Terrified that I might have Postnatal depression :(

[emzii206]

Hi mumsnetters, I am so absolutely mortified that I am even writing this thread, but I don't know where else to turn. My dd is almost 4 weeks old, and I feel like I am near breaking point. When she was first born, everything was fine, I felt normal...like my usual self, just with a small person in tow. But the last 2 weeks have been a living hell. She has started getting into this habit of screaming and squirming against her bottle, and tensing her legs up...so feeding time has become a chore rather than the relaxing half an hour its supposed to be - I have since discovered that she's just a greedy guts who was getting frustrated because the milk wasn't coming out quick enough - so I took a 3am trip to tescos last night to get some medium flow teats, and am praying that today will be different. Also, she seems completely against taking any daytime naps whatsoever. I will feed her, burp her, change her bum, and she will be yawning her head off, but forces her eyes wide open to avoid sleep (I've ordered Ewan the Dream Sheep off eBay to see if he helps at all). If I put her in the moses basket, she screams and gets herself into such a tizz that nothing I do seems to soothe her. And what makes the sleep situation even worse, when my husband comes home from work and she's in one of her screaming episodes, he picks her up and she is instantly silent...It's making me feel like my own baby hates me...but then again I count down the minutes to him coming home because then I can just hand her over and let him deal with her (which makes me sound like a vile person, I know). I've tried talking to my mum about how helpless and at the end of my tether I feel, and the only response I get from her is "well it's not always going to be easy" - which is obviously not helpful at all! She seems to think I am just being dramatic, and dismisses it. I don't now if this is just baby blues/lack of sleep, or whether it's turning into something more, I am just way too embarrassed to talk to my HV or GP. I feel like they will either dismiss it as me being silly just like my mum did, or they will raise a red flag against my name and treat me like a crazy person who might hurt her baby! I'm not having any sinister thought about hurting myself or dd, but sometimes I pray for someone to just come and take her away I hate myself for feeling that way, but I just can't help it...I feel like I'm losing the plot!

[NancyDroop]

Oh sweetie, 4 weeks in was a super low point for me. The initial excitement/shock has worn off and the lack of sleep is becoming chronic.

Wanting to hand the baby over is normal. I literally counted minutes and seconds. If my husband was late by 5 mins I was livid.

Your baby does not hate you.She's programmed right now to eat eat eat to get big and strong for survival! She relates you with food so ifls always screaming fot it.

My DD was like this at 4 weeks too.Would not nap in the day just wanted food.

Then it all magically eased at 6 weeks - she was cruising.

It will get better and soon!

Do speak to health professionals though, they are there to help you.

I read a lot of mummy blogs at that time and that made me feel more normal.

[emzii206]

Even though I already know it, it makes me feel better to hear someone else say it will pass eventually! I think lack of sleep is definitely playing a big part in it! I'm going to give up talking to my mum about it because she's no help at all as an emotional crutch...but I've done some googling today, and found a blog written by a woman who sounds like she's in the exact same boat as me, which makes me feel less alone. Hubby has told me off today for not waking him up to help with night feeds, (I usually don't wake him as I feel guilty that he has to get up for work in the morning and I dont) - he was quite adamant that he would rather be a bit tired at work than see me in shit state 24/7!

[NancyDroop]

You're at work yourself 24/7 now so do take your husband up on the offer of doing some night feeds! It will also give your husband some very special memories of sitting with the baby in the night when the world sleeps.

It changes so quickly OP. For the better! I blame a lot on the "enjoy every minute brigade". Right now, with a one month old baby there are a lot of minutes and even whole days that aren't lovely and brilliant, they are downright shit. That's a fact.

But here's some advice I got for these early days, which I clung to, and it turned out to be accurate: tomorrow will be better than today.

[emzii206]

:) thank you so much for replying...I feel a lot less alone, and a lot less like I'm going round the twist! Definitely clinging to the whole "tomorrow will be better than today" thing....indeed, today has been slightly better than yesterday!

[feesh]

Have you got a bouncy chair for her to sleep in? My twins practically lived in theirs at that age as I HAD to put them down to sleep in between feeds, otherwise I would never have had time to make the next lot of bottles up for the next feed. (Only had an hour between feeds by the time I had done both of them).

