25 weeks and starting to feel overwhelmed and not sure how I will cope

[emeraldgirl1]

As it says in the thread title really :(

I think I'm just having a bad week. But I can't help getting more and more stressed out and tearful - we have SO much to do - we are planning to move, either before or soon after the baby is born, and that is a huge source of stress and uncertainty. Also I am suddenly thinking about all the stuff we have to get - pushchair (have heard awful tales of waiting lists for some models), clothes, steriliser, car seat... I know it all sounds quite basic, I just suddenly feel as if I don't know what I am doing and don't know where to begin.

More seriously I am having more and more panic moments about the whole looking-after-a-newborn (and keeping it alive!) thing. DH and I don't know what the hell we are doing! I am booked onto an antenatal class starting next month which I guess may help a bit. But I am worrying about how to cope with sleepless nights, the crying (how will I know if it is serious or not?), how to feed, what the hell you DO with a new baby...

I am worried about the massive life change, not having time to myself, not being able to get out and about. I have suffered depression in the past and I know that it can be easy to get on a slippery slope of depression if you are very housebound or feel very isolated. :(

We are lucky as we will have support (my mum etc) so I know that will help and I know I am probably worrying unncessarily.

I think I am worried too as it has just been me and DH for so long now (together for donkey's years) and I am worried about there being a negative impact on our relationship as we bring a brand new person into our little duo.

I am probably just being hormonal and Christmas always stresses me out but I am just finding it impossible to stop crying at the moment and feel as if I have no idea of the future and how I/we will cope.

Any advice at all? Thanks so much.

[miniandfloss]

I felt this too at times through out my pregnancy became very overwhelmed by equipment, thoughts of caring for the baby, lack of sleep etc...

My little man is 11 days old now and I wondered what I atressed about! Coping surprisingly well with lack of sleep - just sleep when the baby does. I googled a basic equipment list lots of sites have them and got the basics and we haven't needed much else.

It's natural to feel overwhelmed and anxious but I'm finding having a lovely little baby a lot easier than being pregnant.

Just keep talking to people about how you feel.

[timeforachangebaby]

Babies just need love, milk, a few nappies and a babygrow, honestly.

Everything else comes.

Re clothes, there are HUGE bundles on ebay for cric £20 delivered, thats what I have - 1 in boy 1 in girl, will sell/donate the wrong ones.

Pram, cheaper second hand, a third of the price at least.

Cot same.

It will be fine, Im about to have my 4th - I keep panicing as well about how I am going to cope, its prefectly natural to worry I think.

[emeraldgirl1]

Thanks miniandfloos and congrats on your lovely new arrival!! :)

It's the talking to people about how I feel that I find very hard :( My closest friend is ttc after a very upsetting miscarriage so I feel it's impossible to call her up and moan about pregnancy stuff. Other friends aren't the kind of people I feel comfortable talking to - I am generally the person they come to about their problems and I find it impossible very hard indeed to try it the other way round. Actually it's not all my fault - my next-closest friend is a lovely drama queen and it's always all about her her her, she switches off when I ever say the smallest thing about worrying myself... [wonders why am friends with this person?!]

Don't have the kind of mother you can talk to about these things... she's a great grandmother but a total narcissist and will somehow turn it into an attack on her

I do talk to DH sometimes (we generally talk about absolutely everything and have a great rel/ship) but I am wary of talking too much about this stuff as he has a tendency to get super-stressed about finances and stuff re moving. He is going to be a great dad but he does have a tendency to stick his head in the sand when he is anxious about the future.

I think I feel a bit isolated tbh. I work from home and quite often have nothing but these thoughts going round in my head! Worrying about being even more isolated is having a bit effect on my thoughts about moving, too, as we will be moving further out of London (need the space) and I do worry that I will end up feeling quite cut off from DH and life in general.

[emeraldgirl1]

Thank you timeforachange that is reassuring.

Again, I am probably being a ridiculous wimp, we do have great offers of a lot of the baby stuff from friends and family - not a pushchair/car seat but a cot, moses basket, play mat, and probably some clothes too I am sure.

It is absurd to be getting this stressed about a pushchair and car seat, a steriliser and a few muslins!!!

The move is probably the biggest thing playing on my mind. I would love to have a proper nursery or bedroom to be able to start building up stuff for the baby but we are very space constrained and so obviously that isn't even an option. I compare myself to people who take a baby home from the hospital to a lovely nursery and I feel inadequate.

[timeforachangebaby]

Shall I tell you a true story, I have 4 bedroomed house, 2 small DCs and this one on way (oldest one doesnt live here).

So I have 2 small DCs in bunkbeds, because they wont sleep alone.

I have 2 spare bedrooms.

Want to know where baby is sleeping, in with me, because I know, thats where the baby will want to be, there is no lovely nursery, no beautiful room, I did have for DC2, which was my first with DH, we never used it, never went in there, it was like a giant wardrobe for tiny clothes.

