Please help me rephrase a couple of sentences. They sound really clumsy atm

[Enigma]

I know what I want to say (and here it is):

"Whilst Cleopatra was Egyptian, Plutarch would nevertheless have regarded such behaviour as louche and unacceptable. Writing some three hundred years after events, Plutarch?s evidence for Cleopatra?s alleged drinking and gaming is questionable, but all the more telling (of his prejudices) that he conjectured this was so."

Is it proper English like to say "that he conjectured...."?

Thanks....

[Enigma]

(P.S. 'proper English like' was sending myself up - I don't really talk like that. At least not on Wednesdays)

[fourlittlefeet]

Although C was Egyption, Plutarch would still have regarded such behaviour as louche and unacceptable. Writing some three hundred years later, his speculative predjudice is highlighted by the questionable evidence for C's alleged drinking and gaming.

there. had a go at least!

[fourlittlefeet]

sounds like a fascinating subject

[Enigma]

Oh I am liking that - much better / succinct. Thanks!

[RustyBear]

Actually iirc, Cleopatra was Greek - the Ptolomies were descended from Alexander the Great & didn't intermarry with the Egyptians.

[fourlittlefeet]

lol

[Bink]

1. Do you mean "whilst"? I think your first sentence is saying that, in Plutarch's eyes, Cleopatra's behaviour was appalling even in the context of Egyptian mores (of which he presumably disapproved, in the first place). It's a complicated thought and needs two sentences.

1. "all the more telling" seems to relate to P's "evidence"; and "this was so" is unclear too. How about "... P's evidence for C's alleged drinking and gaming is questionable*, and it is itself a demonstration of his prejudices that he should build his case on such thin proof."

*I hope you will be picking apart the evidence and showing how it is questionable, as that's what I'd be interested in in your essay.

[Enigma]

Ah RustyBear I know that she was descended from Alexander the Great's Generals and thus of Greek lineage, but she regarded herself as Egyptian and was the first Pharoah to speak Egyptian....

[Louandben]

Whilst C was Egyptian, Plutarch would nevertheless have regarded such behaviour as louche and unacceptable. Although his evidence for C's alleged drinking and gaming is questionable, Plutarch's prejudices in this regard are revealed through his conjectures on the subject, written some three hundred years later.

Or have I totally changed what you are trying to say?!?

[Enigma]

Nope - that works too Louandben (spoilt for choice now!)

[PeaMcLean]

Although Cleopatra was Egyptian, Plutarch would have regarded such behaviour as louche and unacceptable. Writing some three hundred years later, Plutarch?s evidence for her alleged drinking and gaming is questionable. Perhaps his conjectures say more about his own prejudices.

??

[Hassled]

I don't like the "whilst C was Egyptian" start - it implies that her behaviour was OK for an Egyptian but even allowing for that, P still felt it to be louche and inacceptable. Is that what you meant to say? If so, you need to make the meaning clearer - "whilst C was Egyptian" on it's own isn't enough.

Second sentence suggestion:

Given that P was writing 300 years after the events he described, the quality of his evidence for C's drinking and gambling is questionable. His assumption that she took part in these activities implies a level of prejudice on Plutarch's part.

[Enigma]

Hassled, the preceding sentences explain that drinking (alcohol) for Roman women was expressly forbidden (Plutarch was Roman)...Cleopatra was Egyptian though so I was acknowledging that it might have been culturally acceptable in Egypt (but not for Romans - so Plutarch would have seen it as degenerate) iyswim

[Enigma]

It's a good job drinking is not expressly forbidden for me. I've just gone and helped myself to a can of London Pride and some weightwatchers lemon and ginger biscuits!

[Louandben]

sounds like an interesting combination - is that what Cleopatra would have gone for?!

[Enigma]

lol, who knows!