I got a much hoped for BFP last week and now I'm just panicking out of my mind. I'm so sorry if this is long but there's so many elements to my freak-out :(
My DH and I are in our early thirties, fantastic relationship, very supportive. I work for a big corporate in a very stressful job but not on overly brilliant pay for what I do and who I work for. It is above national average - but living in London so doesn't stretch that far. DH has recently retrained as a Personal Trainer - doing really well but my salary supports about 80% of our outgoings. We still manage to save a little bit each month.
We rent a flat, above a shop. We have a wonderful little cat that I adore more than anything. Our landlady is rubbish, a pain in the backside. Our oven hasn't worked in months and her tight-fisted approach is to have us call her gas man friend to fix it We've had enough of her shoddy ways but I feel trapped, worried we won't find another place that will let us keep our cat. There's a few other elements to wanting to move too. There's so many things wrong with the flat and her approach that we've put up with for four years.
I feel irresponsible, getting pregnant. I feel like a failure because we haven't - and won't for a long time - own a place of our own. I feel like - even if we did find somewhere that will let us keep the cat, the future is so uncertain, that we've had so many bad experiences renting, nothing feels remotely secure. It feels like landlords in London don't even really want you to live in their properties - so many said "no pets, no children". It feels like there's an overwhelming tidal wave of uncertainty approaching. It's not so much the cost of renting - it's the lack of, humanity is not quite the right word but I just want a home, long term. A place where we have a good relationship with the LL, where they recognise we're good tenants, that we look after the place.
Before I got pregnant I had it all worked out - how we'd manage financially, what we'd do, where we'd live. Now I am convinced we'll have to give our cat away and I keep crying, devastated at that thought. I know "she's just a cat" I'm putting so much emphasis on how she might feel when probably she'd be fine in a few weeks if the worst came to the worst. I just feel so irresponsible - for getting her and making her love us, see us as family, for getting pregnant, for not owning our own place and creating that kind of security for ourselves. I can't seem to access those pre-pregnancy thoughts, ideas and total confidence we'd figure it all out, that we'd be OK.
Please tell me if will be OK :) I can't seem to be able to conjure anything but worst case scenarios and I'm running everything over and over in my mind like a crazy person. There must be good landlord's out there, right? People that like tenants like us? That want a family to make a home? That it's OK we haven't managed to buy yet? That everything will be OK, we'll get by and I'm not an irresponsible failure?
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Pregnant...and feeling so worried and depressed
24 replies
bettybat · 21/02/2012 09:07
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