Have I left it too late to find common ground with my 11 year old?

[stickydate65]

Hi
This is my first post but I have been lurking around reading others for quite a while, so apologies if this is long winded.
I have 3 children 17,15 and 11. Eldest is a boy and the other 2 girls. Ever since she was born I have found it very difficult to cope with my 3rd child. (recognise now I probably had PND) She has always been a difficult child and the older she gets the harder I am finding it to find a way to cope with her. We've now reached a stage of constant battle which feels like a vicious circle of me moaning and shouting at her and her responding in a typical pre teenage way, slamming doors and refusing to discuss anything. I recognise that as the adult I am the one who needs to change and break the cycle but I don't know where to start! I feel so useless at the moment.... any suggestions would be gratefully received!

[NinaJane]

I also have an 11 year old daughter and we too fell into the shouting/reacting pattern. It is impossible for her to change the situation, so it is up to you. I know that it is not easy, but start with little things.

Instead of shouting and fighting with her to get up in the mornings (a constant battle with my daughter), get into bed with her and tickle her awake and just snuggle with her. Chances are very good that she will react negatively initially, but keep on doing it.

Put little notes in her lunchbox. My nickname for my daughter in Nu-nu. I write her little notes like "Thinking of you Nu-nu" or "Hello Nu-nu, mommy loves you" etc.

What you can also do is to make special mommy-and-me time for her. Say, once a week/2 weeks take her out somewhere. Just the two of you. Take her shopping or go to a nice coffee shop for cake. If you are worried about what you two will chat about when there, then do what I do. We play a game called 'What was the: worst part of your week/ best part of your week/ funniest thing that happened to you during the week/ etc. Both of you have to answer these questions. If you know what kind of music she likes, buy her a CD without her having to ask you for it.

You know what her favourite food is. Announce to the whole family that say, Wednesday nights are your daughter's night to have her favourite food. Then make her favourite food.

If she and your 15 year fight a lot (which I guess they do), it usually is an unfair fight. One in which the 15 year old usually has the upper hand. Make sure to stand up for your little one. Make it clear to your 15 year old, in front of your 11 year old, that you will not tolerate ugliness directed at your little one.

Talk to your daughter, whether she wants to or not. When she is in her room, go sit by her on the bed and tell her about your day. She might not respond at all at first, but eventually she will feel that you have taken time out of your busy day to chat just to her.

Eleven is a very tricky age. A lot of developmental changes are taking place in their little bodies. She is confused, because she is too old to play with dolls (she still wants to, by the way), but too young to do the things her sister is doing. She is a child in a woman's body (almost). She feels sad/anxious/angry, but can't explain why. All these feelings are very overwhelming for her.

It is not too late to change your relationship for the better with her. Good luck.

[Acanthus]

What a helpful post, NJ

[mathanxiety]

11 is not too old at all to rekindle a positive relationship with your DD.

Most 11-year old girls like to do more grown up things and feel pride in accomplishing tasks like simple cooking -- maybe teach her to prepare some simple dinners and have her cook for the family? Or spend time baking, and then enjoying, cupcakes (cake decoration is a lot of fun to do together) or cookies.

They also like to feel they are earning your admiration for their competence, and your trust, although they are not always consistent. Some chores around the house might help in this direction, not just keeping their own rooms tidy (maybe she could be responsible for keeping the sitting room looking nice or keeping track of the grocery list). This provides an opportunity for compliments.

Family board games are fun, if your older children are interested in taking part.

[reddaisy]

That was a really helpful post NinaJ - helpful to all parents of pre-teens and teenagers and I might try a few of those things on my dss as relations have been strained recently.

[stickydate65]

Thanks for your replies.
Ninajane there were some really useful suggestions there! Your 11 year old sounded just ike mine, she's hopeless at getting up in the mornings which mean the day starts with a battle before it's even begun! I will definately try some of your ideas. I loved the note in the lunchbox, have tried that one today so it will be interesting to see if she reacts to it!.
She does argue with the 15 year old, unfortunately they have to share a bedroom and that 4 year age gap is like a vast chasm at the moment. To be fair to the 15 year old, it is generally the 11 year old who starts the rows, she takes her sisiters stuff without asking and seems to try her very hardest to wind her up to get a reaction (Although I suspect the reaction she wants is from me!)
I recognise that I am the one who needs to make the changes, so I made up my mind yesterday to be calm and reasonable all day and try to break the cycle! I am happy to report that we had a really good day and no rows all day, she even went to bed at areasonable time and didn't keep coming back down like she usually does, however I am on holiday from work this week and therefore less stressed and tired and have more time to be patient! I must try harder when I return to work next week!!!
I thought your suggestion mathsanxiety about cooking with her was good, we have tried this often and without exception it always ends in a row!! She always wants to make something we haven't got the ingredients for! and no matter what else I suggest she won't budge and ends up flouncing off! I think the lesson here is to plan ahead and arrange what we want to cook a couple of days before and make sure we have the right ingredients!! Again easy to be reasonable and organised when I am not trying to juggle work! oh dear when did life get so complicated??

[Glitterandglue]

Listen to her. Whatever she's saying, no matter how ridiculous or inane or hurtful or just plain wrong it is, listen. Acknowledge her feelings, too - when she's slamming doors or giving snarky replies, let her know, "I can see you're annoyed/angry at the moment."

And whenever you feel yourself starting to shout - you've lost the battle. Once anyone is shouting, no one is listening. Someone who's shouting is too focussed on getting across their point to listen to the other person, and someone who's being shouted at is too focussed on feeling defensive to listen to what's being shouted. So if anyone starts to shout, walk away. Tell your daughter that you are doing this, and why, and that you will resume the conversation when tempers have calmed. Also let her know that is is okay for her to walk away too. And if she does this PLEASE do not follow her. That will just make her feel like she's under attack and she can't get away from it. Let her go and calm down, then try again later.

[Glitterandglue]

Forgot to add - when it's a good time, ask her how she would like your relationship to be, what would she like to do, etc. Put your own ideas in and have a discussion to see how you can make those ideas come true.

[stickydate65]

good advice g and g. The 'sensible' adult me knows this already of course, but when time is pushed and other children have to get the bus or DH needs to get ready for work and she's locked herself in our one and only bathroom it isn't always easy to find that 'me'! But I know I am the one who has to make the change ! so all contributins gratefully received and when I reach breaking point I will visualise them in my mind and try to keep calm! We have discussed this in our calmer moments and I think she can see the need for change from us both, so heres hoping!!