Am I failing?

[Imwingingit]

Hi everyone,

My beautiful boy was born 6 weeks ago now. The birth was horrific and I had an undiagnosed velamentous cord which meant I had to have the placenta manually removed after. I was under general anaesthetic so missed out on a good few hours of time with my boy.

Due to the complications and how dehydrated I was I was unable to breastfeed. I'm hopeful that my baby got some colostrum as I managed to feed him a few times during the first day. I tried expressing by hand and with a pump but there was never enough.

I am really struggling to adjust to Mum life. I love my son more than life itself but I have become almost resentful at how much my life has changed. I miss my job and I miss having a purpose. Along with this I am carrying the guilt that I couldn't breastfeed my baby, the feeling that I somehow contributed to how awful my sons birth was and the general feeling I am failing.

The past 6 weeks have been tough- little one has silent reflux so we haven't had much sleep. He also has sleep myoclonus so when he is asleep he's twitching so much that he wakes himself up.

I have tried talking to DH but it's hard to put into words how i feel without sounding like I resent our baby!

Please tell me it gets better?

[Gettingonabitnow]

Hi.

I feel for you - this is a lot like my birth with my first, even the retained placenta.

Firstly are you treating the reflux? Start using infant gaviscon, we regret not using that sooner.

You haven’t failed - he’s here isn’t he? He’s ok, you’re ok. No it might not have been the water birth straight on the boob birth delivery that dreams are made of but you did it!

I missed work too. And my old way of life. you’re probably still in a bit of shock after the birth, I know I was. It will pass honestly - and work will be there after mat leave.

Hang in there. You’re doing a great job xx

[Skye55]

Hey, I know how you feel.

My friend gave birth to a preemie a few years ago and wasn’t able to spend his first few hours with her as he had to be incubated. She had little milk and it was drying up fast. She basically bought a hand pump and would pump get boobs a few times a day for a few minutes (like 10 on each?) and slowly but surely her supply came back. You can get yours back too, I’m sure if you research it, there will be masses of stories and examples. X

Also, after my second child I felt that same resentment that you do, I felt like my whole life has turned upside down, I would always think ‘what if I’d taken that MAP earlier?’ ‘I wonder what would’ve happened if we never had sex that night’ and I’d daydream about my life before. BUT you have to remember that babies are so innocent, they didn’t ask to be born, and now that they’re here, we have to just embrace their presence and move on with our lives and get used to what it is now. All we can do really is bring them up in the best way possible without them having to absorb the negative energy we’re feeling. It’s ok to feel the way you do, it’s completely normal, but don’t let it eat you up x