3rd child?? Should we?

[robie]

I know this has been asked before but my situation might be a little different. Should we try for dc3?

My DD's are 5.1 and 2.8. DD1 is at school and DD2 will be starting at nursery school 2 mornings a week in September so I'm thinking AT LAST I will actually have some time to myself! They both sleep through the night 6 out of 7 nights which is bliss.

The problem is with 2 strong-willed, confident, opinionated, active, loud and lively DD's, I have become less and less patient and a bit shouty. DH works late most nights so I am alone with DD's most of the time. My mother has alzheimers, my MIL has depression and my only Dsis is always ill so I don't have much help.

Am I crazy to want another DC? Will starting over with no sleep, nappies etc. be really hard?

[14hourstillbedtime]

I've always wanted three... and I've recently come to the conclusion that 2 will be the number for us . I know we're in a different situation than you - right in the middle of the baby phase again with a two month old DD, plus three year old DS, but I seriously can't face the baby stage again.... We seem to be, um, blessed with really, really hard babies and it's just unmanageable to contemplate putting myself and my marriage through that again. DD is mellower than DS - and I do know that it ends but just can't face it...

You and I are in similar situations in that no family help - though we are lucky enough to be able to pay for an afternoon sitter to take the toddler out (still have the baby, though!).

My advice would be think long and hard about it...

[foreverastudent]

Maybe wait until they are both at school? Then they'd be old enough to help out with a new DC.

[FabIsGettingFit]

We have 3 and 3 is much harder than just 2.
2 didn't feel enough for us. We would have liked 4.

[WowOoo]

We are sticking with two for mostly tiredness reasons. If I had more money, time, was younger and had a huge supportive family who lived nearby I'd go for three, for sure.

Still clucky though but luckily have friends with lil babies who i can cuddle and give back.

Would wait til you don't feel shouty and tired if I were you and if you can!

[helmethead]

I would also wonder about the age gap between 1st and 3rd and how many common activities/holidays they would enjoy. If you have the money, time and energy then go for it. If was younger and had any family help I would have had a third. From seeing my friends 3 is much harder than 2 especially when you have school run + a pre-school run + tiny baby.

[IndigoBell]

I find 3 so much harder than 2 that I wouldn't personally recommend it to anyone - but then obviuosly everyone's different.

I really didn't appreciate how hard 3 would be. At the moment I pretty much can't go anywhere by myself with the 3 of them.

And it just costs soooooo much.

[tartyhighheels]

Having a number 3 has been the biggest blessing in our life, so much so we are having number 4 shortly.... sadly we have no exetended family at all.

[DanJARMouse]

I have 3.

DD1 is 6 next month
DD2 is 5 in October
DS is 3 in November

It is HELL. DD2 and DS play lovely, DD1 and DD2 play well. DD1 and DS just DO NOT mix! (DD1 is so over-powering and still wanting to baby him)

I would love number 4 to even it all out a bit, but I just couldnt cope with the sleep deprivation...... we are still having issues with DD1 sleeping more than 9hrs a night, and DS has starting waking anywhere from 4.15am-5.30am and I am KNACKERED.

If I could have my time again, Im not sure DS would have happened, however much I love him to bits and was chuffed to get my boy.

Think of the practical things..... hotel family rooms are 2+2, you will need a people carrier car, possibly a 4 bed house as they get older (unless DD1 and DD2 get on well and dont mind sharing) Flights abroad are extortionate, and trying to get a hotel abroad to take a family of 5 is non-existent!

[JustKeepSwimming]

Robie - I'm similar in that we have no family nearby, DH works away a lot, so I'm on my own with my 2 DSs a lot.
But still, we're TTCing number 3
DS1 is 4, DS2 is 2, so poss a 3year gap to DC3.
And Sept is when I was thinking of getting some me-time too, well I should still get some even if i get pg straight away, just with bump, lol!

I've always wanted 4 and am gradually realising that I might not get that, life is so exhausting with DC, at least I find it is, and I will have to see if I can cope with 3 before going for 4.

But for now, head is firmly in the sand and i'm just focusing on the fun bits

[robie]

Thank you all so so much for your replies. have been thinking about it all day and I am 99% sure I could not handle 3.

