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Advice on smoking friend

(13 Posts)
alita7 Tue 11-Mar-14 22:13:36

I'm 5+6 tomorrow and so I don't want to tell my friends yet, with most of the friends I have that smoke this isn't a problem, but I have one particular friend who I'm worried about.

She smokes in her bedroom and usually when I go and visit she smokes about 4 or 5 if I'm there the whole evening. I haven't seen her since I found out I'm pregnant but I don't want to go the whole 12 weeks not seeing her, until I can tell her.

She's a close friend and if it wasn't for her circumstances I would probably just tell her, but she has a recurrent miscarriage problem due to severe scaring on her uterus from a botched back street abortion when she was a teen and has never been able to carry to more than 14 weeks. She's a very close friend of my DP and I met her through him, and he had specifically asked me not to tell her until it is strictly necessary- she has lots of mental health problems and is currently slowly on the mend from a big episode (possibly partly caused by the birth of her nephew) so I worry that it would set her back a bit. She finds it very difficult to leave the house at the moment so I always go and see her (also we have my DSD living with us and she is worried if she was at ours then if she were to have a 'turn' when at ours she might upset/ disturb my DSD) - which means to see her I have to go sit in her room with her.

So what can I do?

5OBalesofHay Tue 11-Mar-14 22:18:46

I wouldn't worry too much, its not like smoking yourself, its probably no worse than the rest if the stuff we all breathe in if its not frequent.

ruth1104 Tue 11-Mar-14 22:23:08

What a tricky situation sad Congratulations on your pregnancy!! I think the most obvious thing would be to ask to meet up for coffees or something, somewhere that she wouldn't be allowed to smoke if that's a possibility? I don't actually know how high the risks are of being around a smoker though, are they so much that you wouldn't be able to see your friend for the whole 12 weeks? x

Mintymoomoo Tue 11-Mar-14 22:45:51

It should be fine, google daily mail smoking in pregnancy, I saw a report that's stated that smoking does not damage baby in first 4 months of pregnancy

alita7 Tue 11-Mar-14 22:56:37

I can't meet her anywhere else really unless I go food shopping with her or something but I'm not usually free that time of day :/ Part of her illness means she gets very anxious in public places so she doesn't go out unless she needs to.

Lol Minty I don't really trust the daily mail :P

I might just ask my doctor, although he's a very vague doctor and seems to know little about pregnancy (he told me, when he asked me to tell him any symptoms I'd had, that a runny nose has nothing to do with pregnancy- well I've spoken to many women on these and other boards who would beg to differ!).

alita7 Tue 11-Mar-14 22:57:58

Also just to add the other problem is not only am I worried about any harm to the baby, but also the smell makes me feel ill- I was stuck sat next to a smoker in a very crowded doctors waiting room earlier and I nearly heaved and he wasn't actually smoking at the time!

IglooisnowinSheffield Tue 11-Mar-14 23:03:18

You sound like a very caring friend. If think the chances it causing harm to the baby are very slim but from a nausea point of view it will be difficult. Does she have a garden? It's getting more like spring perhaps you could suggest sitting out?

Or lie and say you are on an antibiotic for a chest infection and don't want to aggravate it? This could buy you a few weeks?

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

alita7 Wed 12-Mar-14 09:32:09

Thanks igoo she does have a garden so that might be an option if it warms up in the next week or so, though she might then say no anyway :p the chest infection thing might work, will have to work on my pretend coughing!
Although I bet shed guess from something like that.

Cupcake11 Wed 12-Mar-14 09:45:49

I understand your problem but there's no way I'd sit in a confined space with someone smoking. It's not good for you so I'm pretty sure it can't be good for your baby either.
If it were me I'd only go with the garden option if you were prepared to tell her the truth or have another back up if she refused.
Obviously there are lots of women who drink and smoke not knowing they're pregnant and their babies are fine but now is the time to put you first, not your friend. Sorry if that sounds harsh but if you're like me you'd only worry about it for ages afterwards!

squizita Wed 12-Mar-14 11:58:24

I think you're being a little over worried. I've already advised you on another thread about why this cycle of worry might be OP, and how it can utterly grip your life.

My main worry would be feeling sick from the smell. Seriously it smells vile to me when Im pregnant, makes me gag.

Here's why I think a meeting with her should be OK:
-I suffer from a recurrent miscarriage condition and my pregnancy is high risk
-My DH smokes (in ONE room in the house, door shut window open). He is giving up using electric cigs but...
-I had a specific meeting about this with my consultant and specialist MW someone who specialises in protecting vulnurable pregnancies and he was not too worried even with the smoking in 1 room. He said just keep out of that room most of the time, but if you go in there sometimes it's OK.

DH is now giving up so it's under the bridge now, but I thought I'd share that.

squizita Wed 12-Mar-14 12:01:32

...just read you have the gagging thing too. Hmmmmm..... no way to avoid it except perhaps being out in the garden?

22honey Wed 12-Mar-14 19:47:55

Can't see how this is a smoking issue, sounds more like an issue with you telling your friend who can't have kids about your pregnancy?

If you don't like her smoking in her own house don't go round. Christ on a bike, not only can the poor woman not have children but shes to be expected to not smoke in the comfort of her own home because someone else is pregnant?!

Being in the house of a smoker once in a while is nothing compared to commuting in built up polluted areas on a daily basis.

I struggle to believe someone would 'worry immensely' because they were around a smoker for a small amount of time during pregnancy. Some of us have had no choice but to LIVE with several heavy smokers who refuse to go outside etc for the first 4 months of our pregnancies and our babies are STILL fine.

Sorry if this doesn't sound very sympathetic but some women become pregnant with no control over the environment they LIVE in and do not worry to this extent. If your over 35 your age is a bigger risk than this. If you are obese your weight is a bigger risk than this.

summerbaby2014 Wed 12-Mar-14 20:01:29

It is a tricky situation. If it were me I just wouldn't go round. She has asked you not to tell her so logically she shouldn't ask too many questions about why you're not going. This may mean not seeing her much if she doesn't want to meet you elsewhere but it'll become clear in the end.
Of course this is the advice of a non-smoker who doesn't like people smoking on me even when I'm not pregnant!

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