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3rs pregnancy, unsupportive partner, need a rant:(

(15 Posts)
elesx Mon 09-Dec-13 21:35:32

I'm pregnant with 3rd baby, just found out a week or so ago..
I have 2 daughters with him ages 4 and 2..
He has 2 children from a previous marriage ages 8 & 12
He has his other children every other weekend from early Saturday morning to 7-30 at night on Sunday! Then sometimes sees them on his weekends in between...
He works very long un sociable hours which I respect and appreciate but I, thinking.. What about me???
Me and my daughters are home on our own most days and I love having them they're my best friends and were so close! I have great routines for them and do school run every morning which is great!
When our youngest wakes up at 7am (which is a good time) he covers his ears so he can't hear the noise, weather he's been working late or not! If he's here in the evening which is rare, and our youngest wakes up, he lets her come down stairs where as I always put her back to bed to give her the message of bedtime.. He completely gives the wrong messages!! And the opposite if what I'm trying to achieve. It breaks me and makes me upset. I'm the one bringing them up 24-7 (I do love it) so I want my ways respecting and him joining with me!

On top of that, on the weekends is children come, I cook all the kids, me and him our dinners, keep the house tidy and pick up after everybody all weekend, do the food shop on my own with our daughters and to be honest I'm feeling so emotional. I just want to cry, I'm not a robot I'm. Human being and I'm not super woman!! We only have a small 2 bedroom house so his children sleep on the sofa when they come which I HATE because its so dossy and messy!! sad they don't go home till late when I want the girls settled nd in bed, when this baby comes in the summer... I really a, not going to want hectic long weekends with a house full.. And when I'm heavil pregnant. I want to be thought of more! I don't need it all at the minute it's too much. When I cry he says what you crying for now? ??? When I just want a hug and be listened to!!!

I smile everyday to the world and for my beautiful girls but inside I just wana sit and sob!! I know it's my hormones but surely it shouldn't be like this it should be my time now to be looked after a bit? And am I being selfish about how it is when his children are here...

Any advise or ladies feeling the same would be very appreciated! X

Spaghettinetti Tue 10-Dec-13 13:04:04

:-( Big hugs to you. I think you need to have a long talk with your partner. I think he really needs to do more for you. Have a good think about the points you want to get across to him and think about how you are going to coney them without it sounding like you are ranting/attacking him.

He does have a commitment to his other children, but he needs to share some of the burden of housework/shopping etc with you. Maybe he could take the kids shopping to give you a bit of me time. Maybe you could watch a film with the kids while he does some of the tidying can't be expected to so it all, even if he does work all hours and brings home the bacon. And talking of bacon, why not go out somewhere cheap for lunch/dinner when his kids visit, rather than you doing the cooking/washing up etc? Tesco club card points and voucher codes make this much more affordable...

In addition to talking to him and him hopefully helping out a bit more, perhaps you can think of ways to make it easier for yourself. If you've got to do the cooking, cook lots one day and reheat the next and encourage the kids to help. Perhaps his kids could help you a bit, by doing the odd chore for pocket money or a treat (e.g., going to Pizza Hut).

You also need some grown up time...maybe you could have a 'date night' and get a friend or relative to look after the girls. You don't have to go out...just make the time count...

I really empathise with you and hope that you'll be able to convince him that he needs to step up. When my DH is playing up, I threaten him with wife swap...and he soon gets his butt in action!

Spaghettinetti Tue 10-Dec-13 13:04:56

Coney - convey...d'oh!

elesx Tue 10-Dec-13 14:35:40

Thank you for you repy and advise!
Wife swap made me laugh!!

I've tried to speak to him etc and he huffs and brushes me off...
I've told him when I am near my due date and when if had baby, I want some peace n quiet in the house and. Don't want a house full of kids straight away, so I think his children sleeping over will need a rest of that for a few weeks whilst I adjust but he doesn't listen...
I agree wi everything you've said, but he says its my role to look after the children and his role to go to work!
I read loads of stories about happy partners bringing flowers and cuddles when they hear they're girlfriend/wife is pregnant... I get nothing sad
Doesn't even ask how I'm feeling etc! Life just goes on as normal.. sad
I'm glad if got my little girls to keep me happy and excited! Thankyo so much for replying x

puntasticusername Tue 10-Dec-13 17:50:53

Wow. I'm sorry but he sounds...just awful. Good advice from spaghettinetti there about how to talk to him about it.

Good luck, I hope you manage to sort things out and get more of the support you need.

elesx Tue 10-Dec-13 18:15:20

I've tried to talk to him and he didn't take any of it well at all.. I feel like having a good cry. I don't know which way to turn.. He said I'm un bileavable and can not understand anything I'm feeling.
sad maybe it would be best to be a single parent x

puntasticusername Tue 10-Dec-13 20:24:54

Ok. I've had a bit more of a think now.
It sounds as if you are both incredibly busy and probably stressed out. Your partner works very long hours and sees his elder children a lot too, which in itself is great, but I bet he doesn't feel he has much energy to spare to do anything more right now, which might account for his unsympathetic responses when you've tried to talk to him.

Re having his kids to stay after the birth of your next child - just a random thought, but as it'll be summer is there any chance they could camp in the garden rather than sleeping in the house? Assuming you have a garden suitable for camping in. I don't know if that would work for you and obv it doesn't address the daylight hours, but just a thought.

