under a lot of stress worried about baby

[parisfernandez]

Ok so I've split up with my partner after years of him cocklodging.

I have just realised that I actually cant afford this baby. I have a 4 yo DD and at the moment I'm working full time and struggling to pay all my bills. Internet, sky and mobile have all been cut off because I can't afford them. I can't even afford to buy my DD clothes because I'm skint all the time. How am I going to cope when I get even less money once I go on to maternity? I apparently don't qualify for any form of help and the woman at the DWP spoke to me like I was something she had stood in. My rent is ridiculous because I can't get a council house.

I'm so stressed and worried all the time that I'm scared I'm harming my baby. At the moment I'm taking 2 months maternity leave and going back to work full time when my baby is 1 month old and I feel awful about it. Childcare is going to cost me £940 a month and I only earn £1100 maximum because I'm too stupid to get a job that's well paid. I don't know what to do. Just had a heating and electricity bill for £2100 that I can't pay, had a letter to say I need to pay £410 a month in council tax for arrears I got into whilst giving my ex all my money every month and I have 47p in my purse until Monday when I will get £65 in tax credits. That won't even feed us and get me to work and back in bus fares for the week never mind anything else. My family have helped loads to the point where I'm due them so much nobody will help me anymore.

I am worried sick about my baby and what damage I am doing by being so upset all the time. There's not a day goes by when I don't cry and im starting to be sick a lot more now.

[greatscott81]

I don't know how helpful I will be but I didn't want to 'read and run'.
Firstly, I think you need to speak to a professional adviser about your financial situation - have you spoken to Citizen's Advice? They should be able to help guide you through the myriad of benefits available. Do your family know the extent of your problems? Perhaps they will be more helpful than you think if they know how depressed you are feeling?

Secondly, if you're worried about your baby then you should speak to your midwife who should be able to offer some guidance and reassurance that you're not harming your baby. She might also be able to provide some advice about other support out there.

Thirdly - your partner has as a responsibility to pay for his child. If he won't pay voluntarily then I suggest you seek advice on how you can get his financial support.

I wish you the best of luck xx

[Caladria]

There will be people along soon enough who know more than me, but check this out in the meantime: www.entitledto.co.uk/ to see what you might be able to claim.

Oh and 'only' earning what you do does not make you stupid. There are brilliant people on minimum wage and mediocre ones paying top rate income tax. You sound resourceful and smart - good luck.

[Petcat]

I am sorry you are having a really tough time of it. As greatscott says, your ex has a responsibility to support his children, no matter how much of a cocklodger he might be. I second getting yourself an appointment with a CAB advisor asap. They may be able to help you negotiate a massive reduction in the debts you owe by arranging a payment plan with your creditors.

It's not your fault that you don't earn a great wage - neither do most women. It sounds like you're doing a great job taking care of your DD. Unfortunately the cost of living and the wages most of us get paid don't match up. Many people in your position would just give up work and spend a year or so on income support/JSA/Universal credit/whatever the government deems appropriate. That way you'd at least be entitled to help with council tax and housing costs, and could care for your newborn baby yourself. You'll still be skint, but possibly a lot less stressed?

I had also had a stressful pregnancy and worried about the effect it would have on the baby. I have been reassured that babies are very resilient when they're in utero, but it is obviously best to try and minimise stress because you need all your energy to look after your DD and the one on the way.

Good luck!

[lucybrad]

You should definately be entitled to tax credits and help with childcare expenses. You would most probably be entitled to housing benefit to help with rent and council tax benefit to help with ctax. Entitled to or turn2us website will help you. CAB will help you with anyone you are in debt with now. Don't panic - its not worth it. CSA will help you with maintenance. Wishing you all the best.

[Lj8893]

Don't give up your job OP, but maybe a part time position would help you with stress etc.
If you work over 16 hrs a week, you can get up to 70% of your childcare costs paid. You will also be entitled to working tax credit and child tax credit. And most likely housing benefit!
But you can't just rely on this so absolutely try to keep hold of some sort of job security!

Like the others have said try one of those sites to work out what you may be entitled to. Although the system is all changing to universal credit.

[fairypangolin]

Hi there - like the others I just want to say don't panic and you will definitely be entitled to significant help with childcare costs. My DH and I used to get £400 per month for a nursery bill of £700 and we together earned much more than you. And if you need to put your baby in nursery from very little as long as you feel they will do a good job she will be fine. Don't be too hard on yourself as others have said lots of very worthwhile and important jobs are not paid very well ( like nursery workers!) and that is only a reflection of how unfair our society is.

[Graceparkhill]

Where abouts in the country are you OP? I can do some research about what might be available locally to help you.

It would be worth reaching out to people and saying that you need help. In my experience people love to help and are waiting to be asked.

Are you in a trade union at work? They may have a benevolent fund which could offer you some financial assistance.

Also please don't worry about the effects of stress on your unborn child.
I had the most horrific stress in my life when pregnant with DS1 and no help from anywhere ( because I never asked).

Anyway DS1 is 21 this year and hale and hearty.

[NaturalBaby]

I can't help you with most of your issues but was also very stressed when pregnant and my baby turned out to be very happy and settled, and is a very happy and loving toddler.

I've had a lot of clothes for my dc's from freecycle, and there's a local facebook group where people sell them on very cheap as well.

Don't panic, there is lots of help out there, you just need to take little steps and you will get there.

[hotcrosbum]

Have you applied for housing and council tax benefit? If you are on a low income you are eligible for help with housing costs - dh is on a low wage and we get help.

Phone or visit your local council tomorrow, make sure you have three months bank statements and proof of income and tax credits, they will help you. If you are entitled to help it will take a few weeks to set up, but you will be paid in arrears from the day you claimed.

FWIW, I had a horrendous time when pg with ds, huge amounts of stress. He's now 11 and happy and healthy, please don't worry, and don't be hard on yourself about returning to work, you need to do what's best for your family.

And get onto the CSA about the feckless tosser. He has to help support his children.

[MariahHairy]

OP, why do you return so soon to work given that your earnings will mostly go towards childcare. as you work you will qualify for maternity pay (£128-ish/week)which leaves you better off.

also, your tax credits will go up. talk to CAB to get benefit advice.

and yy to freecycle for babystuff. a lot of babystuff goes also pretty cheap on ebay.

and contact the CSA

[Alohomora]

I didn't want to read and run - take a deep breath and then see what help is available to you. I know it can be terribly confusing to go through the system and see what you are actually entitled to, but please go and see citizen's advise or money advise as they can help you by giving you exact information.

Be kind to yourself - I'm on the same wage as you, I have several degrees, in these times you take the job you can get and it has nothing to do with you being stupid. Don't beat yourself up because you feel you are not providing for your children, you are doing tremendous work and trying to do the best for your kids - unlike your partner who I am sure should be held responsible for helping you financially.

[Bluemonkeyspots]

You must be entitled to something? Please talk to cab who will be able to tell you what you can claim.

Is moving in with family a option for a while?