I used to feed them, burp them, stick them in a bouncy chair and turn the vibrate on and rock it like a mad woman with my foot whilst getting on with feeding the other one. By the time twin 2 had finished feeding, twin 1 would be fast asleep.

The bouncing had to be very vigorous, and the vibrate function helped a lot too.

I'm a big believer in doing whatever it takes to get tiny babies to drop off to sleep between feeds, as I think the better they sleep....the better they sleep, in general, and it helps them to be less grumpy and happier overall. Plus you need the break for your sanity.

If bouncy chairs aren't an option, will she sleep if you go for a walk with the pram?

[BornToFolk]

Please talk to your HV. They've heard this all before and will be able to help.

I had some post-natal anxiety and spoke to my HV about it and she was lovely. It really helped to talk about how I was feeling. She did a questionnaire with me and had some concerns about the results so sent me to the GP. The GP was not so great! Offered me anti-depressants which I turned down but I think that was enough to kind of jog me out of it, if that makes sense?!

I also counted down the minutes to exP getting home and also had daydreams of getting DS adopted! I think thoughts that like are quite normal - it's so tough in the early days. It doesn't make you a bad parent. DS is now 7 and the absolute light of my life.

It does and will pass. Your DH sounds lovely and supportive so make the most of it! Do you have any other support?

For me, things got better around 3 months when DS settled into a bit more of a routine and I went out to baby groups (every single one I could find!) Having a bit of a weekly routine , getting out of the house and talking to people really helped me.

Please don't be scared/embarrassed about the possibility of having PND. And please talk to someone. IME, it really does help.

[PterodactylTeaParty]

When mine was 4 weeks old I apologised to her, in tears, for not knowing how to be her mother.

It got better.

Never did get her to nap in the Moses basket, though. A sling was a lifesaver for me in the early months - she slept in that and I at least had both hands free.

[NancyDroop]

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better emzii. What you're going through is definitely normal.

Some of my lows when my DD was 1 month old (about a year ago):

• It was DH's birthday and I had planned to spend my lazy maternity leave days finding something nice for him (what was I thinking?). I didn't manage to get anything and instead cried "I'm such a terrible wife you deserve so much better!" at him. Happy birthday!!
  

• My boobs hurt so much from breast feeding that every time DD woke up my heart would sink. Massively. A few times after a particularly short 1-2 second nap (she also didn't sleep at all during the day in the first few weeks) I would just go up and hide in my bed and let DH deal with her.
  

You'll get there, you're certainly a very good mother and your baby loves you. You just need to get though this worst bit!

I found the Scary Mommy collection of blogs a good place to read blogs. Also It's like they know us. Genius.

[daisydalrymple]

As others have said please do see your gp or hv. They will do the post natal depression questionnaire with you and see if it's that.

Also babies pick up on our stress so she probably feels dh being calm and having missed her as he hasn't had to cope with a screaming baby- it just tugs at your heart strings and you feel helpless don't you. Re naps are you able to put her in a carrier/sling or pram and get out for a walk? I find that always clears my head, even if you do a circuit very close to home if you're worried about her crying. the fresh air may calm her (although I find with ds2 if he's cranky it's better if I pull the wind or sun shade down if in the pram).

I had pnd with both ds1 and dd but didn't admit it for a long time. if you see your gp they can rule it out, or prescribe anti depressants or talking therapy to help you feel better and start enjoying motherhood more xx

[emzii206]

I wish her swing/bouncy seat would work as I spent a small fortune on it...but she sits in it for a few minutes, then cries :/ she seems to hate the sling and being swaddled :/ all the things that "baby sleep guides" suggest trying haven't worked! I'm putting all my faith in Ewan the Dream Sheep when he finally arrives in the post...and God help the fuzzy little bastard if he doesn't get the job done!! I've always under-estimated the power of mumsnet to be a good support network... But you guys have proved me wrong :) thank you to all of you!!

[atticusfinchatemybaby]

Your feelings are totally normal, whether you have pnd or not. Unless your dp is a heart surgeon in a war zone with no support then his day job is lesd stressful than yours so wake him. At the very least he can do the first or last sleep of the nightso you can get a longer unbroken stretch. You'll be amazed how much betyer you feel if you can get three hours straight. Prioritise getting sleep for yourself above all else. As for baby sleeping, rolling in the pushchair or strapped on me, or on my lap with tit in mouth were the only way my two would sleep. It feels impossible but they change their habits so fast you don't need worry you'll be doing it forever. Babies do not get 'bad habits' - not at thst age at least.
if you still feel down call APNI. They will help you. They saved my life, literally.
Good luck - it WILL get better.

