Don't know how to keep going

[smellsofelderberries]

My baby is almost 6 months old and I don't want to be a mother anymore. I had a straight forward birth which has left me with a grade 2 bladder prolapse, hole in my pelvic floor and possible levator avulsion. I thought things were getting a little better but I've just come away for a few days with my in-laws who are visiting and driving for 3 hours and getting my daughter in and out of her car seat has left me feeling so uncomfortable and bulgy.

I find it hard to stand still for too long. I find it hard to hold my daughter for more than a few minutes. I can't really lift very much. I can't be out and about all day, I have to come home after a few hours to lie down because I feel uncomfortable. It's not normal.

I feel so hideously deformed and I don't know how I can spend my life feeling like this. I wish I'd never had my daughter. I spend my afternoons lying in bed think of ways I could kill myself, or both of us. I have no plans and I would never hurt her, but I still think it. I keep telling my husband he should go back to England (we are living OS) and take her and forget about me, but he won't. I feel so stuck. I don't want this life. I don't want my organs falling out. I just want to feel normal and don't think I can keep going

[Funnyface1]

Have you had any help from your GP? Is there anything they can do for you? It sounds like you should be referred to a specialist in that area that can deal with a prolapse. Please don't spend your time thinking these thoughts, go find some help.