Announcing pregnancy after sister in laws miscarridge

[SammyOnHorseback]

Hi mumsnet, never joined a forum before so not sure what to expect, hoping for some advice.
I'm in a very unusual situation. I'm 19, my fiance is 20 and we've just bought a house. He earns very good money in IT, when I met him we were 16 and he had no money at all, so please don't assume I'm with him for the money as most people do.
His brother and brothers fiancee are renting a flat which they hate, they are 25 and both work extremely hard but don't earn much and are unable to save enough to move out of their flat.
A few months ago after a very long time trying to concieve she announced she was pregnant and they were overjoyed. Unfortunately she lost the baby. Shortly after this she got very drunk and told me she was very jealous of everything my fiance and I have. I view her as a close friend and was upset to hear this.
I am about 10 weeks pregnant, it's an accident but there was never a question of whether or not we'd keep it. I haven't told anyone apart from my partner, I feel really nervous about telling his family as my in laws are obviously still devastated and after what my SIL told me I feel like this would be a real kick in the teeth.
My fiance wants me to quit my job in a nursery so I can have a 'stress free pregnancy' and due to several recent events at work I'm inclined to agree. But I can't quit until I've told people I'm pregnant otherwise they'll ask questions.
My fiance thinks we should tell our parents first then he'll tell his brother and I'll tell my SIL but I think we should tell them together and even then, I still don't know what to actually say.
I feel like this should be one of the happiest times of my life and instead I feel nothing but guilt
Any suggestions greatly appreciated

[FreelanceMama]

Bless you for being so thoughtful. Whatever their initial reaction, I'm sure they'll be pleased for you when they have time to let it sink in. But I'd be inclined to tell them one at a time rather than as a group (and tell them to keep it to themselves for a few days to give you a chance to tell the others).

For a start, why don't you tell your own families over the phone i.e. he tells his parents, and brother and you tell your family. And he ask his brother to tell your sister in law as he may know how best to tell her without her being too sad for herself. She may get upset privately but after a few days be able to be happy for you. And follow their lead - if they ask about the baby, talk about it. You've got another six months still for them to get excited.

When we announced that I was pregnant it was during a difficult time for our family and v soon after my Dad died so my pregnancy wasn't quite what I'd hoped for but you can still get excited and happy among friends until your family gets there.

As for work. You don't have to give a reason but could say you're leaving because you're hoping to start a family soon and think that will be more successful if you have less stress in your life.

Hope that helps?

[musicalendorphins]

You don't have to tell them you are off work do you? Would they be likely to know someone there who would mention it?
Why not wait until Christmas Day and announce it then, to everyone at once?

[deXavia]

Whilst everyone is different - I would strongly advocate not telling them at Christmas - if your SIL (or indeed BIL) is upset she'll have to deal with it publically and sit through the rest of the day, which IMO would be hellish.
A very close friend of mine was going through a series of unsuccesful IVF's when I became pregnant with number 2. I spoke to her on the phone before I told anyone else other than parents. I started off by saying I knew it may be hard for her hear but I wanted her to hear it direct from me and then have time to take it all in. Whilst she said congratulations at the time, I'd say it took another week or so before she was ready to talk properly and meet up.
The way I look at it is - you have the great news and everyone's best wishes, the very least you can do for someone close, is put their feelings first especially at the time of the announcement.

[Secondsop]

Oh goodness, not at Christmas in front of everyone! I cannot imagine that being anything other than very upsetting for your sister-in-law, assuming she'll be present. Small groups, without others present, so that nobody has to compose their face in front of other relatives, and not at a pre-existing family occasion, is I think the kindest thing you can do. Perhaps do it by phone if that feels ok to you as that might be easier for your sister-in-law to handle. It's really very sweet to think of your sister-in-law and the fact that your intentions are good mean that you are already in the right mindset.

In terms of how you tell her, don't forget that this is a happy announcement for you, but I second everything dexavia says about giving her time, and remembering and acknowledging that this will be a hard thing for her to hear.

I also think that as pregnancy (and beyond) progresses, it will bring new challenges for you and your sister-in-law if she continues to have fertility problems, but you don't seem the sort to get utterly self-absorbed at the expense of others so I'm sure you'll be fine. I struggled last year with my oldest friend when I had a miscarriage, as when I told her about it she asked what she could do to support me and I said that it would be really great to hear her news about things other than her month-old baby, and she basically said no and said that her life revolved around him and that he was everything and everything was about him. I've never got over how much that upset me. But as I say, you seem far more sensitive to others' feelings.