[BornToFolk]

Totally, totally agree with doing whatever it takes to get her to sleep! I had to walk DS in his pushchair for hours to get him to nap, and then later rock him to sleep. I had no end of angst about the "bad habits" I was creating but by 6 months, he was self settling consistently and has been a brilliant sleeper ever since (bar the usual teething/separation anxiety traumas!) Do whatever it takes to get yourself and your DD through and worry about any bad habits later. Will she take a dummy? I was very anti-dummy but used one in desperation at about 4 weeks and it turned out to be the best thing that I ever did with regards to DS's sleep.

Fingers crossed for Ewan! I don't think he was around when DS was a baby, I'm sure I would have tried him!

[daisydalrymple]

Honestly, this phase isn't called the fourth trimester for nothing. I Think we underestimate the transition for babies, snuggled/squashed up inside us one day, huge outside world the next. If you know she's fed, winded, dry, then keep your voice low (I find even now if I focus on my voice being low it keeps me calm) and be consistent and stick with one thing. Even if that's sitting on the sofa watching tv and cuddling her if that works for her. Believe me that won't create a bad habit - ds2 is 6 months now and the minute the TV goes in now he's craning his neck (well that would be a different bad habit if I let him watch ) I so miss the days of being able to watch a film whilst cuddling him, he wouldn't stay still longer than 10 mins now

this stage is for building your relationship and helping her feel secure and knowing you are close by. And you getting some rest when you can xx

[emzii206]

DH is in the forces, so I worry that if he hasn't had proper sleep and goes to work tired, then he will be putting his own, and other people's safety at risk...especially considering his job involves playing with some pretty funky weaponry on a daily basis. But we have agreed that tonight, he will do the first night feed at around 2am (so we will probably head to bed when dd has her bottle at 11ish), and I will do the next one at 5ish. Then by the time she wakes up again it will be time for us to get up anyway.
Dd does take a dummy, but only when she fancies it! More often than not, she sucks it for a few minutes, then spits it out and won't take it back.
It sounds silly, but I now believe people that say babies can sense when mum is stressed...since chatting with you guys this afternoon, I've felt a lot calmer, and hey presto, dd has been a lot better today...still takes a long time to settle her to sleep, but she's screaming a lot less when I try to soothe her!

[Kewrious]

Someone told me on day 17 that the reason babies did not fall asleep or always stay asleep was because no one had told them that sleeping would be good for them. We value sleep because it refreshes us. But babies haven't figured that out (my 3 year old has btw- when he is tired, he says, 'early sleep today Mummy..) and to them sleep is the deep pit into which you fall and who knows what happens then. When I heard this when DS was 17 days old, it made NO difference to his sleeping pattern, but it made ME feel better, IYKWIM, as if there was a 'reason' for the shit sleeping and for sleeping on me all the time.

On a practical basis, here is what we did. DH woke up, got dressed, made tea/toast, washed and sterilised, took out previous load of laundry and put on a new load. Then, I would wake up, feed, hand to DH. Then while DH had some baby time, I would just do a quick tidy up, eat the toast/drink the tea and have a shower. Then DH would make me a sandwich for lunch and leave at 8 am. Manic. But it meant that by 8 am, we were both fed and dressed, there was something for lunch in the fridge and the 'big' jobs- dishes, laundry and a general tidy up had been done. So if the rest of the day was a failure it didn't matter.

Also, on a second practical note, I realised that if I had 4X20 mins slots of baby free time in a day that was amazing in the newborn period. First 20 mins I would make more tea, drink it. Second 20 min slot I would chop up veggies for dinner. If I then got no more 20 mins slots then DH would come home and make that dinner. If I did, then the 3rd 20 mins would be a quick supper. And the final 20 mins would be for more tea and headspace. So if I could put down DS for 20 mins 4 times a day that was a super successful day, most times I stopped at 2/3.

I mention this because I was talking to a new mum and when I said this, she said, oh man, thats all the time I get too. I was feeling shit because I thought all the other mothers could just put down their babies and get on with life. Nope, they can't.

