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AIBU in wanting in laws to offer help?

(20 Posts)
Simmy10 Tue 24-Oct-17 10:29:37

Hi. I wanted some advice on if I am BU in wanting my in laws to offer help with baby. They are very active and involved grand parents to their daughters child (5 years old). SiL has been living with them for the past 4 years and my in laws have changed nappies, done feeds, potty trained, done the night shift, help with playgroup/school drop offs and pick up's. I lived with them for 3 years and saw all of this. While I was pregnant they said to me that they can't help with baby. I had not asked them to, but I think they wanted to tell me up front so I wasn't expecting any help from them. They are pensioners and I would never expect them to do all the things they do for their other grand child. However I do feel like they are using their age as a reason why they can't help me yet it doesn't apply to helping their daughter. My baby is 4 weeks old and they have visited a few times, sometimes with their close friends. They are the doting grand parents when they are here but this annoys me as I feel that they give their friends the impression that they really care and are involved. I know that they don't have to help with baby. I had baby for me, not them but it upsets me that they do so much for one grand child and for the other they are saying their age doesn't allow it. Even if they visited every day and asked if I needed help that would make me happy as I would feel that me and my son are important to them as well. My OH says that it's only natural they help his sister and I shouldn't get upset if they are not the same with me. AIBU in wanting my in laws to treat me like their daughter? Should I accept that as their DIL I will always be second best to them and so will my son?

NotAPuffin Tue 24-Oct-17 12:17:11

Maybe they feel too old to deal with a tiny baby, but they're comfortable with a 5 year old? And they were younger and better able when she was younger and needed nappy changes and lifting. I know my parents were very involved with my two when they were tiny but 5 years on, there's no way they'd be able for a newborn.

Downhillatfifty Tue 24-Oct-17 12:32:38

Wow you sound like you want a lot, your baby is only four weeks old and you are already complaining, maybe they feel that you would like time together as a family. You say "even" if they visited everyday and asked if you needed help which suggests that you ideally would want even more support than a daily visit.
Also you say that you haven't asked for help but you clearly are annoyed that they are not helping as much as you think they should.
You lived with them for three years maybe they feel that they have already helped a lot?
You say that they are using their age as an excuse, they don't need an excuse they don't have to help if they don't want to regardless of age.

Fluffysparks Tue 24-Oct-17 12:36:22

They sound like they’re trying not to be overbearing, honestly most people would complain massively if they came around everyday, how can they win?

Simmy10 Tue 24-Oct-17 17:53:12

Hi. Thanks for your messages. They have given me a different viewpoint to consider. It's not that I want daily support from them, which is probably what my initial message came across like I did; and true if they did come round every day i would probably find that quite over bearing. You are right that they don't have to help if they don't want to.

RockinRobinTweets Tue 24-Oct-17 17:56:28

I’d assume as they told you to not expect help that they feel put upon by your sil. Does she have a partner? She sounds very dependent upon them.

HamSandWitches Tue 24-Oct-17 18:01:09

My MIL was in her 40s when I had my first 2 and she took them all the time, had them overnight and for days out. In that time another 2 GC came along and she done the same with them, by the time I had NO3 she was older and couldn't do it anymore as she was knackered and said she couldn't cope with sleepless nights. I think there is a difference having the other DGD live with them with SIL there plus they are saying the can't cope with a newborn. Would you really want them there in your house helping as I think it would get on my nerves after a while. Would SIL not be open to helping you to have a night off as she has had help.

converseandjeans Tue 24-Oct-17 18:04:15

My SIL got lots of help and I didn't from my parents. No idea why. Try not to expect it. Can't your parents help? I think help with nursery drop offs is ok if you are working otherwise I would assume it to be my job to do the other stuff.

