do. As it happened everything looked ok on the rescan but I carried in bleeding and miscarried a week later. I know our epu won't scan again within a week, so I would say if you are still bleeding and getting cramps then call them up next week and tell them it has got worse and you need another scan. Or go to A&E!

[Wetthemogwai]

Thanks BLU, sorry you've got experience in this, I would wish it on anyone :(

I could try and get another appointment at the EPU, I know a week or 2 can make a big difference at this stage. I think waiting the 3 weeks is just delaying the enviable.

If it was just the one negative thing (lack of symptoms instantly overnight, bleeding, measuring small on the scan, hard to find heartbeat etc) then I think I'd be more positive but all together just seems too much for a little thing to overcome

[Metalhead]

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. I had a very similar experience in terms of baby measuring about 2 weeks behind my dates (which I knew were right as we only did it once that month!) and everyone just dismissing my concerns that something was wrong. Two weeks later I had a private scan as I couldn't wait another six weeks (!) and it was confirmed the baby had died. Those two weeks in between the two scans were almost worse than the actual mc as I was constantly swinging between hope and despair.

I really hope you have a better outcome, but from my experience I'd say you're right and it doesn't look good.

[Wetthemogwai]

Thanks metalhead, sorry you've been through this too.
I know I'm right and I know I'll find out soon enough but the wait is excruciating :(