Can things improve?

[Timeforachange68]

I've written before about my strained relationship with my son & things have not improved. Every interaction we have at the moment is fraught & he frequently makes me cry.

I just wondered if any of you that have been through this transition period (teenager to adult) if you went through a bad patch, how did things get resolved? I want to have some kind of relationship with him, he's my son & I can't stand things as they are

[Buckingfrolicks]

I wish I could help you. My DS is 20 and speaks to me in monosyllables. It's so sad; I've been in tears too, many times. I just hold on to those memories of him as a baby/little boy, I DID have that time and he can't take it away.

I just hope time improves things. I'm so sorry you're in this position

[Timeforachange68]

Aw thank you. I wish it didn't affect me some much. He upset me again today saying he wasn't planning on being here for Mother's Day & then changed his mind and came back - he seems to have changed in a very short period of time & I miss the lovely lad he used to be 😕 - I'm sorry you're in a similar position too

[Dancinggoat]

I think the teenage stage starts later in boys and carries on into their early twenties.

What is happening to their brain is it's trying to be independent.
The way the brain does this is to make them feel hatred, embarrassment and loathing towards their parent.
Boys display it by sulking and withdrawing.
Some get this feeling stronger than others.
It makes them distance themselves from their parents and become independent.
At the same time boys are feeling sexual and are juggling that with other feelings of love and affection.
They hate showing parents affection because it is odd as they are trying to put these emotions into categories.
Some young people have difficulty transitioning out of it. Be patient but say that something is hurtful. It's a really hard time.

[Timeforachange68]

Dancing thanks so much for that - what you've said really resonates. It's so hard because he has always been such a lovely & loving lad and this period of difficulty has coincided with a new relationship (for him) which seems to be exacerbating the situation
He is my pfb so it's new territory for us all!

[Buckingfrolicks]

Mine "borrowed" my phone charger last night. When I asked for it back tonight, he said "in a bit". I had to leave the room!! Then10 mins later he gets it, and drops/throws it on the sofa without a word.

It's this kind of crap that drives me crazy. They say "chose your battles" so do I let this rudesness go? They also say "don't stand for any disrespect" so should I say something?! "They" being MN of course.

What makes it worse imo is his dad was there throughout and said not one word. It's always me who does whatever passes as challenging bad behaviour in our house. I ducking hate it. TBH I wish DS would live elsewhere

[Timeforachange68]

The attitude sounds very familiar & I probably challenge more than I should but it does cause friction.

My ds should be living somewhere else (most of the time!) he's paying a fortune for a room in a house at uni & has barely stayed there this year. I think I would definitely find it easier to detach from his life if he was conducting it elsewhere!

[GoingGrey42]

So it's not just me?
I thought I was a bad parent feeling as though I was losing my son who is now 20. He's no longer the loving boy he was. He can be rude and arrogant with no thought for anyone, I've often been moved to tears which just isn't me, then he's back to being his old self. I know it's a transition phase from boy to man and I really try to support him, often to the annoyance of hubby. It's hard to accept especially as both daughters have been so easy in comparison.

[Timeforachange68]

It does feel like that doesn't it goinggrey? I have nothing to compare it to as my ds is my eldest - apart from how friend's children are with them & then again everyone's family situation is different.

My son objects to us asking him what he's up to - even if it's only in conversation. I don't expect a full itinerary!

Is your son living at home?

[user1482332900]

I’m going through similar issues with my son, he’s not long turned 20; split from long term gf a few months back but was cheating, since he’s been with this new gf they do nothing but argue and he has changed so much, he’s in a financial mess and so abusive verbally to me, AIBU as I’ve had enough now and packed his room up in bags and told him to live elsewhere. There is a lot more back story to this, but I just wanted to ask advice how people cope with it, I’m heart broken that this is happening and I’m losing my once loving son. (Apologies as I’ve never posted before and don’t want to hijack someone’s post)

[Namechanger1404]

Glad I’m not the only one, although my DS (20) has never really been a cuddly loving boy. He treats me with contempt, or that’s how it feels/looks. He treats the gf like a princess, but I’m totally disrespected.