DC2 stayed in with me for a year, we had to dismantle the cot to get it in our room - and then he hardly slept in it.

This time, I havent even got the moses basket up.

If you decided to co-sleep with the baby and never have a cot, baby would be happy.

It is very stressful moving, maybe put it off til baby is a little older and just enjoy the next year, they dont need a lot of "stuff" or space, they just need you and love, I havent got a tenth of the things I thought were vital with DC2 (its like DC2 was firstborn as there is a HUGE gap between 1 and 2), really its all just clutter.

Better a much loved and wanted baby in a flat, than a not wanted one in a mansion.

Dont feel inadequate, you arent - I promise you, as long as its loved, thats all it needs.

[timeforachangebaby]

I think I feel a bit isolated tbh. I work from home and quite often have nothing but these thoughts going round in my head!

It is important to get out, even if you dont feel like it - there are cheap baby groups everywhere, if I was you, I'd seriously consider staying put in the short term, where your friends and DH are, rather than moving and adding stress and feeling alone, my baby will be sleeping in my room until it is 1, despite the fact we have extra space, I like having babies in with me.

Look into attachment parenting - that would make you feel a lot better about not having a "room" for the baby.

I know some people want everything new and shiny, I have taken a lot of time off work to be at home - thats my preference :)

Good luck.

[emeraldgirl1]

timeforachange thank you so much for your post, though curse you for making me cry again (always happens when people are nice!)

I know all this on a logical level - God knows I have been saying it to my DH enough when he has been worried about where we will 'put' the baby. But I am having a major wobble these past few days and can't seem to get a grip.

Normally I'd have a very large drink (not at 10.30 in the morning obv!) but sadly that option isn't open to me.

Ugggh, I need to shake this off, it's just counter-productive as now I'm feeling sorry for myself which is never useful or sensible.

[timeforachangebaby]

That's def the hormones - a small glass of wine (spec red) is good for you :).

I have the baby's clothes in a White lidded box under my bed I got from the range for £5.

You will be fine honestly x

[EthelredOnAGoodDay]

Emerald, I dont think we've seen you over there yet (my memory at the moment is atrocious) , but there is a thread in antenatal groups for ladies like you (and me) who are due in march. They're a lovely bunch and you'll get lots of support over there.

[naturalbaby]

Have you got any books on looking after a newborn? Do you have an idea of what kind of parent you want to be? I was very baby led in the first few months - very easy to do! There are postnatal courses you can go on as well as the antenatal ones.

I also like to be in control so made a couple of lists and tables of things we needed, then you get the satisfaction of ticking things off as you buy them.

[DoubleYew]

Baby should be in your room til 6 months. A lot longer works for plenty of people after that.

They don't actually need space until (if) they start crawling and really until they start walking so you've got 12 mo + until they start ramming a baby walking trolley thing into everything.

I'm not saying this to freak you out but stress is not good for your baby. Yes a certain amount no-one can avoid but stress in pregnancy has been linked to very, um, demanding babies - those ones you hear about that can't be put down etc. So try and go with the flow, do some breathing / relaxation type exercises. Even if you think that is not "you" give it a go.

Go to antenatal and baby groups and make friends, you will start to see the same mothers around, they are probably looking for people to hang out with too. This will help if you are feeling unsure of what you are doing but don't compare if everything seems easy for them.

If you are planning to breastfeed you don't need steriliser - pan on cooker or bit of milton is fine if you need to. Get a sling (like a wrap sling) as it gives you another option if you don't want to take pram out or it hasn't arrived.

For a newborn all cries are important, you can start to leave them a bit longer once they are a fair bit older, if you feel comfortable with it.

It is a massive thing you are going to do but most people get through it. In some ways its good you are realising the enormity of it. Be prepared that you will make some slip ups as you are learning what to do but this is also the start of a life long love .

[OhGood]

emeraldgirl I think you are completely normal to be worried about what is in effect a massive life change. Surely anyone who doesn't have some level of worry is just mad? And I echo what people have said re hormones etc.

Just want to add one thing on equipment - I found trying to work out what was best to buy especially with prams etc a complete nightmare and it's one of the most stressful things, so don't worry about going 'ARGH' about stuff like that. I mean all the bloody 'travel systems' look exactly the same and you need a degree to be able to work them.

Also, my DD was early, so when she arrived I did not even have hospital bag packed and was nowhere near having nursery. In fact we had all furniture in massive pile in middle of lounge as was trying to change house around. Was total mess. But DD just wanted me, and milk, and cuddles, and could not even focus more than 2 metres or whatever, so would not have cared about a single other thing. And when they arrive you are so focussed on them, that nothing else matters.

Can I make one concrete suggestion? As soon as you know where you're moving to, find some playgroups and baby groups and stuff, so you will have things to do with other mums in the same situation as you. I was new to my tiny village when I had DD and making friends was a breeze with a baby - I was swapping phone numbers in the doctor's surgery (and am normally very shy about stuff like that.)

