Hubby being an A*S - moany email(21 Posts)
So i am 11 weeks with an unplanned pregnancy. took hubbie some time to get used to it and was doing fine about it til recently.
Past few days he has been really grumpy with me and snappy and when i argue back he starts throwing the 'your so hormonal' at me,. Which im not being hormonal but ofcourse if you say that to me, im going to get agitated.
So last night, he is grumpy about what i made him for dinner and grumpy about not stacking the dishwasher corretly ( i do all the jobs in the house btw).
I get into bed exhausted and turn off my light and he says he wants to go to a music festival- so i will be 6 months pregnant by then,and he wants us to camp.
So i said, not a good idea we dont have the money to do that , we need to save for the baby and me not working for a year (dont live in the UK, we live in Middle East so no child benefits etc).
He said i was being selfish, that i dont think of him> since the pregnancy all i focus on is the baby and my life is now perfect and his life isnt now and why cant we do this whcih will make him happy before his life changes forever!!!!!
SO i got angry saying that its not my fault im pregnant and its unfair what he is saying.
Huge row, i burst into tears.
then he comes down and says - so are you calm now to talk!! What a wanker.
Then says that once the baby comes his life is changing and i should be more awre of his needs for these 9 months - i said and who is taking care of what i want? do you really give a crap that you 6mth pregnant wife is gonna go camp for a week so you can enjoy a festival of which i dont enjoy the music. Then he called me selfish for not coming!
Why are men so f8cking stupid and annoying?!?!?
Sorry that your dealing with this! Was he against having a baby in first place? Perhaps it's a shock - the news of pregnancy!? Let him go on the festival on his own! I don't think camping personally is appropriate for a pregnant person! And he is selfish to even ask u to consider it! Sorry not much help!
HopefullA, so sorry you're having to put up with this at what is already a very stressful and tiring time.
I'm in the Middle East too,whereabouts are you? I have to say I get very envious when I read chats on here about maternity leave and pay, knowing what we have to deal with here
Personally I'd rather chew my hands off than go to a festival - but each to their own.
I'd encourage him to go and stay at home enjoying a few day's p&q. Life is going to change, my baby was born 1 day into my ML so I feel a bit cheated about my "me" time - an unplanned pregnancy probably had you both feeling the same way.
Child benefit is fuck all so don't go feeling envious about that. I understand it's going to cost him to go back to the UK but can he swing flights on an expat package?
You will surprise yourself at how cheap a baby is. I presume you're "doing ok" financially right now so you may as well have a blow-out before everything's different.
Yes he's being an arse talking to you like that.
Nope he wasnt against a baby but the plan was for next year and so its scuppered a few plans, mine included as now wont get a promotion in job etc. Took him a few days to cope with the idea but has been quite good about it and is picking names and being sweet but obviously not enough to help me out etc!
Kelly- im in Dubai with just 45 days of paid leave and thats it. Nightmare!!!!
Men aren't so stupid and annoying - he is. What an arse.
He's acting like a petulant child, just what you need to see in a man who is going to become a parent. It's all about him, isn't it - no thought for you, you know, the one who it's changed for ALREADY, the one who already has full responsibility for your lovely baby, the one who won't really be comfy in a bed most nights at 6m, never mind on an air bed in a tent, in summer, with drunk people falling over you and music blaring out when you're exhausted!
I think you need to address this thing of you doing all the jobs or youll still be doingbit all when youre heavily pregnant and when the babys here
hopefullA, i'm in dubai too! agreed it's an absolute nightmare re: maternity leave.
also my company gives the worst medical cover ever so it doesn't cover maternity and we're having to pay for this ourselves, as i'm sure you know, this costs an arm and a leg! if you ever want to chat to let off steam or have a coffee, just let me know. my husband has been a little challenging too... and it's really not easy working here and being pregnant.
It sounds like this man needs a large shot of empathy before anything else happens.
With my DH, I realised that he needed something physical to help him to feel more involved in the pregnancy part of parenting. He was very supportive of me, but I spent
my life a reasonable amount of time each day reading books on pregnancy, preparing my nest for the baby, googling every twinge. He could just sit there, putting up with an awful lot of mother henning from me. So I got him a book. 'Fatherhood' by Marcus Berkman is the one he read. It is written by a dad, for dads. It deals with all the stuff they need to get their heads around, but in a blokish way IYSWIM.
I'm not saying this will solve your problems. Far from it. But it might help.
Tell him to go with a pal instead!
I don't see why he can't go...but you don't have to!
As an asides from that he sounds very selfy. Like he's your firstborn? He thinks you need to spend your pregnancy thinking about his needs does he? Very telling. What's the bets he's going to think his needs come first after the baby comes as well.
Alatm bells OP - sorry. He sounds a self indulgent baby.
Yeah i told him he was being so childish and demanding. he said i was being unreasonable for not thinking of him!! Nightmare.
Im so upset still by the whole fight, feel so fragile!
I told him to go with his friends but he wants to go with me etc - i cant win! I really dont want to go, its fine when im not pregnant but cant picture needing to pee a zillion times and having to climb out of the tent etc. Ugh.
He said he knows that in Nov when baby is here he will have to focus on me while i care for the baby (already told me he wont change nappies or sleep in room if baby cries--- swear to god il be driven mad by him) but he wants these 6 more months to be about him etc.
He wasnt too upset this morning or thought he should do somethign nice for me - instead i had to make brekkie fro the two of us and then go to office.
Kelly- would be great to meet up for sure!!! Dubai is mental and it costs a fortune to have a baby here so i feel your pain with no insurance!
