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Mothers in law - are dil being being unfair in the way they interpret your behaviour ?

(7 Posts)
Sk1208 Sun 22-Apr-18 15:57:26

I feel like I have become so internally hostile ( not able to explode as I would lose my marriage), because of the way I was betrayed by my mother in law and the way I am supposed to accept it as part of life and be more than loving towards her for the sake of being the bigger person.

I can’t go into the specifics but in a nutshell she has betrayed me when I was super soft and sweet and laid back with her to a point where I let her choose my wedding deess and jewellery because she insisted and I didn’t want to upset her... but she did end up trying to turn my husband against me -unprovoked at all- behind my back.. in a sly way.

I struggle to see her in a positive light. I now question every smile and action even if outwardly looks kind because I have seen her be fake with everyone.

But I would like to hear from mother in laws out there, to improve my understanding of her as to not take it personal .... do u feel there are certain things u wishes ur daughter in laws would understand ??? Is it at all about trying to make her understand or is it purely about ur relationship with ur son?

For me, my mil when her son isn’t obeying her to the letter she blames me for it, and when he obeys her she thinks he is too good for me... either way I get to be the bad guy... and it seems to me to be all a matter of obedience=good. He is an adult (25) and recently married to me, me ans her were on very good terms before marriage ...after marriage the good terms stayed with my efforts... until my efforts declined a little because I was hurt by something she did/Said and then she became extremely hostile

pallasathena Sun 22-Apr-18 18:43:01

Some MIL's have an inflated sense of their own importance. Mine certainly had as she made a career out of being a mother and a grandmother who had to know every last detail of what all her adult children and their spouses were doing. She was basically a bully and all her adult kids were terrified of her.
I wasn't. And as a consequence, I think she felt that she had to 'tame me'.
I found it relentless, annoying, it gave me the rage at times because my DH couldn't or wouldn't step up and tell her to wind her neck in, stop interfering, stop creating unfounded gossip and rumours and just try and be kind.... But she hated me with a passion and there was nothing I could do to change her opinion.
He was the only son, the golden boy. She'd done an almighty number on him and all her adult children.
All five of them danced to her tune.
I coped, eventually, after three years of trying to make allowances, by getting some counselling and I learned how to detach emotionally and physically.
Then there was a terrible invasion of privacy and the spread of a nasty rumour which left me reeling.I felt so strongly that I couldn't continue any future relationship with her, so I calmly informed DH that I was permanently withdrawing from any future interaction.
And I did.
For ten long years until she died. I didn't go to weddings, christenings, meals out, days out, didn't visit or send cards but encouraged DH to do as he wished.
It caused problems, serious problems that almost led to us separating but we somehow pulled back from that.
Some MIL'S are lovely and some are rabid. I had the misfortune to have the latter. Detach...otherwise you'll end up in a constant rage with it all.

Prestonsflowers Sun 22-Apr-18 20:35:20

I’ve been a DIL once or twice 😉and have got on with each MIL very well.
I also have a 40 year old DS, he is married now to a fabulous woman, they have 1DC and another one on the way. My DIL is a great mother to my DGS and I love spending time with them, I follow her rules even though sometimes I don’t agree with them! And I never tell her I don’t agree. I’m at their house every other week, I look after DGS, cook, shop and do anything I can to help them.
My DS is the apple of my eye, but he’s not mine to control, he is a person in his own right, not an extension of me. I brought him up and have sent in out into the world to make his own way, don’t get me wrong, I’ll always be there for him and he knows that but you have to let them go, how else can they continue to grow?
My DS has only been with my DIL for 6 years so he has had a few relationships, most of them I got on well with except for one, it was a 9 year relationship and towards the end I hated her. She was a loathsome disgusting, manipulative bitch. And she was very fake towards me, I could feel it, but not many others could see it.
So after the long post from me
If you feel that your MIL is fake towards you then you are probably right, and if her attitude has changed since you got married then she is the one with the problem. It seems that she is pretty bad with others so it’s not you. As her DIL there doesn’t seem to be much you can do.
I see lots of advice on here telling the OP that her DH should tell the MIL, but I’d be pissed off that my DIL felt that she couldn’t talk to me. But then this is Mumsnet and MILs are the bitches from hell
I love my DIL and she loves my son and that’s good enough for me.

SelkieUnderLand Sun 22-Apr-18 20:41:29

Not a mother-in-law but but..... my x mil got my back up by assuming that I'd be easy to manipulate. That I wouldn't see through her attempts to manipulate me

I hope I never pull those stunts when my DC bring home partners (if they do). Nobody's perfect and I know that. I think I can live with other people's foibles! and hope that they'd live with mine! It was the deliberate intention to erode my boundaries for her convenience that set us off on a very bad footing.

I do read things on mumsnet though and i think, come on, can you not just let that slide! Things I would consider minor, so I do think a lot of daughters-in-law have very fragile self-esteems and feel threatened by their mothers-in-law who sound well-meaning to me.

SelkieUnderLand Sun 22-Apr-18 20:46:34

ps, my own parents also mistake gratitude for obedience. They have done/given a lot and I am grateful. Genuinely, deeply grateful but I discovered a few years ago they want obedience too. They don't have the self-awareness to recognise that though. They just get upset if I don't take their advice and do what they want me to do. I ended up yelling at my father that he was mistaking gratitude for obedience. He'd no answer for that but he didn't go home and think about it. He sulked and wouldn't speak to me.

Sk1208 Sun 22-Apr-18 21:08:49

@athena that sounds sad. I think I’ve reached that stage but now that I have a child I’m finding it hard to detach because I would feel bad explaining to the child that their beloved grandma is not lovely.

I also feel when I detach my husband struggles to do his duties to his mother and I end up getting blamed for it... even though I remind him to speak to her and visit her ...

So I recently broke my detachment rule and started sending her photos of my newborn child.

She has done so much things that will shock you but I decided to try move on so won’t type up about it but I’m so hurt but so dumb at same time because I put her feelings above mine on so many occasions.

@Preston u sound like a lovely mother in law, I soo much would’ve loved to have such a relationship. I feel like my mil assumed that my kindness to her was fake and manipulative - but I really can swear I was genuine.. I loved her sooo much and did sooo much for her but I think she was treated badly in life that she assumed that I was hiding something under my sleeve. I really was genuine... or maybe that’s just who she is.. I’m glad ur son didn’t marry that girl, it’s sooo good for the women around him to be on the same page.

@selkie.. yh sometimes the attitude of mumsnetters surprise me. I find a lot of he responses selfish and uncompromising that I wonder how they’re keeping a home... but to be fair, both mothers in law and daughters in law have been stung by society- girls didn’t have it easy so probably they found it hard to see eye to eye, and we should reasonwigh both.

I did try my best for theee years putting her needs before mine... until one day she made me lose it because of how she tried to cause a huge intentional rift in my marriage and indirectly hinted at how she can convince a man to divorce his wife....

Then my love turned into passionate dislike.. I felt betrayed.

Kelwar Thu 31-May-18 06:11:16

my mum is due to inherit some money very soon and while my aunt is giving a wedge to my cousin, my mum hasn't said she will offer my brother and I a penny but instead has spoken of all the lovely things she will spend the money on for herself... she has pleaded poverty our whole lives and has never given us anything, we both struggled as young adults and with her new found (surprise) inheritance it would be nice if she helped us a little.. or have a little to her grandchildren... I feel a bit hurt as I would definitely give to my children if I were in the same boat

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