Take care and congratulations!

[FraterculaArctica]

Sounds familiar my DS became a nightmare from about 2 weeks old as well. Screamed almost all day, every day. DH had a break between jobs so he was around all day to help and we still both nearly went insane. I remember telling DH at 1 am, after DS had been screaming for 4 hours solid, 'he just doesn't seem to like being alive' . I did develop post-natal anxiety, and I'm sure having such a very unhappy baby (as well as a difficult birth and immediate postnatal period, in my case) was a major factor. I hope you can find someone who is helpful and empathetic to talk to about how you're feeling, whether that's your HV, GP, friends, or us!

The way I coped was to do my best for DS, even if it didn't seem enough. I spent hours bouncing him up and down on my yoga ball and telling him that he was OK, that he was my baby, that I loved him. And he screamed, and screamed, for hours, and it tore me apart. We introduced a dummy at 4 weeks, much against what I had wanted to do - but it helped, a bit. We also found he had a tongue tie, and got that cut at 7 weeks, and that helped, quite a bit more.

It can be a mixed blessing people saying it will get better at 6 weeks, or 12 weeks, or 6 months... I (and a close friend who had a similarly difficult baby) didn't find any dramatic changes. Hopefully it will get a lot better for you sooner, but don't panic if it doesn't. Very glad you had a better day today though.

[daisydalrymple]

Forgive me for asking this if you've already considered it, but is there a chance she has trapped wind or colic? Just wondering if infacol or similar might make her more comfortable?

[Pico2]

Will she sleep on you? I think Moses baskets are massively overrated. I'm sure some babies do sleep in them, but neither of mine have really. DD2 will nap in a bouncy chair or swing chair for 20 minutes, but will nap on me for 3 hours.

[emzii206]

I did consider both, but after lots of research into the signs and symptoms of both, I'm pretty sure it's not wind or colic....she burps really well during/after a feed, and she doesn't scream for hours on end every single day like a baby with colic...she has the odd really bad day where yes, she does scream and scream and scream some more for good measure, but most days it's just whinging and having short bursts of crying when she's fed up of whinging. - I'm starting to cling to the idea that she will just grow out of it when she figures out that sleep is a nice thing :)

[Gunpowder]

3-5 weeks is THE WORST! once she smiles at you, you will realise she doesn't hate you. Agree with pp who say at this stage do anything you can to get through the days, promise it gets so much easier.

Oh, and DD1 was a similar sounding newborn to yours, now am on DD2 and has made me realise some babies are definitely easier than others so don't compare yourself/your DD with friends and their babies, or beat yourself up, they are all different.

[daisydalrymple]

Just go with the cuddles then

[Roseybee10]

So sorry you're struggling.
My dd was exactly the same and it turned out she had silent reflux which was what was making her feeding so difficult.
The baby swing and the sling saved my life. I'd either pop her in the swing or wear her around the house and it would calm her down a lot.
She's also probably going through her first developmental leap right now which can cause crankiness.

Download the wonder weeks app. It won't fix anything but I found having a reason for the grumpiness helped x

[emzii206]

I started putting infacol drops in her bottles as of 9pm last night...and she slept like a dream! She had a bottle at 11pm, then didn't wake again until 3:30 for another feed, then slept through until 6am. She was much easier to settle too. I think she must have been really struggling to get her wind up, but the infacol seems to be doing the trick! At least I am reassured now that there was actually something wrong with her....not just that she hates me!! She has been like a completely different baby today, and both me and DH have been a lot more like our normal happy selves after a bit more sleep!!

[Roseybee10]

So glad she's been a bit better. She absolutely doesn't hate you hon. It's so hard when they're in discomfort and can't tell you what's wrong.

If it helps, my three month old has cried for two days I have no idea what's wrong with her but just giving her lots of cuddles and hoping it passes. The only way to stay sane as a parent is the mantra 'this too shall pass'.
Xxx

[emzii206]

I keep telling myself that I need to take it an hour at a time rather than get myself stressed out over what I need to be doing and when. I'm such a control freak, I feel really uneasy when things don't go to plan...but obviously dd doesn't come with a pre-programmed schedule and at least I have you guys to turn to when I need an outlet/kick up the arse/telling to get a grip haha