I just want consideration. He just takes and takes and gives nothing back, so yes OP, completely understand where you’re coming from.

[Buckingfrolicks]

I left back in April, finally had enough of it and all made worse by his DF my DP not backing me up. Since then my DS has not spoken a word to me. And is carrying on just the same. I despair honestly.

[Namechanger1404]

bucking that is so sad, I really hope things sort themselves out, your DS is young, as he matures things may be very different, that doesn’t help your current situation though, I’m so sorry

[Timeforachange68]

Namechanger that's just how I feel - I wrote the original post in March and things have improved a little but I think that's mainly because I've been trying to let things go & let him do his own thing. He as gone back to the job he had last summer.

Bucking I'm so sorry that your situation has got so bad.

User I know exactly where you're coming from - we've been on the verge of this a couple of times but it hasn't come to the crunch so far

[user1482332900]

Well almost a month after everything blew up and he’s still not come home or bothered to collect any of his stuff, he’s been in a fight and had a bottle smashed over his head, suffered concussion but no stitches, I tried to call him last fri night but he didn’t answer, however at 3am he called me and my husband, we didn’t answer as we were asleep, I text the next day to ask if everything ok and he said he’d called to see if I had “so n so’s” number, then asked if he had any post..... first time no abuse has come from him, so I am clinging to hope that he is gradually calming down. Still so worried ref his finances and that he’s so angry all the time.

[Timeforachange68]

I'm so sorry things haven't improved much & although our situation hasn't escalated as much I don't feel in any place to dish out advice because things aren't really any better here. My ds has been on holiday but now he's back it's business as usual - always arguments apparently always my fault - when did it get so hard?

[user1482332900]

Timeforachange; it’s so hard isn’t it, and no manual to help us! My son told me it’s my fault too, have since found out that the bottle smashed on his head was by the gf 😮 have had to keep this info secret as he doesn’t know I know. Think pride is now standing in his way...... i question my parenting why he’s turned like this 😔. I’ve no idea what’s coming next now, so worried about him still.

[Timeforachange68]

I keep questioning how we've raised him too but my dh keeps reminding me that it's ds that's changed & not us!

They just don't get that we still worry even though they are essentially adults

[BusyB77]

It must be something we all go through I just wish my mom would've said something. Or my mother in law.
My now adult kid he never said where he is going or help with nothing.
Sometimes I feel like is my fault for the way I and and raising them.

[onlymyselftoanswerto1]

Currently going through hell with my 18year old ds. In the past 6 weeks I don't think there's been a single day he hasn't reduced me to tears. He comes home ridiculously late, like 4/5am on weeknights when he has to work (as do I) at 8.30, then can't be woken so is late to work very often. He's been lying and dabbling in drugs and I'm just at my wits end. I'm a single parent of 2 boys - the younger one is 16, it's affecting him too. Don't think I can do this once nevermind twice I cant get my anxiety under control and I have visions of the police coming to my door to tell me he is dead.

[Iblinkedandiamold]

My son has moved out. He's only 19 and I miss him. His GF has control over him and I don't think he's very happy.
I am a lone parent, no-one in my life. Although I have quite an active Social life I miss him so much. The last year was he'll for both of us. He began to steal from me and the blame me. He felt (I think anyway) guilty about it which him lash out more. A side I'd never seen of him. He blocked me from his Facebook then unfriended me. All encouraged by GF and her family.
We were very close now we barely talk.
I know it's a transition, I know I did the same at that age but I have cried so much over it.
He was here last night with GF of course because he can't go anywhere with her. Young love right.
Thing is I'd feel way better if he moved out with his friends ( not that he has any left now) not into his GF house.
DS spends all his time with GF and her family.
I so didn't mean to spill all that. I just meant to say I miss my son. I hope things turn Back full circle.