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How to let go.(long sorry)(7 Posts)
My DS is 19 and has moved out of home to start his life in another country not too far away.
He has a GF who I can only decribed as controlling and muliptive. She has a set against me, I don't know why it seemed to happen over night.
When DS was still in school and u18 he had rules, not many but some. Like no staying out late on school nights (10,11 pm depending on age and activity) as he needs sleep.
When she didn't get her way GF would send me horrible nasty texts.
I always ignored her or tried to make amends. Basically pandering to her.
This week has been a horrendous week for me, I've been very busy with work and course work. I've been missing what's app messages from friends and family and apparently also her.
She texted me a horrible message yesterday and I was so annoyed I sent a message back basically saying how dare she speak to that way, she has no manners and she shouldn't judge me.
I am sick of being bullied by her.
Problem is now DS is ignoring me.
I am both annoyed and heart broken that he thinks it's okay for someone to speak to me the way she does. We were very close before her. I am starting to wonder if I did something wrong. I have told him I love him and I am always here for him.
How do I let him go and start living my life again. All of this is making me sick.
How did others cope with it.
Gosh that sounds awful. I would block her and see if you can have a 1-1 conversation with your son to try and understand the issues. Explain what she is saying and how it makes you feel - and that you think it's an overreaction. Give him the opportunity to explain what he thinks you have done wrong. If nothing, then you need to understand why he isn't sticking up for you.
The problem with adult children is just that - they are adults. They don't idolise you as their caregiver anymore, they see you as an equivalent adult and judge you in the same light. It can be a really tricky transition. Hang on in there.
That is a difficult situation but it sounds like you not allowing the gf to treat you badly is long overdue. I would urge you to not think of it as letting go but of having some personal boundaries with the way others treat you especially if they are adults. How does your son get on with her parents? Would he speak to them like that? He may have a tendency to side with his gf and this is not uncommon but time to consider the situation might be helpful to him. Do things for yourself and don't engage in any he said she said, slanging matches or emotional blackmail (I'm not saying that you would anyway) whilst the dust settles.
Thanks for the replies. My DS gets on well with her parents but even if he didn't he would never send texts like I got to them.
I didn't tell my DS what she said as I'm sure he knows. I texted him asking how his week has been and telling him about mine.
It is a very tricky transition alright Spanishwife. I get a little upset when I see all his old friends talking and laughing with their parents. Myself and DS used to be like that. He used to have friends too, now he doesn't.
I really feel for you, I can't imagine all the emotions mixed up in this. Things may turn around in the future, but stand up for yourself and protect your feelings too. Don't just pander in the fear that they'll cut you out. You wouldn't let another adult treat you that way.
There's a chance he doesn't know and that she's feeding him the 'your mom is such a bitch' line... (And has done for a long time). You won't know unless you sit and have an honest chat.
Thanks Spanishwife. I will try and talk to him again once things settle down a bit.
You just gotta block her. Totally ignore everything she send you and give her no reaction whatsoever.
She's a teenager and you are an adult. Do not bring yourself down to her level. Let your son have his relationship, and you do what you can to foster/maintain your relationship with him, but you do not have to allow the gf to have access to you in any way.