14hourstillbedtime - love the name! - going back to the baby stage is the biggest con for me. Don't think I could handle lack of sleep again especially when I am actually getting about 6/7 hours sleep at the moment and I am still tired and cranky! I think if I hadn't waited so long and was still in the sleepless nights phase the decision would have been a lot easier. But it does end and it does get better - I know it does. I think the fact that I am nearly 39 might be a big factor too.

Indigobell, DanJARMouse and FabIsGettingFit - I think you are telling me what I needed to hear. 3 sounds so much harder than 2.

[robie]

Congratulations tartyhighheels

[stroppyshopper]

Funny, I am in the middle of the same issue, wondering about no.3. I have DS nearly 4yrs old, DD nearly 5 mos old, and for me the thing that's pushing it is wondering about 1) going back to work next year or not and 2) do I keep all the baby gear and clothes or start clearing out? Went back to work for 1 yr before DD came along and in some ways it was liberating. Am 40 now, not in very good physical shape, and we are really struggling financially with me not working. Just feeling like I need to get my life back, turn a page, make a decision and move forward. BUT some little (big) part of me feels REALLY SAD about it. I always wanted four or five and if we had just started everything earlier, we could have had that. I don't know if I am ready to let go of my dream... Currently have PND, so that is not helping the emotions . Sort of feels like closing a door, in a bad way.

[JumpingJellyfish]

I have 3:
DS- just turned 5
DD1- 3 next week
DD2- 7 months

It is very hard work, and I do at times feel sorry for DD2 for the amount she is carted about with school runs etc. BUT it is also brilliant. DS & DD1 have always been close and they have really embraced DD2. I am glad for DD1 she has a little sister, and she adores playing big sister. Of course I may be writing something very different once DD2 can walk and cause more mayhem/steal toys! But so far from what I can tell of her personality I reckon she'll keep fitting in pretty well. They each have their own niche but complement each other's personalities very well. I feel we are now a complete unit- which I didn't before. They are like a little clan now and already have giggles amongst themselves which are just them- and I love that.

Every family is different only you can judge how it might work for you- and it is always a gamble- but just wanted to say how lovely 3 can be too. I am however resigned to never sleeping/having a life of my own again! (But I am back at work part time which I hadn't originally banked on)

[robie]

I think age is a big issue too stroppyshopper. I feel like my energy, patience etc. is disappearing the older I get. I know its ridiculous with a lot of women starting familes in their 40's now but I just always have it in my head that I'm 40 next year. I think it might be due to my mother having me when she was 40 after an 8 year gap. She was always always tired. Sorry to hear you have PND. Hope you feel better.

JumpingJellyfish - Its great that 3 works for you. I would love more but I just feel too old and maybe I'm just being selfish as I have had 5 years of nappies and bedtime routines (and had to deal with my father dying and my mothers alzheimers and my sisters sicknesses) and I am exhausted and I don't want to start again. When you say they are like a clan and have giggles amongst themselves it makes me broody though - soo cute!!

[scrummymum]

Why is it so difficult to get a hotel abroad. Does this mean just actual hotels or self catering rooms.

I am thinking about ttc 3 and although I knew it would be more expensive, I did think it would be possible to get somewhere for 5.

[JumpingJellyfish]

robie only you know how much energy/patience you might have- I certainly find having no3 has exhausted me beyond belief, and I am a mere 30. I'm fortunate in that I can cope on broken night sleeps pretty well but I still find I am incredibly tired. Like you we have very little local support and my DH works away /long hours quite a lot so I need to be able to rely on my own which is hard without doubt at times- especially as like yours my older 2 have settled into a good routine of sleeping well and are fairly independent- having a baby again is hard work even though the age gaps between mine are pretty small. We originally hoped to have 4 children but I get very poorly when pregnant and been warned to never risk pregnancy again- but even without that I do think we've pushed ourselves far enough and can just about cope now- not sure we could with another DC! Especially if I still want to dabble in having a career...

FWIW we never considered holiday issues with having 3DC, but to be honest we don't have the cash to holiday much anymore and are planning to camp, caravan or self cater if we do- but flights etc. are indeed that bit more to find now there's 5 of us.

