Was I unreasonable?

[Changing2011]

hi everyone, I am sat here very upset and I think I may have been unreasonable. We were supposed to be going out to eat tonight with another family, their dc are friends with our dc. DP and DD came home to get changed, and as soon as he was through the door, my DP headed back out the door for a cigarette in the garden. He is supposed to be giving up, for lots of reasons, cost, health, new baby on the way. We are cutting back on spending as well, or so I thought. But I just flipped at him, said I wasn't going out if he wasn't going to keep his promises. He stormed out of the house with DD to go for the meal. I felt sorry after he had gone and texted him and rang him offering to drive over and meet up, forget it all. But he has not replied. I just feel I have been making all the sacrifices for our family just lately being pregnant, and he hasn't done anything at all. I can't stand him smoking it makes me feel sick, he gets into bed at night and I'm heaving. I know Im overreacting because I'm pregnant :(

[Signet2012]

i dont think your overreacting with the reason behind your paddy. It may have been a bit 0-100mph in 0.1 seconds which may have took him by surprise but I think the reasons behind it is fair enough.

Really he is being unreasonable if he knows its making you sick yet he continues to get into bed stinking of smoke, not quitting when money is tight etc! That said it is very hard to quit smoking and he maybe feels a bit guilty hence the storming off.

I dont think you should feel bad on this one though.

if thats any help :)

[Changing2011]

He does not feel guilty on jot, he demanded an apology and told DD it's mummy's fault for being nasty as usual!

I did go from 0-100 in ten seconds though.

I'm so sick of pussyfooting around him, I am giving up loads of things I like. If I even mention a change to his lifestyle he is like a petulant child. Sick of it! I'm having s pasty for tea then a hot bath and he will come home to a locked bathroom door!

[Crosshair]

Im sorry you're upset and things arnt going how you hoped with his smoking. Personally I think its something you need to discuss in a calm manner together. Fair enough hes agreed to quit and you hate his smoking but its not fair to 'flip' at him, most people dont stop cold turkey it takes time. :(

I hope you come to some sort of compromise together and work things out.

[Iggly]

I felt a bit like this when pregnant (less so second time around) - you are giving up a lot more, the pregnancy impacts on you far more than him.

If his smoking makes you feel sick then explain to him (when you're calm).

Also he shouldn't undermine you and confuse your DD by satin things are "mummy's fault" - that's just out of order and not nice for your DD.

[Iggly]

satin?! I meant saying

[Changing2011]

I have explained gently. I have pleaded. I have offered to make him a doctors appointment for help to stop. Nothing works. It's my fault for getting pregnant he says. My problem.

Don't get me started on using dd that's his favourite weapon in an argument. So pissed off with him, love him to bits and want this pregnancy to be a happy time for our family, grrr.

[Crosshair]

Maybe he doesnt actually want to? Surely he would just say though. Was smoking an issue with your first child as well?

[Changing2011]

Yes, he never actually bothered giving up for her either. He is happy to stand outside in all weathers. Never in the house. But he wants to cut back on everything else, I am banned from any treats etc, it's u fair. He can spend fiver at a time on cigarettes, but I can't have a new pram for the baby, have to make do with the old one which has bits missing, he has agreed to a new stroller reluctantly. I wouldnt mind but I work full time and earn more than him! He is taking the piss big time.

[Sausagesarenottheonlyfruit]

It's my fault for getting pregnant he says. My problem.

That's awful! I take it this was an unplanned pregnancy or immaculate conception then? Sorry but he sounds like an utter wanker, how dare he badmouth you to your DD.

[Changing2011]

Nope, we tried for eighteen months! But of course, now he's remembered that having a hormonal stressed mum to be on his hands, he is mourning his freedom and looking back with his twat tinted specs on... Of course the baby was all MY idea and I have to suck it up. Blah. I know he loves me really and he will love the baby, he adores DD. But he is a real diva.

[Crosshair]

Agreed he sounds like a wanker. Money wise it doesnt sound fair at all.

[Changing2011]

I am feeling very guilty about not going for this meal though, DD was so looking forward to it. At least she's having a nice time. I am cheering myself up by sorting out my wardrobe and putting all my summer clothes that don't fit away. Thanks for all the replies. Means a lot.

[kelly2000]

Changing2011,
If you have managed to get pregnant by yourself he should worship the ground you walk on as everyone else will do in a couple of hundred years - even the Virgin Mary neded help from God!

