Iam unsure I should be writing here. Unsure of what to write and how to write it.
Brief history - Dh and I had problems in February,(posted a lot on relationships at the time and got lots of advice from MN) he left to give me some space in May.
My minister visits our rural parish once a month and has offered to talk with me, I talk small talk and just say "I'm fine", (but I'm not).
At his service today he talked of God preparing a family for us in Heaven, I have been having vague thoughts of ending my misery, but couldn't leave my children, I have no real friends or family and the thought of this loving family waiting for us, need I go on.
I know thoughts like these are so wrong, but life is so hard, I'm exhausted, can't sleep, and can't talk to anyone. I don't know how to say more than "I'm fine", I say it to my GP too. I know there are lots of people in far worse situations than mine,and I should stop this self pity and all the other rubbish I feel.
I have debated for ages now whether to delete this, but would appreciate your thoughts on whether I should talk to the minister and if so how do I stop just saying Im fine.
I'm so sorry that you are feeling worn out and so sad.
It is hard to say anything but 'I'm fine' to other people when you are telling yourself to 'stop all this self-pity and all the other rubbish'. Your difficulties and exhaustion are real and deserve compassion and care. You ought to speak to your GP, certainly. Insomnia on top of exhaustion is awful to deal with, and you may be depressed also. Please give yourself the kindness that I know you would give to others.
As for thinking about suicide, it is a measure of how low you feel and of course an indication that you should speak to someone. Just from my own experience, which may not at all be yours, suicidal thoughts seem to come almost like a very powerful fantasy of escape -- a bit like dwelling on the thought of winning the lottery. In one swoop all the horrible things are gone, every problem is solved. I have felt like that even without a belief in heaven, so I can begin to imagine how especially compelling the thoughts might be if you add in the talk of God preparing a family for you in heaven.
I think you should talk to your minister -- if he seems like someone who could respond helpfully. I'm sure that among other things he would say that God's love for you is an image of the loving, forgiving care you should have for yourself. And, like the advertising campaign for Christian Aid, he might remind you that Christians believe in life before death -- that our loving care for ourselves as for others belongs in this life as well as the next. So you have a duty of kindness to yourself, a duty NOT to say 'I'm fine'.
So sorry to hear you are feeling so low.
Try and find someone to speak to, maybe not a professional, but anyone you think will be kind to you, in the same way as we here on MN are being kind. Is there a MN near you? Any one of us would have a coffee with you, a little chat and maybe a box of tissues and I bet that there are people around you who could provide that.
Professionals like your doctor and minister are all very well, but there is no substitute for 'ordinary' kindness.
Keep talking to us
Hi, it's ok to admit you're not "fine", even if you don't think your situation is as bad as others might be. It's not selfish of you to need some help now and then - remember we are meant to "love your neighbour as yourself"? well, that means you have to love yourself too, and I'm sure you'd show lots of love and support and compassion to someone else who was in your situation. You just have to accept that sometimes you're going to be on the receiving end of the support, and allow people to help you.
It sounds like your minister knows you're not "fine", and wants to help. Your GP probably the same - they know that you are struggling and want to help you, but they can't force help on you if you won't accept it.
So which of them, or someone else, do you think you might be able to let in? I think you know you have to talk to someone about how much it's all affecting you, even if the thoughts about how you wish it would all stop are not making you think of actually doing something rash.
Then you need to take a big breath, go up to the person and say "Look, I know I've been saying I'm fine, but really I'm not - could we arrange some time to talk about stuff?" and take it from there.
Thank you all for your replies, we live in a very very small community and yes the minister knows some of my situation.
It is so difficult to go back on the "I'm fine". I really don't know what I would say, the arranging a time sounds good though. thank you.
I guess Iam struggling as well with the things you have talked about,
compassion, kindness,care and support and the guilt of not being able to give these things to my dh.Forgiveness as well, I keep thinking I should be doing this, but it is so hard.
Don't think anyone will think less of you for admitting you're struggling, or for having tried to conceal it and manage without help. But sometimes we all need to admit we can't cope with everything. If you'd broken your arm, you'd go to the doctor. If the plumbing in your house needed work, you'd get someone in. You'd think it was part of your responsibility to yourself and your DC to get the support you needed from others in dealing with those sorts of things. Somehow it feels different when it's "only" your feelings you're having trouble with, but they're just as real and can have at least as big an impact on your life.
And don't beat yourself up if you feel that you "should" have done more within your relationship - you're clearly ground down by it all, and there's a limit to what anyone can do. Once you feel stronger yourself, you can think it through with more clarity.
For now, concentrate on how you can open up to someone about how you feel. I think arranging a time works well because you probably won't want to feel you're being an "inconvenience" by talking to your minister after a service, or your GP in a normal slot, but if you know you've both set aside some time then you can talk about things more freely. I think once you know you've got a time and space set aside for it, it won't feel so hard to start talking.
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