Help!!! He can't be in nappies & start school :(

[Mumofmany4and6]

Hello please help me I have 3 weeks left!! My youngest son is 4 and starting school. They are (understandably) not happy about children starting in nappies so time is very much running out.
I have 4 older children. My 9 year old is severely disabled and in nappies full time, my 11 year old is autistic & wears them at night. I then have a perfectly fine 8 year old girl.
My 4 year old has no disabilities, learning problems or anything. He's a bright lad who loves dinosaurs & animals. I just can't get him to use the toilet, or potty or anything. He is really emotionally attached to his pull up nappies. He is very body conscious, doesn't like anyone seeing his bottom and if I don't change his nappy he will do it himself to avoid anyone else doing it.
I have tried taking them away and he just tries to use his brothers. He gets incredibly distressed if he can't find a nappy and heeds a wee and if he does wet himself it's like the end of the world, really, not a temper, he is shaking and really upset. He is a happy funny boy who is so confident in all other areas. He has been going to preschool for 18 months and loved it, made several friends (all of whom use the toilet) they also tried the whole time he was there and said they'd never found a bright child get so upset by it.
He says he's scared of the toilet, but also won't use the potty. Everyone said do the whole 'running round the garden' thing in the summer but he won't even do that without a nappy on. Being tough has made it worse and reward charts haven't even started. He owns tonnes of pants with various designs on. I am out of clues now. It's not good if he gets loud and upset as it upsets my disabled son. Help! Please 😰 xx

[Pappawasarollingbone]

Oh no you poor thing. I think you need to go cold turkey. Is there any chance of you having some time with him alone? So you can take him out to the park or somewhere you can distract him and almost make going to the toilet part of the fun?
Also explain the situation to the school and possibly go and show him the toilets? You need to take the pressure off both of you, which is easy for me to say I know.
Schools should be understanding of the situation.

[halesie]

Oh no! You have my sympathy. We've spent most of this year trying to get autistic (just turned) 4yo toilet trained too, though he will generally use the loo if an adult takes him.

I wonder if your DS has some anxiety and nappies give him some control (or some of your time and attention) so help him feel better? If he can change his own nappy I'd be tempted to see if you can persuade him to take charge of nappy changing more regularly (only for wees!) - could you get him into a routine of going to the toilet and changing his own nappy? If he's able to do it independently and can talk to school staff about it, it's not taking up their time and resources and hopefully he will hit a stage when he decides it's time to say goodbye to nappies. That might also give you more time to enjoy the few weeks left before he goes to school.

[oldbirdy]

My dd was very anxious about training and what worked brilliantly for us was me taking the pressure off. We downloaded an alarm app, that you could record a voice and vary the playing time intervals. We set it for every two hours and recorded a voice saying "Name, it's potty time!". We neither expected a wee or poo each time but just that when the alarm went off she sat down.
For some reason it worked brilliantly for us, she sat on potty the first alarm and was fully trained within a week. Might be worth a go. It was something to do with removing all the emotion and pressure from the situation. It wasn't me telling her to go, it was the tablet. Made all the difference.

[Mumofmany4and6]

Thankyou for your kindness. I really don't want my son to be judged as one of those children that come to school in nappies ☹️ I will try the app thing today, and will encourage him to do more changes on his own. It's nice to have some understanding this Sunday morning, I have some very judgemental family members!

[PhilODox]

I think- focus on the loo, ditch the potty- at his age, he'll be too big for a potty, my DS was the same, reliably dry for 90% of the time 3 days before school! But it hurt his haunches to use the potty, because he was heavier than a 2yo. So- conquer the loo fear. Does he have a child seat,? And a step,? Is it the noisy flush that scares him?
For DS, they had a urinal at school, and that was far easier than sitting down!