2nd Child - PND or Baby Blues...?

[Thsusnsjsjsh]

Hello all

I had a traumatic birth with my first born which led me to being diagnosed with postnatal depression 3 months postpartum. I got pregnant a year later - being unplanned and so soon after my previous experience, I was naturally very anxious and upset throughout my pregnancy which led me onto a short bout of antenatal depression.

I sought help from my perinatal mental health midwife who prescribed me some antidepressants however i have not taken these yet as i am adverse to medication. I was given an elective caesarian which resulted in a much more positive birth and i felt euphoric following the birth at first and breastfeeding came easily.

However i am now 2 weeks postpartum and have just been hit with a really low mood. Almost like im in this thick dark fog and i literally cannot smile or even fake joy at anything. I know i care about my child and i feel so protective over him as he is a vulnerable newborn. However i feel a disconnect with him too and i almost feel resentful as my previous PND took away my joy of my firstborn's first few months, and now instead of my firstborn i now have this new baby which i never even planned to have. All i want is my firstborns first few months back.

I feel irritable at everything, paranoid my mother thinks i suck as a mother. My husband is unemployed which has just put extra pressure on us as it has meant that we have had to live with my parents due to finance. I feel the most irritated by my husband, everything he does drives me into a rage which just comes out from me as brooding silence and sarcasm. I literally feel like i have nothing to look forward to. The only thing that keeps me going is my beautiful firstborn who i play with all the time as he is the only one that brings me happiness.

I really dont want to go through PND again and am hoping these are the baby blues. Can anyone.relate or has anyone experienced either PND or the baby blues to validate which it is that i am going through?

Thank you all x

[Myusername101z]

Hey I think with pregnancy hormones being so strong you need to wait until about 6 weeks atleast to assess your mood and be able to see if it’s pnd or just hormonal changes/ baby blues.If I were you I would accept it was very very early days and see how you get on. After my DD I felt the same went to the docs about 3 weeks pp and he told me he can either put me on medication which will take a few weeks to set in or give myself a few weeks to see if my feelings clear on their own,I chose the latter. I am so glad he said this and they did took about 6 weeks but one day it all just cleared. Look after yourself and get yourself to gp if it carries on x

[Thsusnsjsjsh]

Thank you so much for the sound advice... i think you're right. I dont want to go through PND again nor take any antidepressants so lets see how it goes and hopefully it clears up soon x

[Aries456]

How are you finding things now? I have been feeling low with DD3 and have had similar feelings about spending time with my DS1 - being around him and doing things with him have made me happy. He is a bit older (4) so I took him to the cinema the other day just to get a bit of bonding time with him as he is at school.now and I felt like I wasn't seeing him! A little bit if time away from the baby helped me appreciate her when I saw her more. Also found now that baby is 6 weeks and cooing and smiling lots I am connecting more. Hope you are feeling bit better now x

[Thsusnsjsjsh]

Thank you for your message :) i am breastfeeding which makes it difficult to get time away from the baby. To add to that, he now has colic and bad gas so its been a bit of a nightmare. I feel like he is never comfortable with me, and it makes me feel like something is wrong with me when i see my mum and sister play with him with so much happiness and pleasure. I just feel numb. Numb towards him, numb towards my husband. All i feel love for is my toddler.

I have now started to get angry too, livid at my mum for making me feel less of a mother and angry at my sister who seems to have no patience or empathy for me at all. I feel angry and impatient and irritated at my husband, i just cant seem to feel any loving warmth towards him at all. I am so sick of having to always apologise for my behaviour but i just cannot control my disappointment anymore.

[Thsusnsjsjsh]

Sorry if thats not the answer you wanted to hear. I just wish i was feeling better, and i was for a week or so.but seemed to have fallen into the dark hole once again.

[Aries456]

I really do sympathise with you. We lived with my parents for first 3 months with DS1 whilst pur house sale went through ans i found it horrendous with my mother. We had some really bad arguments about the baby.
I expect you are extremely tired which adds to frustration and feeling angry - if you are feeling trapped nd alone in your feelings that can make you angry too, and you can't direct it at the baby so you direct it at your husband. I expect you are frustrsted and angry that his lack of job means you are firced to be with your mother and again, though that may not be his fault, atm your hormones and tiredness arent going to lwt you feel rational about that.
I used to look at DS1 and not feel anything, just that I was supposed to look after this baby because I knew I had to. I have had similar feelings with DD3 but it seems to be lifting quicker. I think that is all part of PND and I would say that if you feel it is getting worse arrange to see your GP or HV, they might be able to help. Not wanting to have PND won't stop it being there if you have it. Equally, 2 weeks is v v soon so may just be hormones do need a bit of time to settle.
But also know there is no WAY that baby is happier with anyone than you! It might seem he is all happy for your mum etc but that is a fraction of the time he spends with you. You are probably just so frazzled you can't enjoy those small moments yourself. Try not to beat yourself up about those "lost months" either - no one can tell you how you are supposed to feel when you first have a baby. You will have a lifetime with BOTH your babies to make happy memories and in a few years you wont even remember these dark days. X

[Thsusnsjsjsh]

You are so kind to have spent time to write that comment to me, thank you

[Aries456]

How did your appointment go? X