DD 22yrs and Friendships .. I need advice !

[MrsTeapot63]

My dd is 22 and suffers with social
Anxiety. Please if anyone can give me some advice I'd be grateful. Let me explain, in the sixth form she would hang out with a group of friends, although probably on the edge of the group. Anyhow there was one boy who she seemed to get along with quite well as they had the same interests, sense of humour and he was laid back. At the prom they danced had fun etc.. and then went their separate ways. Then out of the blue the boy made contact to go for coffees etc.. dd was at Uni locally. They went to the theatre which seemed like a date to me, but dd insisted just as friends. Dd thought everything went fine but apparently not. She didn't hear from the boy again until a friend set them up in a double date about a year later. He was very uncomfortable and only relaxed after a few beers dd just acted normally. Yet again she didn't hear from him for another 18 months, in the meantime he has joined the RAF which to me probably means he has grown up a bit. So here we go again, he has got in touch with her a month ago, chatting on line meeting up for coffee both getting on like a house on fire. Dd challenged him re the theatre visit and then their friendship going off the rails, as she had no idea why. He said it was all him he just wanted to focus on getting into the RAF and he cut himself off from all his friends. He met up with dd on Wed to chat about this and then came back to our home and stayed till late. Now what I'm worried about is will he do the same again? As I just can't figure out what's going on. She beat herself up re the first time he distanced himself and with her anxiety this is not good. So I'm worried for her. What does anyone else think? They get on really well, and he keeps coming back, so does he like her as just a friend or with the intention of something more? Because if it's the second dd is clueless! Sorry for the lengthy post. :)

[DonkeyOil]

The only advice I can give, based on my experience of my adult dc's relationships, is unless she is specifically asking you for help in dealing with the situation, you can't really do anything other than be there in the background ready to support her if things go wrong. I think it's a mistake to get over-involved in relationship issues, uninvited! She has to live her own life, with all the emotional ups and downs that entails.

[MrsTeapot63]

Donkeyoil thank you for your response but I would like to make clear that I have not given my daughter any advice on what she should do, as it is her choice I just listen and stay neutral. When you have a dd that constantly suffers from anxiety as a parent you worry on the sidelines. I wrote this piece as I have no one I can speak to as I will not pass judgement on her friend and have not discussed it with her. It was just a way of releasing my concerns. I feel quite insulted that you think I am getting involved in her relationship issues uninvited, quite the opposite. I thought mumsnet was a place where parents could support one another.

[DonkeyOil]

I'm sorry, I didn't intend to upset you.

You did ask for advice, though, which I took to mean that you were contemplating something more proactive than just worrying about her. I wasn't making any assumptions. It didn't sound as though you were getting involved but it did sound as though you might be thinking of doing so, so I was giving you my advice not to, based on my experience of having to deal with the fallout from a very tricky, long-standing and, at times debilitating relationship of one of my dc.

Even when I thought I could see history about to repeat itself, making the mistake of trying to influence anything (which I did) never ended well, so I just tried to mentally distance myself from the situation, fretted quietly and let them work it out for themselves, which was always what they were going to do anyway, I suppose. They seem to have reached a reconciliation, but I don't enquire, I just accept the situation as it is in the moment, and try not to catastrophise, which I am prone to do!

I hope things work out well for your dd. It's agonising watching (and anticipating) them getting hurt.

[MrsTeapot63]

Thank you for your response, I'm very sorry to hear that you also have had concerns with one of your children. I guess if my dd didn't suffer with anxiety I wouldn't be as concerned. I won't advise even if I wanted to, as I put myself in her shoes at the same age and I definitely wouldn't have wanted my parents getting involved! I guess I'm just mentally drained with life in general at the moment. She has just graduated and is thinking of doing an MA so I'm thinking please not all this drama again. So no hard feelings 🙂 And I hope everything works out for your dc also.

[DonkeyOil]

She has just graduated and is thinking of doing an MA so I'm thinking please not all this drama again

That really resonates with me, as a lot of our drama was intertwined with coping with studying, too! Definitely no hard feelings Lots of and and in my case sometimes !

[MrsTeapot63]

Thanks so much it's good to know that I'm not the only one on this mad merry-go-round! definitely lots of tea & cake with the odd wine! 😉

[Copperas]

I would take his explanation as he gave it - so many young sdults suffer anxiety now that I can quite see a young man doing this with no idea of the effect on her. He probably had no idea that she felt fragile, just saw the lovely outer face presented to the world

[MrsTeapot63]

Thank you Copperas I do tend to agree with you on this. When at Uni they were given a word which they had to relate to themselves, she was given hate. She said the only think she hated was the way anxiety made her feel so she anxiously did the presentation as she was putting herself out there in a hope to confront it. Afterwards so many people said to her they would never have guessed she had anxiety. So this relates back to what you've said he would never have known this and still doesn't as she hides it well. So thank you for your comment as this helps me also as sometimes you feel in this alone :)