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I want the baby, he says I am irresponsible :(

(16 Posts)
Educateme Tue 21-May-13 09:41:07

This is my first post, please be gentle.

Lots of (consensual) unprotected sex= pregnancy

The father of the child has now said I am manipulative, and will ruin both of our lives, and should definitely have an abortion. He says I do not understand what it means to have a child. In short, he will probably not be involved in any way. This is not what I had been led to expect at all.

Although I am very scared, I am also excited, and I want to keep the baby. I am about 7 weeks at the moment.

I have a full-time job in London, which will allow me to be flexible around a child, I have family around who will help me, and while money will be tight and I will have to move to a cheaper flat, it is definitely manageable for me to afford childcare in the days I will need to work.

I will not be the first of my friends to have a baby. The one friend I have confided in is confident in my ability to do it.

I guess I really just wanted to check that I have covered everything in my decision to proceed with the pregnancy. Obviously, I did not dream of being a single mother, but I know of plenty of very happy single parent families (I am from one myself), but since I feel I can give the baby the love and care it needs, and can afford it, I do not think his cold feet would be a reason not to carry on.

Is there something I have forgotten to think about? Please help!

beth27123 Tue 21-May-13 09:53:31

Well he has no choice but to have involvement! He is legally bound to pay for this child and if he didn't want a baby he should have put something on the end of it. I think you'll make a brilliant mum from what you've said, so stuff him! Good luck.

rosiedays Tue 21-May-13 09:59:59

didn't want to read and run. A very well thought through post. looks like you've got it covered and are thinking very clearly to me. I was in your situation 25 years ago and thought things through much the same way.
Being a single mum is hard but not impossible at all. It's also SO rewarding. My Grandmother used to tell me about how many single mums there were after the war.
congratulations and good luck. flowers

BabyHMummy Tue 21-May-13 10:12:06

Congrats on both the pg and the ability to be so rational!

From everything you have said you will be brill and clearly thought it thru and as pp said he has no choice over financial involvement.

His reaction could just be shock and he may come around but it takes 2 not to use contraception so he is just as "irresponsible" if this wasn't the outcome he wanted or expected

Hope you are ok xx

burberryqueen Tue 21-May-13 10:15:10

you sound far from 'irresponsible' and i wish you all the best.
actually if anyone is 'irresponsible' it is him, did he not know the likely end result of lots of consensual unprotected sex? Silly little man.

HeffalumpTheFlump Tue 21-May-13 11:00:04

Congratulations OP, so sorry to hear you have been let down by someone who seemed reliable. It sounds like you have no reason whatsoever to have an abortion, you sound like you have it all under control! I'm glad to hear you have lots of support around you, as it makes it less important that he is involved. At the end of the day he is legally obliged to contribute financially, but the rest will be his loss. Good luck, I'm sure you will be fine smile flowers

drcharliegirl Tue 21-May-13 11:15:41

No one can pressure you to have a termination - and those worth keeping would never try. It's about the lowest thing a guy can do to suggest to his vulnerable hormone-ridden partner who has had a shock that she would be a bad mother.

Your post is mature and considered. You are more than capable of being a great mum. Focus on your health and the health of your baby and get all the support you can from people who you love and trust.

Good luck and congratulations!

RJM17 Tue 21-May-13 11:20:18

You do not sound irresponsible to me and sounds like u have really thought things through and have a good plan for you and your baby.
If you want this baby then do not let him talk you out if it because he can't cope (if he didn't want a baby he should have used protection) because you will regret it in the future if you do something you don't want to.
I really hope you get sorted and are happy with your baby.
Congratulations and good luck xx

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Tue 21-May-13 11:24:31

You do not sound irresponsible. You sound like you have carefully considered this.

He, otoh, baffles me.

He had unprotected sex. What did he think was going to happen?

I can't believe he can have sex with you, choose to use no protection, knowing you were using none, and then call you manipulative.

You got pregnant at him to ruin his life. If you were a better less manipulative person, the unprotected sex he had with you could not have resulted in a pregnancy?

He's not too bright, is he?

Educateme Tue 21-May-13 11:34:03

Thank you so much for all your responses. It is really nice to know that I am not just being utterly irrational and hormonal!

Baffled is the right word, ImTooHecsy. Because he is exceptionally bright, ordinarily. Plus he is a doctor, so is not exactly unaware of biology. Ah well. :S

At the moment every twinge I am just worried something is going wrong, but when I stop feeling sick I get worried as well. I can't win!

drcharliegirl Tue 21-May-13 11:36:04

If he is a doctor his behaviour is abhorrent.
He must also be old enough to know better (at least 23/24).

I'm shocked and disappointed but hope he sees sense for your sake.

Stay strong and do what's right for you.


Educateme Tue 21-May-13 11:37:32

He is 31.

froubylou Tue 21-May-13 11:43:53

I've been there and got the T-shirt and an adorable, much loved well brought up 8 year old daughter to show for it.

Being a single parent is hard. But so is being a parent full stop. My ex decided when I was 8 weeks pregnant that it wasn't for him,the fecker even booked me an appointment with some advisery place to discuss my 'options' and tricked me into thinking the appointment was to discuss my maternity rights. That was it for me.

We trundled along in an on again/off again relationship until DD was 3 months old when I decided enough was enough. And you know what? It was so much easier being on my own with my baby than with a no good waste of skin who I could never forgive for wanting her aborted. He's a good dad now in his own way (though financially I have never had a penny from him) but he does have a pretty good every other weekend relationship with her.

My point after all this rambling is that you can and will manage alone. I managed to work 3 full days a week with her in nursery from being 6 months old, and now I could (if I had to) work full time.

I'm currently 9 weeks pregnant with my new finacee with a much wanted pg. But at the back of my mind its not how I will cope with another baby I worry about. Its dealing with DF and new baby that worries me lol.

It is easier and cosier on your own sometimes I think with a new baby to care for. You attention can be exclusively focused on them rather than adding an OH to the mix as well.

Go for it. And if he's a Dr at least the CSA payments shouldn't be too shabby either.

drcharliegirl Tue 21-May-13 11:46:15

I'm going to guess that there's some subtext here that means that a child is particularly tricky. If he has a family already or another partner I can imagine he's freaking out.

It does NOT excuse his insensitivity or behaviour though. As everyone else has said - it takes two to tango. He knew sex was unprotected. That's biology 101. Pregnancy follows...mostly.

Confront him, then give him time to think and if he doesn't sharpen up his act then go it alone and know you're better off without help from such an individual.

MrsApplepants Tue 21-May-13 11:55:36

Congratulations on your pregnancy, hope all goes well. You don't sound in the slightest bit irresponsible, seem to have thought things out carefully. Him on the other hand...

Quangle Tue 21-May-13 12:00:34

nobody really understands what it is to have a child, until they have one. It can really knock you off your foundations. But you know that and you sound really up for it. I am a single parent and yes it's the hardest thing you'll ever do but also the best. Good luck and congratulations!

PS, shame about him...

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