Sorry to say this but you're going to end up resenting him big time! If he refuses to help with the baby this argument is going to be the first of many! I wonder whether you should use a shock tactic on him like telling him you've decided that if you don't have his support you don't think you can stay with him. The baby will strain your relationship if you're not a close team so better to try to fix this now!
Festival sounds like hell! I got sciatica from sleeping in an uncomfortable bed at my sil's house when i was heavily pregnant and it's almost 4 years on and still flares up when I vacuum! Not to mention the toilet situation at those things!
Good luck and I hope he sorts his attitude out! I feel your frustration! x
Tbh he sounds like a spoilt only child or youngest who finds out Mummy's expecting another baby and feels dislodged. So stamps his foot and demands more attention.
I wouldn't indulge him any more than you do normally. In fact as your pregnancy advances there may be a shift in attitudes and co-operation generally. He's going to have to man up and act like an adult who fathered a child once your baby arrives. He says he'll help come November but the baby doesn't just develop and pop out without causing you some inconvenience. Last thing you want is selective deafness or sudden squeamishness when asked to lend a hand.
Think of those poor women who have perpetual morning sickness throughout their pregnancies. Do you think he'd step up and be supportive if you suffered that? Doesn't sound like it. The surprise pregnancy caught both of you out and I assume you're not lounging around asking him to peel grapes and stop the earth going round the sun so you can have constant sunshine? Last thing you want to do is to encourage the idea you have to make it up to him for falling pregnant sooner than planned. It took two!
At the risk of being flamed i think you are both being pretty childish about this.
First off you need to sit down and discuss what you both want from this.
He cannot dictate what he will and won't do regarding childcare as you both created this and have to take responsibility for it but you need to accept that he has fears too and needs reassurance like you.
Both your lives are going to change and yes taking some time in the next few months to enjoy the things you won't be able to do once junior comes along is a great idea. But compromises need to be made.
Camping at a festival is not a great idea But are there alt accommodation options...caravan or something that would mean you are comfortable and nr a non scummy loo and he can still go to the festival with you?
Is there a cultural difference between you that makes him behave this way?
Throwing temper tantrums at each other is just going to end up driving a wedge between you and will result in you both being miserable and resentful
Well he can't bloody well force you to go to a festival if you don't want to go...particularly as you will be so pregnant at the time. He's being tidiculous. Utterly selfish and immature.
He's so ridiculous, he is tidiculous apparently!
He said he knows that in Nov when baby is here he will have to focus on me while i care for the baby (already told me he wont change nappies or sleep in room if baby cries--- swear to god il be driven mad by him) but he wants these 6 more months to be about him etc
You are in for a shit time with this guy OP. To put it bluntly.
He is never going to make it about you or the baby. It will always be about him...and what's more, his sense of entitlement is likely to escalate. I am warning you....but with kindness.
This guy will make you miserable. He thinks he owns you.
Frankly? He sounds childish. And it's unlikely he'll grow up in the next 6 months - this will only get worse, as the many threads on here attest.
I camped at 6m pg (ds is a Nov 12 baby) BUT i wanted to go, was surrounded by friends and enjoy camping - looking forward to taking my 10mo this year. I also had nearby access to proper toilets!
Make sure you know exactly what your rights are once the baby's born. Have you considered coming back to the UK (or your home country if not the UK) to give birth and be near family? That way, if he carries on being a wankweasel at least you have options...
congrats on your pg!! but what a total knobjockey!! (your oh not you lol)
he is being a selfish arse and you need to nip this in the bud now. some of the threads on here make my blood boil at how these man-children seem to think they can treat their wives/partners!! fking disgrace!
im also pg with my first and it was a total shock to the both of us, took us both a few weeks to come to terms with it, but, now we have and we are both very excited and looking forward to meeting our baby and in no way is my dp expecting me to pander to 'his needs'.
think he you need to give him a choice, shape up or ship out. expecting you to camp out at a festival?? while 6mths pg?? fking come on, seriously?? expecting you to run after him
and continue to do so after babys born?
Thanks ladies for the comments.
As to the poster who said i was also being childish- felt that was a little harsh since my post did say it was moany!
Anyway me and hubbie sat and chatted about things and he is ok again, less sulky. His way of taking care of me was to stop at shop, call me to ask what can he pick up for me to make for dinner hahaha.
Thats just his way, always has been like that for 8 years. it is a cultural thing as we are from different parts of the world but its fine.
However, he did say that when the baby comes, he will take care of me more, ( get a maid to do the cleaning - a dubai thing before you jump at me) as he has never and will never do the house chores (part of his upbringing i kid you not- i blame his mother).
So, he is being very sweet and nice again, so maybe he just felt a little left out and thats fine this one time.
However he hasnt acknowledged that he was out of line but hey, cant change it all over night.
He is excited for the baby, dont get me wrong, keeps calling him by his chosen name and at night he rubs my belly. Think he just didnt realise the impact it would have on me and how i would react so he was shocked. Better he is shocked now than when the baby is here and he throws a wobbler like a kid.
Anwyay thanks fro letting me moan and for also prvoing that i wasnt too hormonal and camping is really a bit too extreme - am soooo not going!
Thanks again- onwards and upwards (or outwards as my 11wk belly is trying hard to break out of my jeans!!)
I was going to say you could get a maid, most of them help out with kids too! It's little things like you can go food shopping and leave baby at home and go out for meals as a couple without having to worry. 2 or my sil's live in Middle East and one of them had a maid that was a great cook too, bonus! Glad you managed to talk it through! x
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