Hi namechange
That's a very lucid post, you've obviously been pondering things for a while now.
I'm no expert and never will be, but I can give you my ponderings if that's ok.
I'm a Christian through choice, but somewhere in that I do believe that God called me too. I've never had a big lights in the sky experience either, but I have felt peace, calm and reassurance at times which I believe is from God. I believe that God knows who I am and knew who I was going to be from before the beginning of time. I'm in the plan somewhere.
Sometimes we look at life and it looks like the back of a tapestry or cross stitch - all knotted, tangled and messy. But God looks at the finished picture from the other side - a perfect scene coming together over time. He knows about the mistakes and missed opportunities but he allows them to happen in order to create the bigger picture.
I don't believe that God made the crap in the world.
I believe that the world was made (however that happened!) perfect and complete, but somehow has begun to rot and corrode. We have the story of Eden to show us that it ultimately comes down to the selfishness of humanity. The Bible talks about the earth experiencing labour like pains before a new birth and I think that rings true for me.
There is pain and evil in this world that was never intended to be here, but strangely God knew that it would happen.
I believe that some of the things you describe are allowed to happen. We've had bereavement, redundancy etc (in small measures compared to some I appreciate) but I've felt carried through those times.
the Bible talks about God grieving along with us when these times come. The planet is diseased and dying because of human corruption, deception, selfishness - it's physically falling apart in places too. I believe that inhabitants and the planet itself are inextricably and spiritually bound together. I nthe same way that our bodies contain some of the same properties as stars - we're all connected.
God has perfect timing for his answers and I'm so sorry about how trite that comes across in type. It really does sound simplistic, but I can only give you my experience and understanding.
God has shown again and again that he waits for the right time before acting. Often I believe he takes a back seat, because so many people have denied his existence and I imagine Him sadly shaking his head and sitting back as He's been asked to do by billions of humans.
Other times I think of it as if I'm at a roundabout waiting for a clear road to cross, but I'm only looking left, thinking I can second guess God and come up with the solution to my problems, but all the while God has been there looking to the right waiting for the obstacles to move or in some cases actually intervening himself.
This is so waffly - I wish I could be speaking face to face - I really don't come across well in type.
Um..... as for your feelings - they are natural and human. We are relational beings, made to love and be loved - you are craving that relationship and that's a God given desire BUT you also know that with such huge desires and depth of feelings that as Christians we are asked to be responsible and self controlled with our feelings.
Look at the Trinity - the ultimate in relationship - completely intertwined, working together, unbroken and perfect.
Look at these feelings you have for this other person. What is it that you love about them - what have you seen in them that has sparked you on the inside so powerfully? But remember that for love to be love, it must be tied up tightly with commitment, trust, faithfulness and honesty - if these things are there and aren't mutual then I wouldn't call it love. Strong attraction - yes, but not love.
This is from Philipians 4:8
Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious?the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.
Do your feelings fit into this model? They may feel powerful and and deep, but dwelling on them can only bring heartbreak. Especially if it will impact on your feelings for whoever you're committed to at the moment.
Call on God, confront Him, tell him how you really feel. I can tell you that he's been waiting for you to be honest with him about your doubts, fears and temptations.
Jesus was tempted. Hugely! By the devil himself. Temptation is not a sin - it's what you do about it that might lead you away from doing the right thing.
ASk for strength - tell God you're struggling. Don't ask for these feelings to get taken away - but ask how to deal with them. You have been given a gift of feeling deeply - but the feelings and emotions are misdirected towards one person who you know is not yours to be attached to. So think about the person that you're committed to and ask to see them how God sees them.
Love isn't just a feeling. It's a pure and holy spiritual force with great power. It has impacts in the spiritual realm when it's employed in a Godly way. You and your partner could come through this so much stronger, more tightly knit together that this might be the beginning of a real renewal of both of your experiences of each other and God in your lives.
Ecclesiastes 4:12 says:
"Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."
You and your partner make up 2 cords - add God in as a third and you will be united and strong physically, emotionally and spiritually.
You've unearthed a hunger for so much more in life. I believe that's a call from God - you've just been misdirected along the way (I'd call that the devil - the ultimate deciever and confuser, some other Christians might not) but either way the outcome is up to you. You have free will. You choose what to do next.
I"m just spilling out what comes into me head at ehe moment, so many apologies for anything that doesn't make sense, but I am praying for you.
I would recommend CS Lewis or Prof Don Carson for some good reading. 'Mere Christianity" (Lewis) is good 'The Difficult Doctrine of the Love of God' (Carson) is very meaty, but useful. A lot of friends have recommended 'Velvet Elvis' here, but I've not read it yet - sounds good.
Keep posting.
Roseylea is a good listener too - I'll try to direct her over here
Praying that God invades your everyday life in a new and powerful and unavoidable way.