Simmy10 Wed 25-Oct-17 04:33:23

Hi. SIL and father of her little boy are no longer together and havent been for 4 years. She is very dependent on them. SIL doesn't work and as my in laws are so hands on with her little boy , I am a little hurt that they are hands off with my little man. I dont know how to describe it but i dont want them to help me like they do Sil and if they did offer to help i would probably only take them up on doing the odd feed and only during the day. I am hurt by them saying they wont help but if they did offer i wouldnt really take them up on it? Not sure if that makes sense. It may come across like i would have issues either way so my in laws cant win so maybe its my hormones and lack of sleep thats making me sound so contradictory! Sil hasn't picked up baby yet and we don't have the best relationship. My family live an hour and a half away. I moved location when I married my OH to his home town.

Simmy10 Wed 25-Oct-17 04:41:12

Also just to say SIL and ex husband share custody of little boy. He has him at weekends.

Theworldisfullofidiots Wed 25-Oct-17 05:19:49

We had this. Almost exactly the same situation. My dc had a more grandparently relationship with their dgp whilst my sil dc relationship was like having multiple parents but no gp.

Ploppie4 Wed 25-Oct-17 05:26:35

Can you move back home?

Bruceishavingfish Wed 25-Oct-17 05:50:49

My mum and dad were really involved with my first. Because i lived with them and tbey were younger.

When i had my second 6 years later they had aged quite a bit and found a baby much more difficult to deal with and i didnt live with them. They love both my kids the same.

Its also possible that they feel tired and put upon by their dd and trying to make it clear they cant do anymore.

It could also be that they are trying not to crowd you and come across as annoying in laws.

But then you say you would decline offers. So it does sound like they cant win either way.

shakeyourcaboose Wed 25-Oct-17 06:11:12

I don't think it s about OP wanting to 'win' at anything.. I have been where you are although its my parents and my DB. So other way around. Loads of help to DGC there, but minimal visits to us/wanting to meet up, never mind any form of help.

Ohyesiam Wed 25-Oct-17 06:32:56

Sounds like they said they wouldn't help as they already do enough childcare.

HotelEuphoria Wed 25-Oct-17 06:47:33

It sounds as though they were almost full time parents with their first GC due to DDs circumstances and they found it hard. They have said up front they can't do the same again and your circumstances are different and you have the support of their son every day. I think they are just setting boundaries now because quite frank,y they are tired enough.

Don't take it personally.

shouldwestayorshouldwego Wed 25-Oct-17 06:47:47

We had similar situation although further down the road. My Dsis children are considerably older whereas mine are primary age. She has moved closer to them recently (no one lives anywhere near where we grew up). I don't feel as guilty that more of their care falls to her because she had years of unpaid childcare whereas I had to work part time fitting in around dh. I cannot get there during the week without disrupting my work and needing wrap around care (7-7). We are all at different phases and all have different needs.

It is tough having no childcare (none from in-laws either) but I buddied up with friends in a similar position and we would swap babysitting favours so we could go out/ get haircuts etc.

UnaPalomaBlanca Wed 25-Oct-17 06:59:04

It sounds as though you are, perhaps, more hurt (by their comparative lack of interest in your child) than you are in need of their help?
In your mind, the amount they do for you and your baby is a measure of how much you and the baby matter to them? I don’t think the two necessarily correlate. They are getting older and have perhaps had the SIL situation foisted on them?

LittleCandle Wed 25-Oct-17 08:02:34

There is a reason you have children when you're younger - as you get older, its much harder work. DGD is 2 and I am being asked to look after her every other weekend as DD works and is a single parent. Father is 500 miles away and as much use as a chocolate teapot even if he was here. I am dreading the weekends, because I work, too, and I find it very tiring. Since I am continually exhausted anyway, it is an awful lot to ask. DD is looking for another job that doesn't involve working weekends, because I am not willing to do this forever more. Helping out - yes, but not taking her all the time.

Simmy10 Wed 25-Oct-17 08:34:02

Yes, I think I am more hurt by what I perceive to be their lack of interest in my child as I am viewing help as meaning they care. Unfortunately my OH won't move to where my family is. Also I feel like my in laws are constantly praising their daughter and saying what a good job she is doing with child whereas the reality is they do most of the child care. I feel that they always find fault with me. My hurt is that I don't feel part of the family I married into. But as a few of the posts have said - they are probably tired of all the childcare they do and I shouldn't take it personally.

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