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Should I tell the church or wait?

(12 Posts)
whatawally Tue 16-Sep-08 09:53:19

First of all, I wanted to say thank you for your help previously with me. I'm not sure if I did say thanx at the time, my head's a bit all over the place at the moment.

The situation we have at the moment is that next thursday the church are going to vote on whether or not to employ my dh as a full time Youth and Community worker. The eldership are very much behind us we are just needing the congregation to decide where they are at.

At the moment my dh is is in full time employment with the Navy and is youth deacon for the church. As you can imagine this takes up quite a lot of his time (youth work can be quite demanding).

So by him leaving work to work for the church, he will not only be able to dedicate more time to youth work and start the projects he wants to. But he will also be able to dedciate more time to his family.

For some people in the church us having a young family has been a stumbling block. Our girls are 6,5 and 2. And the two oldest are home-schooled.

As I have said by him taking up this job it will actually allow more time for our family as he not be trying to juggle a full time and a part time job.

Now here's were it gets sticky. I am 11 weeks pg. By the time we have the meeting I will be 12 weeks pg. We have told a few close friends in the church, but not everyone. Due to the fact that in january I had a missed m/c and I want my scan first so I know everything will be ok.

I have no date for m scan yet, but it is likely to be the week after the meeting.

So lets imagine everything goes well at the meeting and dh gets the job. Then the following week I tell them i'm pg. How awful would that look to the church members. Like we've been hiding it from them for fear dh wouldn't get the job if they knew. Which of course is not the truth.

On the other hand if I tell them it will give them more to worry about regarding our young family. And could thus create an even bigger stumbling block for us. Despite, as I have previously said dh getting the job will actually be better for us family wise. People can sometimes find that difficult to see.

So I dont know what to do. The last thing I want is for the church members to think we were being sneaky by not telling them. But it is natural for most parents not to tell about a pg until they are past the 12 week point.

Your advice on this would be great. Thanx

AMumInScotland Tue 16-Sep-08 10:54:24

Personally, I'm of the opinion that how many children a person has, or whether or not they might have more, is not an employer's business. The fact that the employer would be a church, and that you also know the people involved, should not be relevant. I assume from the way you've described the situation that this isn't a job vacancy which would be advertised in the normal way, which maybe changes the legal position, but morally they should make a choice on whether they believe your husband is capable of doing the job, and should not be basing that on his family life.

So, in short, I don't think there is any need for you to mention your pregnancy to them, until you choose to do so.

nickytwotimes Tue 16-Sep-08 10:57:24

What AMmu said.
Also, surely as a dedicated family man, your dh would be a great bonus to the church?
All the best with the scan.

Seeline Tue 16-Sep-08 11:08:11

I agree too - it's up to you when you tell people you are pg and who you tell. The fact the someones wife is pg, when they go for a job interview has no relevance on their suitability for the job. If it makes you feel better, don't tell the church immediately after the scan - given your history it would be understandable if you wanted to wait a little longer than normal in any case. Good luck to you both.

justabouthadcurry Tue 16-Sep-08 11:10:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyMuck Tue 16-Sep-08 11:16:01

I wouldn't say anything beforehand. Tbh if youve already told a couple of friends and it is likely to be a huge issue then the chances out that word will get out this week anyway. I'm afraid that many churches spread gossip faster than good news.

If the eldership are behind his appointment then I suspect that they will keep the members on board.

whatawally Tue 16-Sep-08 11:54:36

Thanx for your advice - Yes in normal circumstances I feel that he employer should not need to know the family dynamics.

I spoke to a few of friends about it this morning (they are from our church) and they all agreed with you really. That this is my personal life and has no relevance to whether or not dh can do the job.

I suppose the only issue is that he church had been praying for a married couple to take leadership within the youth of the church. It has never been discussed that I would be employed by them also. Dh is the one who would be drawing the salary, but it is expected that I will support him and help him out.

I feel that nbeing pg wont actually change that in the long term, though when the baby is very small we would have to allow for the demands on my time.

I should mention that the baby is due at the begining of April and dh is not set to start the job until late june/early July. Which actually gets the first couple of months with a newborn out the way before he even starts.

justabouthadcurry Tue 16-Sep-08 12:06:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AMumInScotland Tue 16-Sep-08 12:11:51

Ah, the joys of church life... one employee, one salary, but two workers... If they're expecting you to "support" their employee for free, that's even more reason why it's none of their business grin

AMumInScotland Tue 16-Sep-08 12:56:49

That last comment maybe came out a little sharper than I meant, but it is often the case that where the husband has a ministry it is just automatically assumed that the wife's ministry is supporting him in that. This can be a problem when you don't feel any call to that ministry, or feel that you actually have your own calling to do something else. So, if you do feel called to youth ministry within your church, that is lovely. But they should not be assuming that you are going to be involved, and unless they are planning to employ both of you then they should be basing their decision simply on what the job is, whether they want to pay someone to do it, and whether your husband has the qualitites they are looking for. Anything which you choose to do as a volunteer is your own business, and the effects which your DHs hours and conditions have on your home life are for the two of you to discuss, which I'm sure you did, before he looked at a career change. They should not be considering employment on any other basis than that.

justabouthadcurry Tue 16-Sep-08 15:54:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Smithagain Tue 16-Sep-08 21:08:52

I think you should tell them when you normally would tell them - i.e. not before 12 weeks if that's your normal pattern.

If you already have three young children, having another shouldn't make any significant difference to your family logistics, in terms of juggling work and home life.

I have just started a job as a Family and Children's Worker. I was asked at interview about how I would safeguard our own family time, which I think is a reasonable question in the context of the job. But I wouldn't expect the church to require any more details than a normal employer would - and a normal employer would not expect full details of a prospective employees home life.

And you do need to make sure that you and he are very clear about where the boundaries lie in terms of your involvement in church work - and his continued commitment to home life. Personally, I'm finding that having a paid position actually makes it easier, because the hours I'm expected to do are more clearly defined than when I was a volunteer. We have identified a monthly pattern which includes defined weekend time off, so that we can still worship as a family, for instance.

But it's still early days and I know I'm going to have to carry on working on it.

All the best.

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