For work, you don't have to tell them why you're leaving. But perhaps think about whether it's what you want to do - you might find the next few months will massively drag if you don't have something to keep you a bit busy (and they drag enough anyway!).

[Paradisefound]

Sammy I am in a similar situation. SIL has been going through IVF and has had 3 early miscarriages. My other brother's girlfriend can't have kids as she has gone into menopause early. I got married last year and am currently 18 weeks pregnant. I feel like I have to contain my excitement and tread carefully as I realise pregnancy is a very sensitive issue for them. What I did was I told my brother and then my brother told his wife at an appropriate time, when they were alone together. You are obviously sensitive to your SIL needs which is great. Don't feel guilty .. Feel very lucky !

[CountryKitty]

Hi absolutely do NOT tell her in front of family at Christmas. This would be the worst thing for her and your relationship may never recover.

I have 2 DD's and am pg with DD3 at the mo but had 2 early miscarriages this year. I've been on both sides of your situation having mc'd myself with friends falling pg around me, and then conceiving quickly again and having to tell a friend going through IVF that we were pg for the 3rd time in 4 months. Not nice at either end.

I'd phone her and tell her. As OP said she won't have to compose herself over the phone as she would in front of family, and can quickly get off the phone and have a wee cry for herself. She will be happy for you guys but it may take her a while to be able to show it to you. Just be understanding and don't harp on about your pg. Let her raise it when she feels ready.

[katiecubs]

I agree with the others who have said to do it over the phone - then she can quickly get off the phone in order to cry/rant/rave or whatever makes her feel better.
Try not to worry though. I was in a similar situation when I lost a baby and a good friend told me she was pg a week later. It was hard at first but I quickly accepted their baby was nothing to do with my loss.

Good luck and congratulations!! X

[Anothercerealnamechanger]

Some great advice here which I won't repeat, I will be 15/16 weeks at Christmas and we have decided not to announce the pregnancy until mid January.

When my SIL fell pg with her third they rang and told DH who then told me at a good time when there was chocolate in the fridge because I was still extremely traumatised by the birth of DC1. I still appreciate them doing that because it made the pregnancy easier to accept

[tasmaniandevilchaser]

sammy congrats on your pg, you sound lovely and thoughtful. I'm sure your SIL will appreciate that even though she might have mixed feelings about your pg.

I would echo the advice upthread and say don't tell her at Christmas during a family gathering. I can't imagine anything worse.

I think being told over the phone is what I would have liked while I was grieving my pg losses. Then you have the chance to compose yourself before you see them. It might take her a little while to move on from her grief and start feeling happy for you. It took me a few months to hear pg news without feeling like I'd been slapped but it got easier.

[wilderumpus]

hey there. congrats on your pregnancy!

FWIW I have been on the other side of the coin (Mced earlier this year) and am now pg, with one my friends having mc'ed recently - we would have been due in the same month. :( they wanted to visit us after their mc (we live 7 hours away) and think because they knew about ours we would be comforting, but in fact we were 10 weeks pg at that time. we ended up ringing them to say that we were pg (we hadn't told anyone as obviously we were worried about another loss) and in the end they decided not to visit, it would have been too upsetting for them.

If the wife of the couple was my friend rather than DHs I wouldn't have even rung but texted or emailed so they could read the news privately, have a cry and sort themselves out.

It is just heartbreaking finding out about other pg's when you have lost your baby. you are being so kind thinking about it and am sure you will be sensitive. Please, whatever you do, try to avoid telling her to her face; avoid telling her in front of other people; and DO NOT tell her at xmas!

all the best, and congrats again!

[zoeymlucas]

As someone who has been in your SIL position a few months ago I would say let your partner tell them without you there - let her get upset, cry and do anything she needs to without the added pressure of her feeling she needs to put on a happy face for you with then the option that she can call you whenever she feels ready! Given a few days she will be ok but needs some space and you being there will add pressure on her to try and mask it and may even make you feel bad if she gets upset etc.