Also, you know, you sound like a really nice person, and you and your DH clearly have a good relationship. Your baby is lucky to have you as parents. You will be fine.

[emeraldgirl1]

Thanks v much everyone! Honestly, where would we be without mumsnet?!!

I popped onto the March babies page a few months ago but stupidly didn't get around to going back - it was very nice to be able to 'meet' other mums to be due at a similar time and having similar questions. I must go back on, it was great.

It is good to hear you all saying that newborns don't need anything but love, sleep and milk!! I know in my heart that this is all they need and they couldn't care less about a nice mural in the nursery!! Also I think that is a good point about nurseries just being a giant wardrobe for a few months as they sleep in your room with you. I also know that I am sure I won't care in the slightest about a perfect nursery etc when I am getting up three times in the night to feed :) I stupidly care now, though. Well, I don't really care, I do know that it is silly most of the time, I am just letting it all get on top of me a bit.

It's good advice about meeting other new mums, I think this is causing me some anxiety as I don't know where we'll be moving to exactly and I can't really book anything/investigate too far until I know that.

The move is a pain in the bum, but pretty much unavoidable, sadly; we are just kicking ourselves that we didn't act sooner but we are just not very organised people!!

And the whole pushchair thing is a proper nightmare, yes I think you do actually need a degree to understand all the blooming 'systems'!! I had no idea it was this complicated, not to mention the stories of waiting lists...

I agree OhGood that people are crazy if they AREN'T a bit apprehensive about this huge event :) I just want to go back to feeling that (a bit apprehensive) and not quite so down in the dumps.

[OhGood]

PS - baby groups etc in your new area (wherever it may be!) - occurs to me that your health vistor (who will come to see you when baby is arrives) will have all of that information. So please can you cross that off your list of things to worry about right now??

Go watch a movie or out to supper or something nice this weekend with DH.

[lovelychops]

Please try not to get stressed about moving. We live in a tiny 1 bed flat, when I was pregnant it totally stressed me out as I simply did not want the upheaval of moving. So we didn't! Time has flown by and DD is happy in her cot in our room - she's 22 months now. You just manage.

I also got quite anxious about how she would fit into our lives and how I would cope - it's totally normal. Now, I can't imagine not having her here. It sounds cliched but it's true.

I found writing lists of things we needed helped me to feel organised, but in retrospect you don't need half the stuff you think. A car seat and moses basket are important, everything else I think you can buy afterwards. (Especially if you live near a supermarket.)

Baby groups will fall into place, you don't need to sort these straight away.

You'll amaze yourself with how you cope. You'll be great

[Splinters]

I recently came across this website about infant sleep, and although it does make pretty clear that the first months will involve a lot of waking with the baby, somehow having it explained clearly in terms of how human infants have evolved this way of doing things in order to keep themselves safe, made me feel better about the whole thing. Like I will (hopefully!) be able to anticipate the waking and understand why it's necessary, not see it as a sign of some kind of problem with the baby or with us as parents. The website has very readable explanations with references to scientific studies -- it's based at Durham University which also made me feel like I should be able to trust it!

Our baby is due in Feb and we only ordered the pushchair on Saturday. It's not one of the most popular models but we really liked it and apparently we should have it before Christmas -- definitely not a whisper of a waiting list at the independent place where we ended up ordering it. I'm sure you're busy, but maybe you'd feel a little better if you could just get started thinking, without actually having to spend any money? If you can get to a John Lewis we also found them very good at giving lessons in what you need to know about carseats/buggies etc without hovering over you until you buy something!

[Traceymac2]

We had planned to move when i was 37 weeks with dd2, i went into labour at 36 wks so the move happened when i was inhospital and dd was in scbu, that was quite stressful, particularly when my dh phoned and said he was outside the house with the removal men but had lost his keys!!

We moved again to a different county when 32 wks pregnant with dd3, decided it was a mistake and after 6 months moved back to where we were, then bought a house which needs totally gutting and rebuilding.

My dd3 is now 7 months old and will be in our room until our house is renovated which should be finished when she is a year old as there is no spare room for her and dd1s 1&2 could not be trusted or be quiet enough to share with her!

You really don't need much as everyone else has said. My advice re the buggy is, get something light, if you are lifting it in and out of a car you just won't want to use it if it weighs a tonne. Make sure you can clip your car seat onto it as much easier when the baby is asleep or you are popping into a shop. If you are planning more than one child perhaps consider one that can be converted to a twin. I regret not getting a phil and teds because I wouldn't have had to buy another buggy when no 2 was born.

Re furniture, I purchased a range of nursery furniture for dd1, it was a waste of money because they outgrow it so quickly. For dd2 I just got nice painted White adult furniture and a combed, at least it won't have to be replaced in a few yrs.

It is only natural to feel apprehensive. I remember saying to my obstetrician I wasn't ready when I was in labour! Everything will click into place when the baby arrives and you will wonder how you got this far in your life without them.

[Traceymac2]

Cotbed!