But seriously, if he did not want you to get pregnant he should have kept his trousers zipped up -there is no such thing as 100% protection against prgnancy apart from no-sex.
Secondly, if he insists on smoking, he will have to sleep in the other room - is he happy to sleep by a bucket of your vomit? And you do not need a new pram, his child does. The child is just as much his as it is yours. What does he think will happen if you leave him - he will be told that he has to pay for their upkeep. And if you work full-time then he has no say in what you spend on yourself. He pays half the bills, including stuff for the children he is not doing anyone a favour by doing this, it is his responsibility. Storming out and taking the child with him in a temper is disgusting!
Would you be happy for your daughter to be treated like this in twenty years?

[MigratingCoconuts]

the problem is though, that he can only give up if he really really wants to because he is addicted. At the moment, he isn't ready to.

[Changing2011]

No Kelly, I would not. You are right. I need to be firmer with him. And maybe make myself scarce when he comes in from work, as it seems to be a flashpoint when he heads straight for his smoke in the garden. He won't be holding my baby when stinking of smoke though, he can forget it.

[Iggly]

This is bigger than the smoking. It's your fault for getting pregnant?? He uses your DD as a weapon? He won't let you get a stroller?

Er what is this dude on?

[G1nger]

I agree he sounds like a bit of a wanker. And bringing your daughter in on the argument like that is inexcusable.

[Conchita]

twat tinted spectacles is the best thing I've heard all day. You are a funny lady!
I think that your pregnancy hormones + his nicotine addiction = recipe for being unreasonable on both sides. My DH drives me up the wall when he accuses me of being unreasonable because I'm pg. Usually I'm making a very good point but unfortunately because I may end up snapping or crying he won't take it seriously.
But it sounds mean of DP to say 'mummy's being nasty'. I hope he apologises for that. On balance I'd say he's been the unreasonable one but sadly men think they're paragons of logic and sanity and we are mere hysterical women. Grrr!

[notlettingthefearshow]

YANBU. He sounds like really hard work and that you and he do not have the same priorities. I can't say I understand/agree with any of his views and arguments, but as a couple you must try to find common ground for the sake of your relationship and your family.

However, so far your tactics are not working, so I would suggest trying to agree some compromises with him.

For example, allocate a certain amount of money per week per person for nonessentials. Note - this is not for the baby, it's for individual use, eg lunch out with your friends.

Agree some ground rules about smoking - he should have a shower, clean teeth etc before bed, or sleep on the sofa. Pregnancy does heighten the sense of smell. I can't even have my DH breathe on me and he doesn's drink/smoke etc!

I'm not sure that helps - sorry!

[Catsycat]

You're not being unreasonable. But as some have said, this sounds like a bigger issue than simply the smoking (and the smoking would be bad enough on it's own). He sounds quite controlling and self centred from what you have said, so no wonder you are getting fed up with his behaviour. If he will not sit down and talk calmly about his issues, then would some sort of couples counselling be in order (sorry if I misinterpreted your post, and have blown this out of all proportion, but it sounds like you're really unhappy). Using your DD as a weapon, and effectively trying to turn her against you, is so far out of order I am (almost) lost for words.

I hope you can come to some sort of solution, as you don't need to be made so unhappy at any time, but especially when pg.

[Changing2011]

Update... I spent the evening chilling out in my room, had a nice bath, emptied all the clothes that no longer fit :( so I dont have a battle trying to find something to wear every day. The upshot was that when they got back, around 9pm, I was very relaxed, and DP was calm too. DD was telling me excitedly about the place they had been to. He was nice, and we agreed that we were both wrong. The thing is, I know he does want to stop smoking! Its not really about the money and we both know it.

He sounds stingy, but I think I have put him in a bad light this way - we are both keen to re-use DD's baby stuff so that we still have money to allow DD to maintain a bit of her current lifestyle (trips out, parties, etc) when the baby comes - she has been our only one for 6 years so we desperately want her life to remain unchanged for the introductory period. This is why there will be no new pram, only essentials like cot mattress, stroller etc (old one had gone mouldy). In fairness the pram is lovely and cost a fortune when new. But when he winds me up over smoking or something silly I let myself get carried away and feel hard done to. Hormones I think!

[Catsycat]

Glad things have calmed down and you're feeling more positive. :)