I think it would help if you looked at the way you both parent and tried to agree more on eg the way you handle night time wakings. At the moment you're saying you want him to do everything your way as you're the one who does the majority of the parenting...but you're also saying you want him to help you more with the kids. I don't think you can have both of those things at once. As parents you aren't going to agree on everything, and if you want him to do more with the kids there will have to be some discussion and compromise about how you both do things. They are his kids too!

I mean don't get me wrong, I quite agree he is doing the wrong thing getting your littlie out of bed when she wakes up of an evening, but at the moment you're coming across a bit "it's my way or the highway", which I doubt will be the best way for you and your partner to find the right ways forward for all of you.

When you talk to him again, I'd be very specific about what you want to change eg for him to come home early from work one night a week and put the kids to bed; cook one family meal a week (or buy takeaway) - and most importantly, give him a chance to talk too and be prepared to listen to things that he may also want to change. I think you're going to have to be ready to meet him halfway on some things.

elesx Tue 10-Dec-13 20:32:23

It's never my way it's always his way... I make his childrens food three times a day on weekends, I wash and iron they're clothes, I run they're baths, keep the house nice for everybody, on top of the same for my own children. I'm worn out and pregnant as well. And I've done it for years. I wants some normality back. Everyone expects too much of me I feel like a robot

puntasticusername Tue 10-Dec-13 21:20:40

I hear you. And yes, I'm not saying for a moment that I don't think you're entitled to want things to change. But as you've already found, it's not going to be easy, and it's not simply a matter of persuading your partner to do more than he already is.

Sorry if this is going too far but...I'm getting the feeling that you generally like things done the way YOU like them done? I have to admit, I'm a bit the same way! However, if you want help with things, that means letting go of "your way" a bit and accepting that others will do things differently. And that actually, a lot of the time that's fine. Just different. Sometimes it will involve some extra effort in the short term, but for a long term pay off. For instance, get the older kids helping with the cooking - yes, for a while they'll make a right royal mess of it and you'll think you were mad to let them in your kitchen, but in a few months they could be cooking YOUR dinner rather than the other way around!

Also, but related, have a bit of a think about everything you do for the others. Do you actually need to be doing all of it? For instance you said you run the older children's baths - couldn't they do that themselves?

Is any of this remotely helpful to you? I hope so!

puntasticusername Tue 10-Dec-13 21:25:06

Sorry, I keep constantly rethinking this thread smile

How much of what you do is specifically done because your partner thinks it's what you should do? I know he feels he's doing enough himself but would he be supportive of you getting the kids to help out more, or does he literally see everything domestic and child related as your job, to be done alone without complaint?

elesx Tue 10-Dec-13 22:15:37

Hmmmm... Well if I got his kids doin jobs etc he'd think I was an evil witch! I don't want any help bringin my girls up I'm fine and happy with that everyday. It's e hectic weekends. I suppose a part of me does like things my way, but I'm a woman! smile
I have tried everything for his kids... I've introduced them to all sorts of food ha we eat etc...

This is how bad it gets: if I make something simple like spaghetti bolognese they will pick all the tomatoes, onions, mushrooms etc etc out of it and throw it away in front of my little girls. It's teaching my little girls the opposite of how if taught them. And they're 8 and 12. I wonder why I bother.
I'd love to have input in his kids life's and in trying but any suggestions I make when they're here, he hates and says I'm horrible. For example - his 8 year old son goes on call of duty on x box which is an 18 rated violent game! Where you kill each other.. He's on it All weekend in front of my 2 and 4 year old... I've told my partner I don't want it on anymore it's not good for him and I don't want the girls seeing and hearing things like that and he said I'm pure evil and I'm spiteful to his children and take away what they enjoy?????? I'm honestly fighting a loosing battle to where I'm thinking of being a single parent. I've taught my girls such lovely manners and respect and kindness they're so close, loving and good and I'm so proud and I don't want that ruining.. It's hard to explain. X

puntasticusername Wed 11-Dec-13 01:52:36

Ok, I'm reverting to my original opinion. He sounds awful!

I can't help hoicking the judgy pants just a tiny bit at a parent who lets an 8yo play CoD. Ffs.

Otherwise, it doesn't sound as if your partner supports you at all as a step parent or as his partner in any way.

What do you want to do, do you think?

Spaghettinetti Wed 11-Dec-13 08:13:26

I've just woke up and thought I'd check this thread again. I posted as if these were pretty 'normal' circumstances, but after reading everything else you've written can see that your partner is a bit of an arse. If you're that wicked and evil, why is he with you? I'm sure that there are 'faults' on both sides, but if you want this relationship to work, it might be worth seeking guidance from a relationship counsellor... I'm not sure if the NHS provides this...Relationships need to be built on love, trust and respect and as an outsider, who's only heard your POV, I'm not seeing any great respect for you or your feelings.

flymo79 Wed 11-Dec-13 09:24:43

Hi - read this thread and felt the need to jump in. I agree with Spag and puntastic - your partner sounds as though he's not only not supportive, he is actively horrid. Saying you're evil would be an absolute deal-breaker for me, and I think it's time you put your foot down. Go on strike. He would quickly realise how much you do for him and put up with. Is there someone you could go and stay with for a while? I hate to say it but someone with that kind of attitude is like that because they know they can get away with it, he needs to know that hurting your feelings is not going to wash any longer.

TobyLerone Wed 11-Dec-13 16:16:18

Why don't you leave him? You're not happy.

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