I hope you find the right choice within yourself- it sounds like you have 2 very gorgeous DCs to cherish no matter what. But do know how it feels to have that unsettling slightly sad feeling of wanting more but not really able to have more... Sorry am rambling- that's sleep deprivation for you!

[robie]

scrummymum I think they don't really do family rooms on mainland Europe. It's ridiculous really.

JumpingJellyfish I was 99% convinced that I didn't want dc3 but now I'm at about 85%. I think its changing by the day but I will give myself a few months to think about it. I suppose if I really wanted another dc I would know and there wouldn't be an issue. Hope you get some sleep soon

[helmethead]

robie I'm 40 soon too and that is another reason to stop - having 2 healthy children I feel like I am very lucky. DS just over one and I feel like the next decade should be different for me. I have been SAHM for over 4 years now and I want to work soon!

[14hourstillbedtime]

It's not just age... I'm 32 and KNACKERED!... Had DS at 29, DD just earlier this year... part of it is I just don't want to push our luck, but mostly, I really can't put myself/us through the newborn bit again.

I know in my heart of hearts I'll probably regret not having a third... I think of all the big family Christmases and Thanksgivings (we're in the States)where it would be lovely to look at a huge family gathered around the table, but then I get realistic and think of my poor knackered self and know that two is just the way to go for us (not knocking anyone who has more than two - totally in awe of you and no idea how you do it - just aware of my own limitations of time/energy/patience).

And if my biggest regret in life is not having a third, with two lovely DCs and a fab husband, well, then I've got a charmed life, haven't I?

[twolittlemonkeys]

I sympathise. DS1 is 4.3, DS2 is 2.5. I really wanted a large family deep down, felt that it was right for us (as did DH) but since I MCd in May I have pretty much done a 180 degree turn and can only think of the negatives of having 3 children (I don't know if this is my subconscious way of burying the upset at my MC).

I'm 29 so have age on my side if I decide later on that I want more but am starting to get excited at the prospect of having some free time when DS2 starts kindergarten in September and DS1 is at school. I'm knackered and not nearly as patient as I'd like to be. Tend to be shouty, especially with DS1 who I find really hard work. Maybe it's best if I stop at 2. But everytime I see a baby I can't deny the broody feelings and that longing for a big family. Must pull myself together!

[calaminecovered]

Three for me has been really hard, but given the choice would do it all over again! Maybe because our youngest is 18 months now and is wonderful - now she sleeps well!

We have DD 7, DS 5 and DD2 18months. They are all such a unit I couldn't imagine it any other way.

However I do still have my what if moments thinking how much easier life would be if we just had the older two!

[ChablisorSancerre]

Not read all of this thread but my answer would be NO. DD absolutely idyllic - DS different story altogether.

Still broody but will keep telling myself the past 16 months have been absolute hell.

Adore DS obviously but will not choose to go there again.

[lovechoc]

since the emergency budget I'd be very reluctant to press ahead with having lots of DC. Think of the cost in the long-term, you'd be forever struggling (unless you win the Lotto!).

We are just sticking with two DC because of the cost factor alone. I am young enough to have more but for other reasons would prefer to just stick with two. In an ideal world I'd have as many as I could but reality bites and we are not overstretching ourselves just to have a huge family.

Oh yes and as a few others have pointed out - why go through all that exhaustion again for a third time - there's no point being a martyr.

[lovechoc]

Danjarmouse has the right idea looking at all the practical reasons why it's sometimes best to just stick with two DC...everything is geared up for families of 4. You don't get cheap holidays if you have a family of 5 or more.

[Fieryspark]

No, I wouldn't - for environmental reasons - given the way we live and consume natural resources in the "west"/ industrialised developed world (and I include myself in this).

For that reason, however, adoption would be a very positive way to have a third child without adding to the population...

In my case. I would not want to do it at all anyway as I always said I wanted one child and the absolute maximum was two!! I need my sleep and my dd2 has been a bad sleeper only now at 2 1/2 is settling down (was a real shock after dd1 who was 8pm - 7 am from 6 weeks old with no waking...) plus 2 hour afternoon naps!