I know you want to share your news but I think this is one person you shouldnt be there to tell - she will come round and it will be fine in the end but the shock news will be like a kick in the teeth for her and to then try and and be happy will be alot and if you see her upset it might upset you too which you dont need x

[Diamond7]

I'm in a similar situation. I am due in 6 weeks (xmas eve). My SIL and bro have been trying for 6+ years with 2 miscarriages and should be 4 weeks ahead of me but miscarried at 12 weeks.

Thankfully I'd told them before their miscarriage but our pregnancy is a constant reminder to them. They are happy for us but find it hard which is understandable.

They will be happy for you but it will also be painful for them. I agree it's best to tell your brother and let him tell her at the right time. Then you can speak to her and talk about it when she's ready.

[iamwhaticallpregnant]

I am in a very similar situation OP. My best friend had a miscarriage about a yr ago. Shes been trying for a long time nowwith husband but no luck. I then went and accidentally got pregnant with my partner. We were and are very happy about it though. i told her face to face privately before any other friends and gave her time to digest. I would recommend you saying something like "I have thought for a while how to tell you this and worried as the last thing I want to do is upset you. But before I tell others I need to tell you I am expecting a baby". U might not want to emphasise the accidental part of it just cause if they r trying they might resent that. I might also just mention to other people not to make it such a big thing as you are concerned abt her and his feelings. Especially at Christmas.
From my side of the coin i have found it all very upsetting how my friend has reacted to my pregnancy since then. She's practically detached herself away from me and hasnt seen me once. She failed to turn up to a lunch i had and hasnt been in any way supportive. When i get upset abt this i have to just keep my mouth shut and keep quiet and accept that shes not going to be there for me from now on. You might have to prepare yourself for this. Is doesnt feel fair that u have to play down your happiness but i think in this instance its the best thing to do. Good luck. Tread carefully and CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

[Marmiteisyummy]

I agree with pp to tell her DH and let him tell her alone, so she can have a good cry.
I had a mc earlier this year. 2 months later at a Family event DHs friend and his wife, who we are close to, announced their pregnancy. I later found out at DH was told the night before when i wasn't there but had been "sworn to secrecy". I was so furious with my DH. I could have had a little cry in private and fixed a smile on rather than having to cope all the way through dinner and not break down.
So having been there, let her DH tell her and give her time to come round. Or if you feel you must tell her yourself then phone and let her escape quickly.

[Secondsop]

Oh marmite, how awful. I too would have been absolutely furious with my husband if that had happened and he hadnt told me.

[doctordwt]

Marmite, what a horrible thing for your DH to do. I'd have been devastated.

[tasmaniandevilchaser]

Marmite so awful
I know someone who gathered together all their friends in the pub to announce their pg when their best friend had just had a mmc. Don't think the friend ever really forgave them completely.

[beebee1978]

I've been on the recieving end of this so I now how your sil will feel. In dec 09 I had a mc and at the same time my nephew and his girlfriend found they were expecting the 2 nd child. This was my 1st pg at 31, they were both 22 and they told every member of the family apart from me but families talk so I got to hear second hand and told to keep quiet as they didn't want me to know as it would hurt my feelings and they would announce to me in a few months. That was worse than telling me. My advice is tell them ,be honest about how you feel. I would of much preferred there honesty.
Congratulations by the way x

[mylittlemonkey]

Having also been on the other side after two mmc this year and last I would definitely recommend getting your partner to tell her DH before any announcements so she can have a good cry and time to get used to it in private. She will be happy for you but it can be difficult to hear for the first time about others close to you getting pg when you are desperate to be yourself.

Don't let this spoil your excitement over your own pg though as you should be excited and looking forward to telling your friends and family.

[RileyLeeHargreaves2012]

I'm 18 and I feel pregnant at 17 with my boyfriend who is 25. I was 6 weeks when I found out and was only with him for 8 weeks!!! Anyway we found out on the 23rd of december last year, which was amazing... My step brothers fiancee was pregnant 3 weeks behind us. I ended up loosing My little boy at 23 weeks on April 6th, my step brother had his 20 week scan a couple of days after which gave me bad heartache as everyone was more interested in them now, but i was very happy for them

Its been just over 7 months since Riley was born sleeping and I'm visiting his grave everyday and i have been with my boyfriend for over a year :-)!

I dont regret my pregnancy.... I got called a muderer when he died, It hurt but ignored it because me and My family new how much he was loved and missed